I’d been avoiding this conversation since the Skyler incident. I steadied myself. “Okay, why do you always think I’m flirting with service people? It’s their job to be nice and friendly. Iamnice and friendly—”
“It’s not about being nice and friendly,” Darren snapped, pulling smoothly up to the house. “It’s about being embarrassing.” He stepped out of the car, slamming the door shut.
“Embarrassing?” I followed him into the house, mouth agape. I had braced myself for another few hours of soothing Darren’s ego, reassuring him of my fidelity—not whatever this was. “You’re embarrassed by me?”
Darren tossed his keys onto the kitchen counter with a loudcrackagainst the granite. “That’s not the point. I thought we were past this.”
“Pastwhat?” I stood in the kitchen doorway staring at him, my pulse racing. “What are you talking about?”
Darren scrubbed the roots of his hair, gazing up at the ceiling for a long moment. “Maybe you shouldn’t come to the dinner.”
I inched closer, his words buzzing in my ears. “Darren, what? Why? I—” I gently reached for him and he allowed me to hold his arm. “Maybe I’m stupid, but just explain it to me, okay? I don’t know what you’re talking about—”
“Lucas.” His voice was colder this time. “You’re always looking for validation. From me, from random servers, from the goddamnteenageryou pay to fawn over you all day. It’s exhausting. And childish.”
I was frozen, still gripping Darren’s arm like a lifeline. I couldn’t breathe.
“I need to be taken seriously at work, Lucas—” he shifted, taking hold of my shoulders “—and I can’t have you sashaying around this party asking people if they like yoursparkles.”
“I-I wouldn’t do that; I know how important this dinner is for you, I won’t say anything. We bought the black suit, we’ll match, just like you wanted.” I spread my arms helplessly. “I won’t talk to any servers or smile at any waiters, I promise.”
Darren groaned. “I told you, that’s not the point.”
“Then whatisthe point?”
“The point is this was a mistake.” It came out of him in a rush, like he was out of breath. He dropped his eyes, fiddling with the corner of the counter. He looked ... unsteady.
Darren was never unsteady.
“What’s a mistake?” I asked, barely above a whisper.
He swallowed, still avoiding my gaze. “Us. This. I don’t know if it makes sense anymore. I don’t know if it ever did.”
My chest hollowed out, and I was shaking. “What do you mean?Thishas been working since high school—”
High school, where he’d been there for me through the death of my dad, through the bouts of bullying, through my first kiss, my first time, my first—
“As ahookup, Lucas,” Darren said, and my rib cage shattered. “I need to settle down and think of my future. We’re almost thirty and you’re just fucking around with horses all day at a job you got from yourmom, pretending you’re going to be a real photographer.”
My feet seemed to sink into the floor. “Why are you talking to me like this? I-I don’t understand, Darren, you were the one who wanted to make this official—”
Darren scoffed, stepping backward. He held up his hands defensively. “Don’t act like you weren’t desperate for this to happen. Like you haven’t been planning our wedding since sophomore year.”
“I haven’t! I—” Now I was the one short of breath. “Is ... is this why you didn’t want me to move in?” I was going to be sick. “You want commitment and to settle down? I’m giving you that! How can I be pressuring you to move too fast but also not be serious enough?”
Darren stared back, quietly deflating. My heart hung in my throat, watching as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I didn’t see it going this far, that’s why.” He slid his hands into his pockets and hung his head, peering up at me from below his hair. “I think we should take a break.”
And there it was.
I grasped for something, anything to reason with him, to convince him he was wrong about us, wrong about me, but all that came out was: “But I don’t know what I did wrong!”
“Lucas,” and how dare he sound so tired, so done, “you’re not right for me. At least not now.”
All my fears, all my insecurities that had accumulated since high school came crashing down around me. My head buzzed, my hands went numb. “Then when? It’s been ten years, what more can I do—”
Darren shrugged, like he wasn’t breaking my heart into pieces. “I don’t know that there’s anything to do. I need someone serious, someone with discipline, and I don’t think it’s fair to push you anymore. You are who you are.”
“Darren, please, I’ll do whatever you want, I can be that person, I can—” I was crying, sniveling like a child, but I couldn’t stop, couldn’t breathe; I would get on my knees and beg,Please don’t do this. “I love you, and I know you care about me. I-I can be whatever you want me to be. Just don’t—”
