I hide the hate I feel inside, and I hold captive the memory of life before I found the bottom.” Running my hand over my jaw, the three-day stubble harsh against my fingers.
Ghost pulls a hip flask from the breast pocket of his cut and a joint. He lights the joint and unscrews the lid of the hip flask. He takes a toke from the joint. The crackle of the weed sounds out in the quiet air between us which he follows with a long pull of what I know will be straight Jager.
“Timberly know you got that shit, brother?” I cock my head as he passes me the joint blowing out smoke rings into that fading light.
“Nope.” He smirks winking at me.
Shaking my head at him, I take a toke of the joint. The sweet taste rolls down into my lungs. Holding my breath for a few moments, I instantly feel the calm.
He passes me the hip flask and the warm aniseed liquid coats my throat.
“You know what, brother?” Ghost raises his eyebrow at me as I pass him back the joint and hip flask.
“What’s that?” His voice is low, the effects of the weed and Jager taking him on a buzz.
“Other than Timberly cutting our nuts out for getting fucked up in a cemetery?” He laughs out. I shake my head. He’s right, the little ladies’ going to fucking lose her shit.
“She got me off like no other bitch and it’s still her face that haunts me as I slam my hard cock into them bitches' asses and cover them in my cum.” I tap my fingers on my knee, anxiety hitting me. I take the joint back from his fingertips.
“Keep going, brother. There is fuck all that will make me question ya,” he says to me pulling his legs up, his jeans tucked into his cherry red Docs.
“I can’t even blow my load in them. She took that one fucking insanely intimate feeling away with her. She stole so much from me. That one act of sexual pleasure the feeling of Euphoria when you blow your load inside a bitches’ tight ass or cunt is like nothing else but the rise and fall of her chest as I hit home hard grips at my senses along with the look in her eyes as she screamed out my name.” Taking a cigarette from the pack, I flick my zippo along my jeans. The flame shines like the little bird’s eyes that bore into mine today.
“Mmmm, yes, brother. I bet that shits a hard one.” My head falls back onto the headstone and I take a long drag on the smoke. I let the breath out and smoke mixes with the next part of my sordid fucked headspace.
“The screams won't leave my head. The dark engulfs me as the sweet smell of her scent tugs at the dark edges of my brain. I can't tell if this is true or a dream. It’s the fucking silence that stops me, has me screaming inside my head with nothing coming but the searing pull of pain. It feels like forever since I have felt and now, I feel that little chick from today. Her eyes, her smell, her stare has me finally waking up in a nightmare, as dark as the one I live runs on repeat inside my head. I can smell yet I can't breathe, I can feel but not move, my eyelids flicker to open but remain shut. My brain is terrified so it’s shielding me but what it is doing is stopping me from the reality that faces me on the safe side of this hellhole I am in. A vessel to my demons and a sidekick to the devil who sits on my shoulder.”
Turning my body so my eyes meet the name etched into cement… a forever thing just like the pain.
“Look what you made me do, baby. Look at it all,” I snap out as Ghost’s hands find my shoulder.
“Brother, we all ain’t strangers to the nightmare of the dark or the reaper we wear. The devil seeks us, and we never run from it. We take it, we wear it, we live it and you will be more. Do you think, maybe, she’s just what you need to get ya head away from this shit, from the hurt, pain, lies, self-destruction that was you and Hannah?” His words are a cold slap to the heated skin of my face, the Jager doing its job.
“Maybe you need to not fight any more for all the bad fucked-up shit you both lived through.”
Cracking out my knuckles I hate the feeling inside that his truth brings.
“I’m scared, brother, that I will miss the hate she brings, the misery she places in my life and the hurt I feel when my mind recalls her and her touch.”
Taking a deep breath in, he stands.“Well, you need to figure it out, brother. Torment or truth?”
With that I watch him kiss the headstone
“See you later little guy and still, fuck you Hannah.” He mouths out the cool air hitting his warm breath and a pang of pain hits my cold heart for the love he had for the little guy and the hate he feels for the women who fucked us all up.
“After everything I had done and what had been done to me there was nothing but darkness left." I whisper out into the night over the roar of my brother’s bike as he rode home to his little lady and I sit here going through hate and pain.
I loved and it fucked me over. I trusted and it burnt me. I fell and it was all fucked up.
Chapter Three
81
Pulling my body from what feels like a fucking paralyzed coma, light splinters into my eyes and fuck it burns. I try to lift my hand to shield my eyes from the intrusion of harsh white light but I can’t. They feel like lead. Slowly I try it again, nope no movement, my legs, nope nothing.I can only move my toes. I start cracking my eyes open again, slowly, one at a time. Super fucking slow.
1,2,3
Counting.
