"But that..." Nyssa didn't understand how a person who claimed to love someone could force them to keep such a part of them hidden. "That's horrible. You're a person just like anyone else."
"She thought my position should have held me to a higher standard," he said as they finished crossing. "After her, I stopped seeing women here. Started thinking perhaps love wasn't something I would find because of my title."
It broke her heart to hear him think such things about himself when he was so... Well,him.
"Nadir, you deserve everything," she said, almost stopping. "More than others. You… I see you out there every day with your people. Making sure they are ready for the battle coming. Individually and as a unit. You're always the first person to wake up and the last one to leave after dinner. You always make sure everything is clean and tidy, and the village is back in order. You check in on every legion and every market in that village every day. You know everything there is to know about the goods you're trading. You fix all their problems. You... You are not just the Commander of your army. You are your people's savior and leader. You carry so much on your shoulders, and you do it without any complaints or ever carrying how tired you are on your face."
Nadir had stopped walking, and as he held her gaze, the thought of Nyssa's own kingdom came to mind.
"Sometimes, I wonder if they truly know how lucky they are to have you," she finished.
He shifted, his throat bobbing. "I don't even know what to say to that.”
The corner of her lip lifted at the sight of the wonderment on his face. "You don't have to say anything," she said. "I'm simply telling you what I see. I will never understand how it can be thought that just because you hold a title, you should be perfect," she added. She reached for his other hand then and cradled them both in front of her chest.
"I crave the day when you let me see you. Raw and free Nadir Storn. Walls broken around him."
A visible jagged breath left him. "I'd like that too."
This time she kissed his knuckles, and then she tugged on his hand for them to start moving again.
Nadir was silent a few moments. Nyssa soon realized she didn't know where she was going, so she paused to wait for him to lead.
"You spoke about perfection as though someone wanted you to be simply because you're the Princess," he said after a while.
Nyssa sighed, watching the ground. "Some of us never asked for these titles,” she said, voice almost dripping with disdain. “We never asked to be placed on a pedestal to have to prove our worth day in and day out in every way possible."
Nadir smiled back at her. "Struck a nerve, have we?"
"Yes," she said faster than she meant to.
"One of your many suitors?" he asked, and she knew he meant it playfully.
"Ah..." Her heartbeat picked up so much she felt the heated throb of it in her ears. Nadir's hand tightened around hers.
"Nys?"
She tucked her hair behind her ear, staring at the ground, confused as to why she suddenly felt this need and want to talk about such a thing that she'd only ever shared with her family before.
"A few of the suitors, yes," she said. "But… When I was a child, when Zoria and Vasilis were still alive, it was still tradition for Arbina to have a strong role in raising us. That changed a lot once Drae began to distrust her— after Dorian and I were marked." She paused to swallow the emotion in her chest. "It was different with Dorian and I than with Drae and Rhaif. Arbina adored Dorian just as she doted on Drae. But with me… I… Do you remember when I told you about the mirrors?"
Nadir nodded, but he didn't speak.
"Mirrors remind me of my mother. Because every time I look into one, all I can see is what's wrong with me," she finally admitted. "All I can see is Arbina walking around me when I was a child, telling me of every flaw I possessed. That I wasn't good enough of a person to ever be Queen. Poking and showing every pound I needed to lose. I think I starved myself to the point of nearly dying the cycle before Dorian and I's markings. She was soproudof me for that. Told me I had found proper discipline and marked the two of us together as though that were my prize.”
Nadir nearly stopped walking. "That's fucked," he uttered. "How old were you?"
"I was eight."
This time he stopped. "What?"
She almost laughed, but she tugged his hand, and they started walking again. "It's okay. I've...handledit—whatever that means. Most days. I, at least, can see myself without completely flinching and picking it all apart. Drae helped me see a different love than the one our mother offered. One that didn't depend on my being an image of what someone else thought I should be. Drae always told me I was enough no matter the words in the back of my head."
"Do you still get those days?" he asked.
"More so now than before this all happened," she admitted, and she didn't know why she was telling him. "I think I've pushed my entire life because of those years. To be... Wortheverything. Enough of someone to be proud of. Even with Drae always telling me how proud she was of me, I always wanted to be the very best before I let her see. I wanted her to be proud of me more than I've ever wanted anything else. Last year, I finally decided I liked the person I was becoming. I was finally finding my voice and standing up for myself. Taking what I wanted. Until two weeks ago when it all came crashing down."
"In great extravagance," he muttered.
