“Lucas.”Armand’s voice was pleading.
“I have my dad’s genetics to worry about!I can’t eat like it doesn’t matter!I have to think about these things, but it’s not a problem—”
“Lucas.”His voice had gone impossibly softer.
“I...It’s not a problem.”My mouth went dry, and the back of my throat ached, still sore from coughing up bile.“I’ve got it under control.”
Armand’s eyes welled with tears.“I know, love.Control is the problem.”
Ugliness was clawing its way to the surface, but it was a distraction, an exaggeration.I had to ground myself here, in the bathroom, and we werenottalking about this.“Don’t change the subject,” I finally said.“This is about you lying to me.”
A sniffle, then Armand was crying.“Yes.I lied to you.”
It was taking everything in me not to burst into tears too, or to pull him into a hug, or drop to my knees and beg for this conversation to have never happened.But—
“He’ll let you touch everywhere but show you nothing.”Darren, telling me he couldn’t be what I wanted him to be, that I’d never really seen him at all:“I’m trying to become somebody and you’re holding me back.”
Five.Years.
I took a deep breath and turned to the sink, splashing my face with water and patting down wayward strands of hair.From somewhere outside my body, I met his eyes through the mirror and said, “Maybe we need to slow down.”There was no heat to it, no energy left to spare.
He swallowed.Then nodded.
I couldn’t cry—I wouldn’t.Outside this bathroom were dozens of people I’d have to smile at and mingle with for the rest of the night.My body was screaming to shut down, to fall apart at the seams, but I had to hold off a bit longer.I adjusted my tie, steeled myself, and turned to face Armand.“You don’t have to hang around if you don’t want.I’ll stay with my mom tonight at her hotel.We can talk about this later.”
Armand’s nod, like the rest of him, was shaky.
If I stayed here another second I’d crumble to pieces.So, I soldiered back to the party, where my guests waited.
Armand vs.the Elements
November 24
0 days sober
I woke up under a desk.
Well, first I woke up in an unknowable dark void that maliciously tried to strangle me.But then I realized I’d fallen asleep with my jacket over my head.On the floor.Under my drafting table.
I sat up, butting my head against the wobbly corner with the broken locking mechanism, but it didn’t wobble at all and actually hurt quite a bit.
Oh, aye, right.
For my birthday, Lucas had finally made his foray in here and unceremoniously disposed of my old desk.He’d replaced it with a brand-new drafting table, on the pretext that I usually ended up under it in any case, and he felt better knowing it wasn’t threatening to collapse on top of me.I had made one feeble protest at the time, but Lucas had cut me off with a kiss and an eloquent argument, the only bit of which I could remember involving his hands.
I shuddered and wrapped both arms around myself, trying uselessly to quell the guilt, the nausea, and, of course, the shame.
Wine always left me feeling heavy and bloated, like I’d eaten too many sweets, and the splitting headache I’d earned was cresting the horizon.The demons were rallying their forces in the corners of the room, preparing for an onslaught that would undoubtedly last the rest of the night, if not the rest of my life.I shut my eyes tight, clenching my entire body in an attempt to ward off the oncoming assault, tears and gorge rising.
One bottle.A quarter of it down the sink.A slip.Not a relapse.A slip, not a relapse.I needed to ring Karim.I needed to tell him I’d had a slip.
Not a relapse.
But I couldn’t catch my breath or find my balance.The universe spun, with me twisting miserably at its center.
When I opened my eyes again in an attempt to regain some smidge of steadiness—to find a spot on the wall and return to it even as my mind whirled—my gaze fell on the monstrously big book sitting on the old bookcase by the door.
I hadn’t touched it in years, but I still couldn’t bring myself to throw it out.Lucas had dusted it.
