“Oh, thank God!” I blink and the tears fall, but before they roll all the way down my cheeks, Xander’s cool hands cup my face and he strokes them away with his thumbs.
“Don’t cry,” he murmurs. “I’m really okay.”
“When… when I saw you fall down the stairs I thought… I was so scared!” My voice wobbles. “You just vanished and I heard all these horrible noises and when I ran forward, you and Dickson were just rolling and tumbling and I saw your headbounceand I?—”
The tears come faster, but Xander doesn’t lower his hands.
He keeps caressing my face, stroking them away with such a soft smile on his face. “I’m so sorry you had to see that.”
“See it?” I gasp, grasping one of his wrists. “I’m sorry you had to endure it!”
“But I’m fine.”
“Don’t say that. You’re not fine and I almost lost you and it’s my fault. Everything is my fault. Dickson never would have been there if not for me. He wouldn’t have attacked you if it wasn’t for me.”
“Snow.” Xander’s voice grows firm. “You are not responsible for the actions of someone like Dickson. And I could argue that he wouldn’t have found you if I hadn’t taken the news of your pregnancy so badly. If I hadn’t then you never would have goneto your apartment and given him that window to follow you. So it’s my fault.”
“No!” I clutch his wrist tighter and reach out my other hand, caressing his jaw. “It’s not your fault! He wouldn’t even know your face if I hadn’t gone looking for him.”
Xander turns his face into my palm and sighs softly. “How far back do you want to go with this blame game, darling? Because I will win. I will find a way.”
Darling.
It makes me melt and I sag against him until I’m perched on the side of his bed. Xander drops one of his hands from my face to my waist.
“I’m sorry. I was… I was so scared I was going to lose you. When I reached you and you were just…” I close my eyes and wince inwardly as the sound of skull against stone replays in my mind.
Xander’s hand slides to the small of my back and he pulls me close. “You haven’t lost me. I’m right here.”
Opening my eyes, I sink into his arms as they come around me in a tight hug.
I clutch at his shoulders and squeeze tightly as our bodies align and the thump of Xander’s heart becomes faintly detectable against my chest with how tightly he holds me.
“Did you mean what you said?” I whisper. “Do you remember?”
“When I said I loved you?” Xander replies, his voice low. “I remember. The fall didn’t knock anything loose. It was true then and it’s true now. I love you, Snow.”
My grip tightens. “You mean it? Even witheverything?”
“I do. You make me smile. You make me excited to go home and go to work. My only thought as I fell was that you would be safe. That’s all I wanted. I meant everything I said.” Xander leans back just enough that he can cup the side of my neck with one hand and he gazes into my eyes. “The hurt will fade in time because what I’ve found with you is far too good to let go. Unless you want me to…”
“No!” My fingers curl into fists, trapping his gown against my palms. “I don’t want you to, not at all! Because I love you too. So much. I knew. I think I always knew, and that’s why I tried so hard to keep everything perfect so I didn’t lose you, but then…” My attention drops down to my stomach and Xander’s head dips as he follows.
Very slowly, he slides his hand over my belly. “I don’t care that I’m not the father,” he says softly. “Being with you, Snow, has been the best Christmas gift I could have ever asked for. A baby is… a lot. I won’t deny that, but I will be there for you and for this baby because that’s what I want to do. Whatever happens, we can figure it out together. I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, understand?”
His hand lifts to catch my chin, raising my head until our eyes meet once more.
“I want to be the best man I can be for you and the best father for that baby.”
I give up trying not to cry.
The tears come thick and fast as warmth cracks sharply in my chest and then spreads through me in a wave.
I got so caught up in keeping my secret to protect what I thought was the best thing in my life, without knowing I was actually denying myself the best thing.
“You mean it?” I gasp through my tears. “You swear? ’Cause I want to be worthy of you, too.”
Xander chuckles softly and nods. “I swear.” Then his mouth closes over mine and he kisses me hard, a salty kiss damp with my tears but one that soothes every part of me.
