“Yeah,” Maddox lies. “She said she and Zeb are at the studio already.”
Reed seems satisfied with the answer and swivels back to the front. The pair begin discussing details of the music they hope to play today, and I zone out the rest of the car ride.
Bonnie and Zeb are already at practice when we arrive. Bonnie is warming up with her usual bounces to ‘get the blood flowing to her muscles’ as she puts it.
I’m busy finding my settings while Maddox and Reed go through what they want to do today, which Zeb and Bonnie are fully on board with. By the time they’ve all settled into their positions, I realize I’ve been detached from reality the entire time. Even when I found myself laughing at one of their jokes or speaking with one of them, I can’t even remember it.
I hate this.
I hate the moments when I can’t connect back with reality. When no matter who or what is standing in front of me, I can't comprehend it. I’m going through the motions, yet in the back of my mind, a stressor anchors me beneath the waves. I can see the sky but can’t swim up and out of its depths.
Thankfully, looking through the lens of my camera helps bring me back.
Maddox is watching me as he pulls his mask over his nose and lets his sleeves down to cover his tattoos so they won’t be visible in the photos. The mechanical hand rendering covering the back of his left hand is still visible, along with some of the face on the back of his other. His black nail polish is chipped, and I’m pretty sure it’s intentional. He settles on the stool, rests his foot on the amp, and then brings his bass onto his lap. Bonnie sets the beat, and as they begin playing a familiar ballad, I feel it move through my bones.
Someone once told me I should ground myself through a higher power. That I shouldn’t think I’m the greatest force in the universe or that I’m the only person who can save me.
My initial response was for them to fuck off and mind their own business.
However, something about the sentence stuck with me.
Once I started therapy, and we dove deeper into my past, I started to uncover some childhood memories I had blocked out and buried in the deepest corners of my soul, and I began to realize something.
Music had been my grounding force. It had been my higher power. It carried me through moments I didn’t think I’d recover from.
Moments I still haven’t recovered from.
Maybe that was why I gripped onto Adam the way I did. Because, at the time, I thought I needed fixing. I thought a knight in shining armor was the only thing that could help me. Cover up the past and forget it ever happened. Run away and ignore all the ways it shaped me.
I’m so tired of running.
The band jams well into the afternoon. They take a few breaks for snacks, try out some new material Maddox has written over the last few weeks, and play a few familiar favorites. It’s interesting to watch them work. The concentration and creative juices flow through as they collaborate on the new stuff or plan out new segments for the upcoming concerts—anything to make the nights seem original and not the same as the last few gigs.
“I think we should change up the setlist every night,” Zeb says during their last break. “Some people bought tickets to all three shows. We can’t do the same thing every night.”
“Obviously, do the big three,” Bonnie says.
“We can interchange the final song,” Reed says, his mouth full of a handful of French fries. “Change up the effects or the breaks. Bring the big piano out on the last night.”
“Yeah, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Bonnie teases him.
Reed grins crookedly in response.
“We’re at the venue most of the day tomorrow,” Maddox adds. “We can talk to Rock about anything new he can do with lights and special effects. Especially for Saturday.”
“Halloween show,” Reed says. “Thought about doing the entire show in a Scream mask.”
Bonnie arches a pierced brow. “Are you trying to cause a scene?”
“Fuck yeah,” Reed says. “Radio is already calling it a Halloween party.”
“That’s going to be amazing to see from the stage,” Maddox says. “Just waves of costumes.”
“It makes my spooky heart happy,” Bonnie grins.
“I’ll be sure to get photos of the best ones,” I tell them.
“You guys want to do anything else, or are we done for the day?” Zeb asks. “I need to go to the shops and get a few things.”
