Maggie almost got up to leave, so I started working again, but I was definitely going to text Skyler back. I’d text something funny that’d make him think I was cool and smart and nothing I actually was.
Though I had no idea how to explain my radio silence.
I let it percolate in the back of my mind while I focused on other things, like dropping off some of Armand’s paperwork, getting groceries, dodging behind a dumpster to wait till Terri and Co. headed into a frozen yogurt shop, browsing the student store for new paperbacks ...
Oh no.
Ohno.
Skyler was in the checkout line.
I dropped like a kingfisher and flattened myself against the paranormal romance shelf.
Don’t breathe. Don’t even breathe. Breathe and you’re dead.
“You know you can rent this textbook instead of buying it, right?” the checkout guy was saying. “It’s only fifty bucks a month.”
Nooo, I wanted to stand up and declare,it’s a trap!This was it, this was my chance to repay him, to save him like he’d saved me. My extra year of experience as a college student could serve him here, my wisdom could be bestowed with grace and magnanimousness.
“Oh, really? I don’t know ...” Skyler sounded uncertain.
“It would still save you money, dude.”
No, it won’t! You’ll end up spending more and then you’ll lose all your notes!I shut my eyes tight, willing my legs to straighten and my throat to make sounds. This horrible man was taking advantage of Skyler, and I was letting it happen. I was complicit.
“Nah,” Skyler said, “I’m good.”
He didn’t need me.
I was no good to him.
I listened as Skyler finished the transaction and left, taking with him what was probably my last chance not to be the worst person in the world. What could I even say to him?Hey, still in love with someone else?
My phone chimed and I jumped, looking down to see a new text from Skyler. I read the preview: he still thought I was busy rather than awful. He wanted to know if I could recommend any good local pizza. Also, was I okay?
I put my phone back into my pocket and resumed my efforts to sink to the center of the earth.
I was going to have to answer him at some point, but until then, I was going to keep being absolute garbage.
But not where people could see. I straightened up and plastered a grin on my face, just in case anyone was watching. My world might have been burning, and maybe I was still holding the match, but the show must go on.
July 25th
It was taking every bit of strength to keep breathing.
During the flashes of time I was present in my body, Rick and Andie had—separately and then finally together—attempted to get me to eat. It was like I was being crushed under the weight of disappointment and lifelong insecurity. I was unable to move or do anything that wasn’t thinking about texting Darren and telling him whatever he wanted to hear so that he’d take me back.
Rick had confiscated my phone after I’d made the mistake of mentioning this.
It was good of them to let me stay here, it really was, even though I was on the couch in the living room instead of in my old room, which apparently they’d already converted into Andie’s office. It was like I had never been here to begin with.
And through the cloud, desperate as I was to block it out, Darren’s voice played on repeat.
“This was a mistake.”
“You’re not right for me.”
Exhausting. Childish.
