“Don’t let it in.” His voice is quiet and soft.
He continues to draw patterns on my palm and my body slightly relaxes into the touch, it scares me more than I thought. He is everything I had already run from. It’s funny, I can’t quite explain it, but my breathing hitches and I see the small dots form at the backs of my eyes. I know it is a panic bubble and it won’t be long before it ripples out and spills over.
“Just breathe, little bird.” My heart beats uncontrollably at his words.
“I see you’re terrified.”
“You notice it?” I say to him as he stops drawing the patterns on my palm. He links his fingers through mine and he lifts my hand toward my heart.
“I feel it, little bird.” The simple way he says it hits me harder than I thought it would. The noises around us mesh as the blinding panic starts to settle. My leg bounces again and his hand finds it, pushing to still it. It doesn’t work so he applies more pressure.
“Sometimes surviving is the worst kind of pain, little bird.” He takes a smoke from his pocket flicking it to his lips. He runs a lighter down over his worn, ripped jeans and a flame sparks out. Pulling it up to the tip, I watch him suck the smoke deep into his lungs and I wonder if it burns.
“You gotta train your mind to be stronger than your emotions or else you’ll lose yourself each time.” Blowing out the smoke, his eyes meet mine in the dark, my heart stops as a lonely tear rolls down my cheek.
“H-h-how do you...” He cuts me off.
“Been there and lived it, little bird. Still do. It’s fucking dark place.” With that he flicks his smoke into the fire, let's go of my leg and stalks over to where Timberly sits with Ghost and the others, having left me in the capable, but deadly, hands of this huge man.
Timberly looks at me, I offer her a weak smile unsure of what is being said. I pull at invisible thread on my shirt sleeve, I look back up at the beast of a human and his friend, Timberly’s arm touches his forearm as his hand lands on her shoulder. Looking back down at the ground below my feet, I focus on the grass and dirt.
The way little fibers of grass have been spilt under the boots of people and dirt clings to strands of wet dew kissed grass. Still twisting at the invisible threads of my shirt, my leg bounces as a boot stomps down on the broken grass in front of me.
“Little bird, you do know you’re wearing a t-shirt, right?” I can hear slight humor in his voice.
“I wonder what I look like in your eyes,” I say out loud before I even think it through. He crouches down in front of me, his hands reach out for me as I pull back slightly, still a scared mess from hands before him.
“Little bird, I won’t hurt you,” he says. “Don’t flinch away from me.” He pushes out through his teeth that are clenching on his words.
“My anxieties have anxieties and it’s hard to breathe with a broken faith.” Shit there I go running my words out before thinking.
“I’m taking you home,” he says.
“No, you’re not,” I bite out as fear hits me, rippling down my spine.
Space doesn’t make it better and time doesn’t make it heal. I still feel haunted from my past. Having him in the walls of what’s meant to be my safe place isn’t happening. Look what happened today.
I shake my head at him.
“I am.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Why?” Think Jade, think. My eyes scan around us, seeing the beer bottle down where he is sitting.
“Um, you’ve been drinking,” I say fast. Good spotting Jade.
He scoffs at me.The audacity of this man. I pick at the jeans I’m wearing as my knee begins to bounce.
“Well, I don’t care to get on your bike or in your car… or anything. I will find my own way home.” For a small amount of time I have courage, I feel brave and it’s scary. I know it won’t last long; it never does. It comes in a small burst.
“I’m sober as a judge, babe. One, two, three beers ain’t drunk.” His eyes lock with mine and I cower slightly back because he leans in, right into me.
“W-w-well still, I will uber,” I say pulling my bag from the ground up over my shoulder. Standing, I steal a glance down at him as Timberly comes up behind me.
“You’re off, babes?” she says, her voice happy.
“Yes, I am,” I say looking at her. “And not with him.”
