Pack practically bolts in excitement when Blaze lets her off leash on the beach. He throws the ball for her the entire way down to the jetty, and when we reach the rocky barrier, North gives her a bone that she settles onto the sand to enjoy.
Their doting on my dog is only solidifying my choice.
I climb the rocks like I always do. I stand on the flat path like I always do, except when I go to scream, I realize it isn’t what I need.
Because I feel it.
I feel the familiar warmth and calmness I’ve felt all week standing here, and it dawns on me as I face them.
“It was you. It was you out here with me this week. You’re what I felt,” I realize.
They share the same tortured expression.
“Yes,” Blaze admits, his voice hoarse.
“How did I not see you?” I ask.
In the next breeze, their figures disappear. I swear I can feel them moving toward me, arms and hands brushing mine, one of their heads in the crook of my neck, the other at my temple. I don’t know why I close my eyes, why when I take another breath, it doesn’t feel as if my lungs are full of ice shards.
“Do you know why I scream?” I ask softly.
They hug me tighter.
“I scream because the burn is the only thing that helps take away the pain,” I manage.
After a few seconds, I withdraw from their invisible embrace, taking a step back as they appear in front of me again, and looking between them, I don’t feel so terrified to tell them my own story.
“My father took his own life. Tomorrow makes a year. He’d gotten his dementia diagnosis a few years back, and it progressed… It progressed so fucking fast. Seeing the pain on his face every time I had to over explain something, when he didn’t remember or got so confused and didn’t know why… Last year, on my birthday, he had a good day. It was areallyfucking good day.”
I pause to swallow the hiccup in my throat.
“We walked out here, and we talked about… everything. We reminisced in a way we hadn’t in months. It was like I had my father back, even if I knew the next morning would take it allaway again. It gave me hope that it shouldn’t have, that maybe the new meds were working. But…”
Another heavy breath leaves me. I push my hands into the pockets of my sweatshirt, staring at their feet because I know if I look at their faces, I won’t be able to get this out.
“He left me a note. He said that he didn’t want to be a burden on me. That I deserved better than to have to take care of him. He said he didn’t want to hurt me, and he was sorry I would have to find him like this, but he thought it would be better than the pain of watching him disappear into someone who didn’t recognize me. I found him overdosed on painkillers in his bed. I barely remember all the things that had to be done after. The funeral. All the paperwork. It was like I was there, but not. Completely dissociating because I felt that I wasn’t good enough to help him through it. So I started walking to the jetty about a month after to try and ground myself again. I come out here and I scream. I scream until there’s nothing left. But this week, I didn’t scream everyday.”
I finally lift my eyes to theirs, heart sinking at the sorrow in their eyes.
“I lost the home I felt safe in when he died last year. I didn’t know where my future was going, if I would stay here or go somewhere entirely new just to get away from his ghost. And now, meeting the two of you… it feels like I’ve found my home again. I want to be alive, and I want to be with you.”
“Can we please touch you?” Blaze breathes, his expression more desperate than I’ve ever seen it.
I slowly nod, and both of them wrap their arms around me. I bury my face into Blaze’s shoulder, clenching North’s arm to my chest.
“Take me with you,” I whisper after a few minutes.
North tips my chin his way, and it’s there that I see the newness of these feelings, like he can’t quite figure out why he’s suddenly scared, why he’s holding on so tightly.
“We would never leave without you, darling,” he says.
Pack barks at something on the shore. The noise is enough to break us apart, alerting the twins to a state that has Blaze grabbing my hands and stepping in front of me, North’s arms sinking around my waist as if he’s prepared to snatch me out of harm’s way the moment it appears
Sandwiched between them is the safest I’ve ever felt.
“Probably a jellyfish,” I say, trying to ease their minds.
“I doubt it,” Blaze says in a strained voice.
