I swat my dad away again. “No, you want to talk about selfish—thiswas fucking selfish,” I say, pointing to the heart monitor.
Stop yelling at her.
She’s sick.
“Bonnie, you do not get to talk to your mother that way,” Dad interjects, voice rising.
“It’s fine, Phil. Let her say what she needs to,” Mom says.
“I can talk to her however I want to,” I snap, unable to control myself. “She’s an adult. She can handle it. You all want to know why I haven’t come here, here’s your fucking answer.”
“Bonnie, stop,” my dad practically begs.
“Why? What does it matter what I say? She’ll be dead soon anyway, right?”
“Bonnie Miller!”
Beep.
Beep.
The words leave me before I can stop them, and one look at my mother’s face has regret ripping my insides open.
“Philip, leave it.”
“No, she doesn’t get to do this. Not when the one time she shows up, she comes here drunk and high—”
“How could I fucking not be?” I yell, tears pricking my eyes. “You think anyone can come in and see their mothersoberlike this? Give me a fucking break.”
I shove my hands in my pockets and pivot in a circle.
“It isn’t just today,” Dad says. “When I went to see you the other week, you had chunks of food in your hair.”
The room is spinning.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say, avoiding his gaze.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
“Bonnie, look at you—”
“What about me?”
“Sweetie, your father is just concerned about you,” Mom says.
“He shouldn’t be. Neither of you should be. I’m thebestI’ve ever been!” I hold my arms up in the air, a fake smile plastered to my lips, manic seeping into every inch of me.
I want to laugh and cry all at once.
Run and fall.
Kill myself and live forever.
“I’mgreat. I’mkillingit, but you wouldn’t know becauseyou can’t be there.” I slam my hands on the end of the hospital bed, meeting my mother’s dull, tear-filled eyes. “Do you think I don’t want you there? Every time they talk about bringing family to a concert, I have to walk away. I can’t tell them that you’ll come. I can’t tell them that you’re sick because what is anyone going to say when they find out I have adying fucking mother?”
