“I didn’t think you believed in that kind of thing,” she says.
“I don’t. That’s what makes it even more crazy, because it actually came true,” I say.
Gemma huffs, and I give her a small smile.
“Gemma, we’re real. Nothing changes that.”
She covers my hand with hers and kisses the inside of my palm. Something akin to pain rests within those blown orbs, and my chest aches at the sight of it.
“You’re not scared of us anymore?” she asks, voice soft.
“I’ll never not be absolutely terrified of losing you,” I admit. “I’ll always be terrified that tomorrow I won’t be able to hold my shit together enough to bypass the liquor store. That’s the reality. Every day is a reset button. My sobriety is by the hour. That’s something I have to live with, and being with someone means they know that reality, too. I think you know me and that fact better than anyone, and that, as fucked up as it sounds, makes you so much more than just any other person in my life. Still, it isn’t just that, Gemma. I don’t just want you in my life because you’ve seen me at my literal worst. I want you in my life because of the way you make me feel and because you keep coming back no matter what. After all these years, all the shit we’ve been through, you’re still in front of me. You’re still here making me feel as if I’m the only person in your world, and that means so much more than anything else.”
I have to pause and shift on my feet, my words feeling as if they’re going to stick in my throat. Gemma squeezes my hand and brushes my hair back with her other, and I nearly melt into her touch.
“You’re the only thing that matters in my world,” she says quietly.
I wrap my hand around her cheek and bring her face closer to mine. I wish I could say it. I wish those three words would just slip off my tongue so that maybe she’d believe me.
“I can’t say it yet,” I whisper. “But I can say that I’ve never fallen for someone so quickly before, and no one has ever felt this right. Our combined bedlam is the safe, comforting space I want to be buried in. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Her tongue swipes over her lips, her throat bobbing like she’s getting ready to say something she’s never been more scared of saying. Yet, no words leave her mouth, and when she kisses me, I lose all sense of reality. That this has been within my reach for years, always a few steps behind me in the shadows…
I wish she’d stayed with me that night.
I wish she’d told me who she was.
Still, I know I wouldn’t be who I am today if she hadn’t left.
I know I would never have been able to get clean while also trying to love and forgive her.
And I know that this right here, in her arms, is where I was always meant to be. All the pain, the torture, the blackouts, and sleepless nights… It got me to her.
“Thank you,” I whisper into her hair.
“For what?”
“For never giving up on me.”
My phone rings in my pocket then, and at the sound of it, we both jump.
“Why is this thing even on loud?” I ask as I pull it from my pocket.
UNKNOWN is stretched across the screen.
It should send me into a panic.
It should make me want to hurl the phone into the ocean.
However, I’m fucking done.
Gemma’s gaze meets mine, the same rage in her eyes as I know is in mine.
“Are you ready for this?” she asks.
“Yeah.”
I tap the green button and put him on speaker.
