“Sounds to me like this is the opposite of a problem,” Rick offered cheerfully, perhaps assuming that the thesis of this story was that I was covered in mud, which was merely the tip of the iceberg. “Going off your reaction here.”
“He’s out of my league!” I wanted to maintain this particular narrative in front of Rick and Andie, but I couldn’t help admitting, “I steamrolled right in, probably making him super uncomfortable, and he’s— Everything about him was aesthetically debauched and thereIwas covered in dirt and smelling like horse and what kind of first impression is that? Why would he even want to look at me?” I covered my face with my hands that thankfully now smelled like honeycomb soap and not sweat and dirt and horse. “I can’t show my face at the con. He’s seen enough.”
“Lucas—” Andie gently patted the top of my head “—I haven’t met or even seen the guy, but if you think he isn’t at this moment thinking that you’re the one out ofhisleague ...”
I coughed incredulously. “Right. A smelly, muddy nag is exactly what you need when you’re naked and injured and hoping that maybe your roommate looks and acts like a normal person and not someone who clearly rolled out of a dumpster.”
It was becoming clearer by the minute that Rick and Andie were intent on arguing with me, or trying to convince me to still meet Armand at the con in broad daylight. I got to my feet, pinching the robe closed around me. “Andie, can I borrow some clothes?”
She crossed her arms. “So you can go meet this nice man in public like you promised?”
“Absolutely not, you just don’t have any caffeine in this house.”
She sighed, then waved her arm toward the bedroom.
I found a patterned button-up and black slacks that were a little snug but fit well enough, considering that none of Rick’s clothes would fit at all.
Ten minutes later, I was driving to Latte for Work with the windows down and the radio on.This is a perfectly normal day. I’m getting breakfast. Nothing awkward happened last night, and I’m not thinking about my decision to not meet up with Armand at the convention. The last chance I will ever have with him.
Rick and Andie would argue that I could still salvage this, could present a different side of myself to him in public and change whatever he already surely thought about me. But my stomach churned at the memory of how I’d acted, of how my body had reacted to Armand’s gorgeous everything, of how much stock I had placed in the fantasy, the completely misguided and misplaced idea that someone like him could ever like someone like me—
Maybe it would be easier to let it go. Let him leave the country, and we wouldn’t have to talk about it, I wouldn’t have to face another devastating rejection.
Stop thinking about it, it’s done. You ruined it. Get your sad little coffee and go back to wallowing.
I stepped inside the bakery, basking in the divine scent of organic pastries, ordered a sugar-free blueberry muffin—
Then froze.
Darren.
He was sitting at the corner table, the one I always chose, his hair mussed in a way that didn’t seem intentional. The moment our eyes met, he shot to his feet with a small grimace.
“Hey.” He strode as elegantly as ever toward me; I was still frozen. He stopped directly in front of the pastry display.
“What are you doing here?” I managed through a tight throat.
Darren’s face was gentle now. He seemed nothing like the distant creature he’d been when I’d seen him last. “I saw your post about Milkshake ... and this is your favorite place to get brunch,” he explained, his voice oddly soft.
“I knowthat. But why areyouhere?”
Darren took a deep breath, slowly. “I wanted to apologize, and I couldn’t do it over the phone. I—I panicked.” He dropped his voice, his eyes following. “I got scared.”
I gaped at him. “Scared? Of what?”
“This.” He gestured between us, like he’d done when he’d said,“I don’t know if it makes sense anymore. I don’t know if it ever did.”“I was overwhelmed. I said such awful things to you, and I’m so, so sorry.” He reached for me but hesitated, his hand shaking. His beautiful face screwed up with such unfamiliar distress it rendered me speechless. “You were right: you’ve been trying and I’ve been the one being an ungrateful asshole. And I didn’t really realize what the idea of settling down meant until the moment you walked out of my kitchen.”
When you kicked me out, I wanted to correct him, the words bubbling up my throat.When you made me give you your key back.But Darren had never apologized like this, had never seemed so genuinely gutted, never would have ever done anything like this in a public setting before.
“You said you were embarrassed of me,” I said instead, immediately self-conscious of how bitter the words sounded coming out. “Do you know how badly that messed me up?”
“I know.” Darren looked wretched. “I was an idiot, I never should’ve said that.” This time, when he reached out to me, he gently curled his fingers around mine. “Can we start over?” With his other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out—
His spare house key.
“I love you,” Darren whispered. “Move in with me. Please.”
My heart jumped to my throat and I couldn’t breathe. “I ... I thought you weren’t ready.”
