Jayden – Just finished sound check can I call you.
Me – Who are you?
Jayden – Tru you know who I am.
Me – Do I though?
Jayden – Yes, with you I am all I was ever meant to be.
Me – So why the masks.
Jayden – It’s easier to pretend than allow them to see.
Me – I seen the real you, yet you burnt me, sold me out for their screams.
Jayden – I didn’t mean to Tru, I fell so fast for you, your taste, smell, eyes, your whole being I panicked.
Me - With every chance you had I let you steal my soul, it’s your eyes I seek in the dark when their eyes are staring at me stone cold. Your hand I reach for when I am falling yet you're gone, you’re not there.
Jayden – Come to me Tru, talk to me, I will always listen.
Me – I’m stumbling Jay and I don’t know if you can hold us both up.
Dropping my phone and pulling myself up off the floor I am so tired of being this burden to myself. Slipping my body into baggy grey track pants and a matching jumper, it’s oversized so it hides my skinny frame and protruding hip bones. Twisting my hair around my hand and pulling it into a messy bun type hairdo. Trying to pinch my cheeks to add a little color. I need coffee, food and an AA meeting. I just wish I wasn’t still high and could walk into one sober and honest, not a liar and swimming inside the guilt of using when they all are working so hard. But let’s face it, they all don’t have the turmoil that is Jayden James and his minions to go against. I know he loves me, that’s the problem. I think he loves me more than his addictions and I am unsure if the peace alone from that will help me float to the surface of the unholy path that I have chosen to walk down. I am now spilling lies and I despise myself for it all as I allowed this to control me. The beast awoken and the peace inside my veins gone with all that I worked for. I have now stepped back into the dark and can no longer find a way to seek the light. I am torn with what is healthy and what is misery. In consequence it buries me alive
Me - Can you fix what's made to be broken
I text him as all this bullshit runs through my head. I pile crap inside my handbag ready to walk out of the apartment for the first time in days. That’s the beauty about living in an up-scale Auckland apartment, you can get shit delivered. Even a dealer will do a home call when your last name screams money and your money they have tasted and loved.
I can't fix what's made to be.
Jayden - My heart is tattooed with your name inside it, Tru. You stripped me bare and didn’t mind my bullshit. For you I will catch the moon and make the stars your companions. I will scream to the world from the rooftops that you’re mine no more fucking bending to them and their rules no more hiding.
I shake my head reading his message.
Me - It hurts to breathe Jayden like all the time. You made it hard to live. I was doing fine till you.
I’m within the walls of the hallway leading to the lift that will take me from my sanctuary out into the big, ugly world filled with prying eyes and pain.
Me - My heart is tattooed on my sleeve. I know it's blinding because of the way they all stare.
Me - The way you found me inside the dark I had created and pulled me out of, only to place me back into it deeper as the society that worships you attacks me.
I have no care if this is hurting him. I walk through hell every night and wonder inside the heat daily because I allowed him near me. Now, I am back at the one place I promised I wouldn’t be. I made a promise to my spirit to never fall. Upon the holy bible of life, I fucking fell fast and hard.
Jayden – Let me in…Let me show you I am here, and I am sorry. Let me love you back…I wanna fix the broken.
Laughing out loud as the elevator doors pinged open, I step inside as the smell of the tainted world hits me and my fingers type over the screen of my phone.
Me – fix what…..What you and your crazy world broke?
Slipping the phone inside my bra I hit the floor button and watch as the numbers fall fast till, I am at the destination and walking out into the bright world to a surprised Harry. His eyes are wide as he moves around the front desk. I hold my hand up and shake my head. My body is weak, my legs unstable as the days of non-food and drug abuse have taken their hold. “Don’t. Please, Harry, I am fine.” I give him a weak smile not even believing that it looks believable but it’s all I can manage. Pain washes inside his eyes as he nods at me. “Ok, Tru. I am here if you need anything.” His kind eyes look over me. “Just don’t let any more douches into my apartment.” Trying to laugh as I push the cold, glass doors open and step out into the world that is so fucked that I am sure it will cover me in all kinds of random shit while I wander. The funny thing is I have no clue why, where or what I am doing. I just pull myself into my jacket, put my head down and walk.
I stand outside now and I’m alone. I am always alone. I look around for anyone with a camera as I am shit scared of the flash of that bulb, the way they scream my name and taunt me. I look like an alley cat who’s been on the streets for way too long and it’s not an image I want plastered all over the front page of the gossip papers or fucking US Weekly, thank you very much.
I need answers as to why it is that he is this way. Why is it that within addiction we seek addiction? Why is it that we turned to and sought out and delved in the scene of drugs? Drinking? Lying? Abuse? and hiding. What leads us? I wanna know it all for I have fallen, and I have no clue how I am to get back up. This time I have slipped down past where I had ever been before and I am scared. The feeling is so heavy, it’s as heavy as my darkest night. I am exhausted while the whispers they crucify my mind. Taking the good and replacing it with evil.
I'm fighting, but I'm blind
