“I don’t want this to end.”He said it so softly I worried I’d imagined it.
I blinked at him, sadness throbbing in my throat again.“Me neither.But you were right about me ...needing some help.I talked it over with Mom, and I think I should probably see someone, but it can’t be here.”I reclaimed our hands, pressing his wrist to my lips.
Armand took a beat, but then nodded against the pillow.“Of course, I ...I understand.Of course I understand.I want you to take care of yourself, love.”
“I don’t suppose ...”One more hard thing.It was going to hurt like hell when he said no, but I had to try.“You’d be willing to try long-distance?”
Please say yes.Please say we can make this work.
Armand rolled onto me, levering himself up onto his elbows and dipping down to kiss my forehead, my cheeks, my nose, my chin.In between each, he said, “Yes,” and, “Yes, god, thank you,” and, “I promise I’ll be better at using my phone.”
I laughed into his mouth and then held him still with a hand on either side of his face, dark hair falling over darker eyes.“Think of it like this: we won’t have to worry about the time difference, because for once we’ll both always be awake at the same time.”
Armand chuckled gently.“That’s very compelling.”
I rolled us over again and sat up, needing this part to be crystal clear.“So, we’re in agreement, then?To give this a chance long-distance?”
He sat up too.“I cannot fully express how invested I am in this.In you.In us.”He looked frustrated at himself but still couldn’t seem to stop smiling.“I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth.Or not.As you prefer.”
“Hey, if you want to move to California,” I joked, smoothing the hair out of his face.Then I traced the curve of his eyebrow.“But seriously.We’ll figure this out.”
He nodded, leaning into my hand and nuzzling it.It weirdly made me miss the horses.
“Maybe I could fly you out there now and then—”
“Lucas, I need you to stop buying me things.”
I was taken aback at his immediate response, and it seemed Armand was too.“I mean—” he cleared his throat and continued “—I know why you keep wanting to, er, buy me things—and I do appreciate the thought, love—but I wish you wouldn’t.I can’t reciprocate, so it feels unequal.”
“I don’t expect you to reciprocate,” I explained as kindly as possible, stroking his cheek that was nestled in my palm.“It makes me happy to get you things you need, or want, and since I have the means—”
Armand gently pulled away.“I get that, and I know you don’t mean it this way”—he struggled, wrapping an arm around his torso—“but it feels like you’re buying me.”
It hit like a brick to the chest.“Is that whatheused to do?”
Very slowly, Armand nodded.
This whole time I’d thought I was showing care and affection, I’d been triggering him.That explains a lot.“Shit.I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”
Armand chuckled.“Well, to be fair, how could you?I never said anything.”
A tremulous smile pulled at my lips.“No more secrets?”
He nodded and reached for my hand again.“No more secrets.Er.”Something sobering flickered across Armand’s face.“On that front, how do I ...tell people?”
I didn’t follow.“Tell people what?”
Armand looked as if he were in physical pain.“About all of it.”He took a deep breath.“Right now, the only thing that creepy git could do to me, tous, isexposeme, or whatever.”He sighed.“I’m tired of being frightened of him.Of being outed as an addict.A former dancer.All of it.”
Pride glowed in my chest.“Wow, okay.How would you want to do it?”
Armand gripped both hands in his hair.“I am open to suggestions, love.”
“Well,” I began slowly, carefully, “we could start by having you talk about recovery, destigmatizing it.Is there—” I paused to rub a hand between Armand’s shoulder blades “—is there some kind of call to action you want to give people?Some way for them to show support?”
Armand stiffened.“Yes.Er.The Innana Alcohol and Drug Recovery Center, they were good to me.Aregood to me.People should know about them.”
“Now we’re talking.”I grinned.“You want to give them a plug?”
