Her lips pressed into a thin line, and I heard her sigh audibly. “I didn’t know you were that scared,” she said.
“Of course, I’m fucking scared,” I blurted. “I still can’t show my face on social media because of that deranged asshole.” My hands wiped over my face and behind my neck. “What I feel when I’m with Gavin… that urge to fall head over heels and forget reality just to live in a perfect bubble with him… I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want to think my only purpose in life is to please him.”
“I don’t think you will,” Lana said.
“Why?”
“Because he won’t let you,” she said. “You’re worked through so much, Clo. You're really doing amazing. Don’t let that asshole be the reason you settle for less than you deserve.”
Fear wavered through me at simply the mention of that first relationship. A breakdown tickled at the back of my eyes for the second time that day. It moved from my weighted shoulders down my stiff spine to my wiggling toes. The hair on the back of my neck stood.
Being alone that night suddenly made me uneasy.
I glanced toward the door, taking notice of the twisted deadbolt and chain at the top locked through. However, regardless of how secure it looked, I made a mental reminder to shove one of the bar stools beneath the knob.
“I’d be telling you all this whether Gavin had come back into your life or not,” Lana said, bringing my attention back to her. “I’ve tried telling you since you agreed to marry Tyler.”
She had.
“And I don’t hear you telling me I’m wrong,” Lana added.
“I think for a long time, I’d decided this was as good as it could get. Especially after…” My voice trailed, a lump stuck in my throat. I'd thought my relationship with Aidan had been how love was supposed to feel, and I’d been wrong about that too. “Fuck, this is why I shouldn’t even be in relationships,” I muttered. “I feel like I’ve gone from one extreme to the other.”
“Lucky for you, there’s someone in the middle who wants you, too,” Lana said. “And who you want as well. Of course, if that doesn’t work either, there’s nothing that says you can’t love yourself. But you never have to settle.”
I ran my hands through my hair again, tugging at the roots to the point that it hurt. “Tyler and I are staying with his family at a vineyard this weekend.” I clapped my hands in front of me, a sarcastic laugh leaving my mouth. “This is all I’m going to be thinking about.”
“Where is Tyler now?” Lana asked.
“He texted about an hour ago and said he was staying with Matthew. He surprised Tyler with a bachelor outing or something like that,” I answered.
“Perhaps a weekend with him is what you need. How long has it been since the two of you had time together when one of you wasn’t working?” she asked.
“Forever,” I said. “I’m not sure this counts as a vacation, as his entire family will be there.”
“Don’t go with failure on your mind,” she said. “Be with him. See if it reminds you why you fell in love with him in the first place. Maybe Gavin and I are wrong. And if things still don’t feel right, just make sure you score with Tyler's dad before you break it off.”
“Lana,” I said, almost rolling my eyes at her obsession with Tyler’s father.
“Only joking,” she said. “But really, though.”
I sighed out the gravity plaguing my restless heart. “What if you and Gavin are right?”
“Then you decide if ‘just fine’ is good enough for the rest of your life.”
I peered toward the door again, my jaw aching from the weight of my clench. “I’m going to try to go to bed,” I said, gathering my glass and dinner I’d forgotten to eat.
“He’s not in California, Clo,” she said, apparently having seen my glance to the door.
“Yeah, well, moving states doesn’t exactly cancel out fear,” I said.
Lana gave me a solemn look, and I shook my head. “I know. Just… text me later?”
“I will. Love you. Get some rest,” Lana said.
“I’ll try. Love you, too. Night.”
I closed the computer and pressed the heels of my hands on the counter, closing my eyes and counting back from ten to try to calm myself. And when I opened them—
