“I wanted to be yours only,” I mouthed to him paralyzed as he broke from the little lady and stepped to the end of my bed.
“Can we start over now that we are both sober?” His voice quiet. He looked like death, like he was withdrawing hard. And if that spew on the floor this morning was anything to go by, then they are just as insane as the ones racking through my body right now. I know his would be a little more fucked as he was higher with all the best for so much longer than myself.
Cracking a weak smile at him Isay, “You know that won’t last long, right? Raising his eyebrows at me he opens his mouth then shuts it again licks his lips before speaking.
“What do you mean, baby? Do you not wanna be sober? Do you wanna stay in this faded mess being high gives you?” He moves around to my side taking my hands in his as he sits down. All I can do is look at him. Get lost in his eyes and just remember what it was like to be with him, have his arms around me. He was home, my safety.
“I would do all I could to be sober for you but it’s hard when I hate myself.” His hand moves to the side of my face cupping my cheek.
“I swear this love will be more than a sad song, baby. More than a memory. I know it’s fucked, this dance we do, but I need to have you.”
“You payed them girls just to get love while I was at home waiting for you. You payed them to lie to you. At the end of it all, when the music stopped, they were gone but me? No, I was there and you threw me out like a smoked joint or a finished bottle of beer.”
God why are we doing this same old dance of pure utter blame.
“Would you be happy if I let you go, Tru? Because I don’t wanna. I wanna fight through all the highs that feel low. I can’t seem to sleep at night because I can’t feel you under the bedsheets. You are always in my mind and I fucked up. I'm a mess and I am broken but together we could be something stronger than we were before. We could be Beauty and the beast baby. Go with what you love, follow what is going to save you. We think we went somewhere we shouldn't have gone, ya know. Maybe it was vodka. Maybe it was blow. Maybe the pills and the fear of the unknown. The feeling of true love but I’ve lost it all before. I won’t do it again. I will run after you for only so long.” I finish, pulling back from his stare slightly the weight of it was suffocating.
“What do you see, when you look at me? Do you see all my scars, Jay? Because, babe, I don’t know how to face it. I have no clue what is chasing me. Can you tell me how it’s supposed to be? Because I was happy then I blinked and it was gone, changed forever. There is too much inside my mind and I didn’t know how to face it, so I numbed it.”
“You have people who care about you.” Her voice was soft, but I couldn’t so much as look at her. “I know you don’t want or need them, Tru. You don’t even know who I am, but you are not alone. Remember that.” This small tiny woman whose eyes burned into mine as Jayden fell into her arms, she wrapped her little short arms around his huge body, and I felt slightly jealous and I didn’t know why. It’s made me feel sick that I was jealous of a lady who obviously means a lot to him, yet I have never heard of before. It had me thinking as his body turned her arms fell from his body and he looked at me.
“You fell and I didn’t catch you,” he said walking over to me.
“I used to believe we were burning on the edge of something beautiful. But it seems I was selling a dream to my heart when my mind already knew it was just a lie, living on smoke and mirrors that kept me waiting on a miracle. To say I have gone through the darkest of days and that heavens a heartbreak away, that I should hold on and not let you go. Did you think of me while you were kissing her? Did you think of me when you woke to her wrapped in your sheets? Oh, it's been a hell of a ride, Jayden, and I’m not sure that my demons wanna take on anymore.”
Tears rolled down his cheeks as his hands took mine up toward his lips, kissing my knuckles. I can’t lie, his touch alone sends me undone but I promised myself that I would tell him the truth. That I can’t be scared of my feelings because regardless I need to get better.
“Don't you give up on me, baby, because I won’t give up on you.
Let me love you, let me show you. Let me take you away, let me find us a new place to call home. Because before I meet you, I had already given up and then you let me break through your walls. I know I broke that trust and I’m sorry for tearing your heart in two, baby. It wasn’t my intention to lie, run or hide. I was fucking terrified.”
“No more. Please, stop. Can you promise me that there will be no more hashtag boo'd up screenshots? No more bitches taking you for a ride while they beg to suck you off after you have snorted lines from their tits?” I steal a glance at the little old lady sitting on the chair watching the words fly between us. Her cheeks pinken as Jayden’s go a wine-colored red.
“No more of them trying to make me jealous on your Instagram? Can you just love me the way I need? Because I don’t wanna leave you. I wanna love you the way I did inside my head from the moment you first pissed me off and fell into my apartment. I need it to be just us, Jay.”
His eyes sought out mine through the tears I didn’t even know were falling from them.
“If you let me in, baby, I promise to never let you go. Never will I let you down again. But we can’t stay here, we have to leave.” Dread hit me as the fears from the past few months rose between us. His eyes could never lie to me.
“The tour, you have to leave me again.”
Reaching out I pulled him down into me needing his touch more than his words right now.
“Il mio bambino, I will take you with me and I shall fix you up just right.” My eyes open looking over Jayden to the lady.
“Baby, this is Bella. I meet her on tour. She is the master mind behind the roses I had sent to you. She owns a shop, a flower shop. Her and her husband made me see that love isn’t pretty, its allowed to be ugly, its hard work and its passion and I needed to fight to have you.” Nodding was all I could do as the exhaustion of withdrawing and this epic cluster fuck of emotions washed over me. My eyes fluttered closed and then opened again. Jayden felt me weaken in his arms as I found it hard to stay up. Laying me down on the bed he pulled the blanket around me.
“I just don’t want all that pain again,” I whispered. “I can’t handle it nor can I take these comedowns from the oils laced with trust issues and withdrawals from you all over again.” Jayden rubbed his hand up my arm.
“Baby you don’t have to. I won’t make the same mistake twice.”
He breathed his minty Jayden breath over my cheek as his lips found my neck.
“Just fall, my love, this time I will catch you.”
As I allowed his arms to wrap around me the husky tone of his voice sung to me, taking me deeper into him, into the space where the bad things can’t touch us. I fall and know that he will catch me, I have to just believe that this time sober we will do it better.
I know I hurt you and I deserted you, I left you to fight alone when I should have not let them inside my head. Now I see it clear let me pull you closer, let me hold you tighter. Because I don’t want you to disappear.
