“And there’s one more, but I don’t think it’s what Ichika’s looking for.”Lucas brought it up anyway, and my heart gave an affectionate, melancholy little squeeze.
“Oh, love, I think this isexactlywhat she’s looking for.”It was a gorgeous shot from behind of a father and son, the little boy on his father’s shoulders pointing at something high off-camera, leaning back into his father’s hand, splayed in the intricate web of the boy’s puffer jacket.
“You don’t think it’s too ...whimsical?”
I snorted.“No.”I indicated the straining tendons of the man’s hand.“It’s not whimsical.It’s poignant.”
“Well, I had them sign a release form, so I guess I could use it.”
I smiled at Lucas.“You had a good dad, didn’t you?”
He pinkened but smiled back.“A really good dad.”
“He was a doctor, you said?”
“Yeah, which is ironic because he took really bad care of himself.”Lucas heaved a sigh and grimaced.“I really wish he was here to see this.”I gathered him further into my lap and kissed his neck.He giggled.“Well, maybe notthis.”
“Sorry, sorry.”I nuzzled his chin one last time and leaned back at a semi-respectful distance.“Tell me about him.”Good and beloved fathers were a somewhat foreign concept to me, but I was willing to learn.
Lucas grabbed his phone from his discarded trousers and showed me pictures of a barrel-chested, handsome man with Lucas’s smile.He told me about Sunday morning pancakes, and pun-offs, and reading aloud every single installment of Animorphs.I held him, and asked questions, and hoped to every god imaginable that his sweetness could withstand the world of high art.
Could withstand ...him.
Voice Memo Interlude 6
RECEIVED: November 5
Titch:Sooo I fucked up.Happy British holiday where you burn a guy, by the way.And also happy belated Halloween.Skyler and I went as Batman and Robin, except he just carried a baseball bat and I dressed as a bird, and before you say anything it wasnota couple’s costume because Joseph Ho was Superman, but the Nietzsche version, and his girlfriend Wanda was Wonder Woman, except she wasWandaWoman.Basically nobody else dressed up, but don’t worry, I definitely didn’t look stupid, because we just ate candy and watched scary movies in my parents’ basement[gaaasp]but that’s not where I fucked up.Ohno.Remember the whole Skyler’s brother and his girlfriend coming over for Friendsgiving thing?I let it slip in front of my dad, and he was like “Orh ma gorsh, you guys should have it here!Your mom and I were gonna drive out to the coast and romantically camp under the stars”—’cause my gramma’s on a cruise, don’t worry about it—“but instead we’ll stay here and cook for you and your friends because that’s not weird and embarrassing at alll” and Skyler was like “Oh wow, that’s so generous, we don’t want to impose”and fuckin’ Dad was like “No, no, no, it’s our pleasure, we’re just so glad our ugly stupid weirdo son has friends” as if I haven’t always had, like, a few friends, but whatever.Anyway.Friendsgiving is now Finchgiving, and it’s all my fault.I did this.Still dressed as a bird, by the way.What did you and Lucas dress up as?Was it cutesy?I bet it was cutesy.Or maybe you didn’t dress up at all because only kids and weirdos do that, apparently.[sigh]
Armand:[thumbs-up]
RECEIVED: November 11
Titch:Hi, Armand, give Lucas your phone right now, right now!Do it!Come on, Skyler—HAAAppy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Lucas, happy birthday to you!And manymooore—
Skyler:Happy birthday, Lucas!I know we already sang to you, but we hadn’t seen your post yet.
Titch:Yeah, you guys look so cute kissing on the London Bridge, I’m definitely not dying of jealousy inside.All positive feelings toward you both, don’t hate either of you even a little bit.
Skyler:Robin, stop it; it’s actually a really nice way to come out to the internet as Armand’s boyfriend.
Titch:True, true, you’re going to getsomuch sympathy.Like, happy birthday, Lucas Barclay, whoever you are, sorry about the weird Brit!
Skyler:[laughing]He doesn’t mean it, Armand.We miss you guys.
Titch:[gasp]Don’t tell them that!HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LUCAS, LOVE YOU, MISS YOU, BYEEE.
Armand:[thumbs-up]
Armand Faces Myriad Horrors
Including but Not Limited to Horses
November 15
91 days sober
I stamped out my last cigarette and leaned back against the cold brickwork of the alleyway.Karim watched me, savoring a small cup of coffee.“You did good in there.”
