“Please, let me take you home,” he says into my hair. My heart races and my mind scream at me. He evokes so many different feelings that I don’t know which ones to trust. Last time I trusted my heart, it just about got me killed.
“No!” I bite out wrapping my fingers around his wrists and pulling them from my pockets.
“I just want to go home,” I say to him as I turn from him after freeing myself.
“And I will take you there.” His face set like hard stone.
“Stuff it! 81? What type of damn name is that anyway?” I push out as I begin to walk toward the road. I will find my own damn way home. See, this is why I don’t go out, why I don’t leave my house.
“It’s a perfectly normal name in my world, little bird.” I hear him calling from behind me. “Whatever,” is all I say back hugging myself with my arms. Fuck, I left my damn jacket back there. Damn you Timberly for talking me into the they are just like us; they are a family crap. I should have stayed home drinking whiskey and watching crappy TV.
Chapter Eight
81
Pulling into the cemetery this morning my mind is haunted with the firecracker from last night. Like who actually walks away from a club house in the middle of the evening without even looking back.
Yes, I should have followed her. Yes, I should have made her let me take her home, but something inside her eyes screamed at me not to push her.
Fight or flight bullshit and I felt like she would take flight and I kinda want her to fight. Jade has to be the first women who had gotten me hard sinceher. Since the women who I used to sit and talk to, day in and day out. I didn’t think I would ever find that crazy-ass feeling again. The way my cock would dance behind my jeans by just seeing fire in her eyes. I had me club bitches plenty after my love left me. But now there is Jade.
“I said I’d stay true to you always, my love, but fuck me, this woman does some crazy shit to me,” I say to the headstone as I pull the flowers from my cut. Her jacket from last night is placed inside my cut too. Her smell attacks me, wraps around me, pulling me into all the crazy things I’d like to do to her. All the crazy-ass feelings you feel when your body reacts to another.
“Do you see, my love? Do you see her and what she does to me?” I ask her while laying down on my back in the middle of the two graves – hers and my sons.
I look up at the sky. “Is love a camouflage for rage?” I ask her. “Because you made my heart dark, baby. You delivered me into a fate where all I did was hate and I don’t deserve to have her.” I close my eyes against the rising sun. “I still live within the arms of the nightmare that was us and she holds some secrets that I know she doesn’t want me to hear.” The sounds of the birds waking is all I hear when I really want to hear her voice, hear her tell me its ok, go save her.
I know what it is I need to do save her. “Why can’t angels talk?” I roll onto my stomach. “Why can’t you tell me what the fuck to do, my love.?” I question all around me as I pull at the grass growing along the headstone. “You rolled through my life like wildfire and we never found peace. We lived inside a battlefield and burnt each other. With her though, I don’t wanna do that. I don’t want the crazy kill you hurt and drug out of me. I want the safe, tender, and normal love. Do you think I could get a love like that?”
Leaning down on my arms, my eyes seek out the figures in the distance. Men and women coming to say good morning to their lost loved ones.
“After I walked back into the club house, Candy tried to climb into my bed and suck my cock. I threw her ass to the floor, grabbed my cut, her jacket, and the last bunch of flowers for you, my love. Fuck me, I will have to head to the flower shop today and get more. Hers. I will head to her flower shop. What do you think of that idea? She has opened a cute shop across from Ghost’s tattoo shop. I can watch her from his place and she doesn’t even have a clue and I also climbed up her fire escape last night and watched her till the day started to bleed into the night, waking up the world for a new day while my heartbeat danced alone. I was wishing it was me laying inside her bed, next to her. Wishing it were different, you know, that I still wasn’t this fucking broken over you and our shattered love story.”
“I sat awake all night watching her place and watching her. The way she breathes. The way she leaves her window open, so fucking unsafe. I slipped in and moved around her place like a ghost and she did not stir, did not move. She sleeps dead-still. No dreams, no movement, just her beautiful body. She smells of all thing's flowers with a tinge of whiskey on her breath. You know as I sat there on the floor with my back against the wall watching her, I seen all of what life could be like living normally. How you could have a love story worth writing about if you’re willing to grab it, reach it and hold onto it. How easy it would be to run away like I did when you died. How easy it would be to take her and go. But knowing that I have dreams that chase me holds me back. Could I taint her with my past and my present? Could I make that her future? My love, look at what it did to you. To us. To the world around us. Liquor was all I knew. Mixed with pain and death, uncontrollable hate and drugs. It was also mixed with lost dreams and rape that were all you knew. We tried to make a square and a triangle fit into a circle and it didn’t work. Could I do that with her? Look for love within a place that inside me doesn’t hold. All this runs through my mind as I watched her. With my knees pulled up to my chest, my eyes are on her for hours while I sat and envisioned. Why is it that I am addicted to all the things that are bad for me?” I trail off as the sun warms me and I close my eyes as my mind settles down, quiet for the first time in hours. Being here always calms me as I allow sleep to find me.
Waking with a sharp pain to my shin, I blink at the figure standing over me blocking some of the harsh, bright sun from burning into my retinas.
“What the fuck?” My voice is laced with sleep.
“Thought I’d find your ass here.” Timberly’s sweet voice greets me as she kicks me again. “Quit fucking kicking me, Timberly,” I say pulling myself up and leaning my back on the gravestone.
“What did you do to Jade?” she asks me.
“Nothing,” I say back to her, running my hands over my face trying to wake up. Fuck this falling asleep here all the time, it’s fucking bullshit.
“Well, she’s not answering her door and hasn’t opened her shop either.”
I laugh slightly as I pull a smoke from my jacket pocket then place it between my lips. “Something funny, 81?” Her hands meet her hips.
“Na, babe,” I say around the end of my smoke as I breathe in, the flame on the tip lighting it.
“Well?”
“Well, what?” I ask her back.
“What did you do?” Blowing smoke out above me. I know Timberly hates smoke in her face and she’s standing right above me like a crazy person.
“I had finally found someone who wasn’t in the club and you go and fuck it up!” she says angrily. “I didn’t fuck nothing up. She wouldn’t take my ride home I offered. She refused, she walked, and I left.” She falls down to her ass in front of me folding her legs in front of her. “Well as I said, she’s not answering her door.” “She’s probably still asleep.”
