“Your touch is always so gentle,” I breathe into his chest. He smells like smoke and the road mixed with leather and raindrops.
“No one will ever understand the violence it took to become this gentle, little bird.”
His lips press into my head kissing me with such tenderness that my body swims with desire. 81 exhales the breath he's holding.
“I shouldn’t have killed him with you in my eyes, little bird. For that I apologize.”
I can hear the pain in his voice - he's fighting inwardly with himself.
I'm terrified in this moment. I can feel the claws of the dark sinking into his soul. He killed for me. Because of me and that’s not what I wanted.
“It was either you kill him, or he would have killed me. Fuck, 81, or worse, I had planned on doing it.” He releases me to pick up the syringe from the floor. It has fallen from Carl’s ear and is resting against the toe of 81’s boot.
I watch him pick it up and roll it around in the tips of his fingers. I can see a past full of pain laced nightmares flood his eyes.
“Was this for him to use on you, little bird, a hotshot?” his eyes burn into mine.
“No, I got it to give to him. My plan was to stab him in the neck with it.”
“And then what would have you done, little bird?” he asks while looking at the syringe.
“I hadn’t got that far yet. All I knew is, I had to do something to be free and not have him tormenting me. The only way was to kill him,” I answer with tears rolling silently down my cheeks.
“The dead still torment, little bird. They still find a way to slip into your dreams and walk inside your days.” He walks from the room and my body follows but my mind stays behind. It’s like I’m walking outside my body.
He presses the contents down the drain in the kitchen sink. “He do this?” All I do is nod, my body feeling cold and weak as it all sinks in.
“You killed him,” I say as he drops the empty syringe in the bin.
“I did,” he says as he pulls his phone from his pocket.
“Hey. Get to Jade’s now. Bring West and Tigg.” He hangs up and I count the steps it takes for him to reach me. My body is now shaking but I can’t seem to stop it.
81 scoops me up in his arms taking me to where the couch is sitting. He kicks it back up and places me down on it, wrapping me in a blanket. He lowers down to his knees and takes my face in his hands. He’s warm.
I’m cold.
So cold.
“Little bird, I am sick, I am fucking twisted, I am a psychopath, baby. That’s what makes me perfect for my role that I play in this life of blood, death, guns, whores and the salty taste of their tears and that sweet smell of fear.”
I search his eyes for anything other than death, but I can’t find myself in them. This time they are clouded.
He inhales as I exhale.
“I don’t think my heart is beating.” I break the silence between us.
“All my adult life I was told I was a worthless piece of shit, 81. Now I’m sitting here with the guy who spoke those words dead on my bedroom floor. What do I do with that?” I ask him. I need him to have the answer. I thought I could handle it, but I was so wrong. I can’t. I was lying to myself.
“You, Jade, are my fix on days when things are so broken, I don’t know if I’d get through. You, little bird, was the star that my dark was seeking and for you I will take it all. The pain, the dark, the nightmares and all the hurt. Your healing, baby, and it’s so beautiful to watch. Just lay it all on me. You exhale and I will inhale all of it.” His lips meet mine pulling me from my thoughts and into him, a safe place amongst the chaos. A beacon of light when my mind is dancing in pitch black darkness.
“You’re a fallen angel, little bird. Just close your eyes and know that no matter what, I have you. Killing for you was easy. Living for you is the hard part because I now see the scared angel in your eyes. Can you both love a monster?” he says as I close my eyes. He lays me down on the couch tucking my shivering body in tight with blankets.
“You’re sick of feeling numb when numb is all I want to feel. So, 81, I will take your hand and allow you to pull me out through the pain, because I’d rather feel pain with you than not have you at all. True love cuts to the bone and some secrets should stay buried, but I’ve anchored my heart to you and that’s where I wanna be.”
He winks at me placing a small warm kiss to my temple as the heavy dark of sleep pulls me under. My body is running out of the adrenaline that kept me walking through this nightmare on a reel of never-ending torment. It is done, he is one and I can sleep knowing that I do not need to watch my back any longer. I’m finally free.
Chapter Thirty-One
