The way we used to be still walks inside the walls of my mind baby but now you’re gone, gone, gone. I’m slowly killing us it tears me up as I sit under the now cold stream of water from this shower stall. You’re gone, gone, gone and I miss you. I am ripping at my skin trying to escape the high that has become my norm.
I’m gambling with my life as I fuck hoes for nothing, they don’t bring what you did, do, still your sweet face, your smell brings me back from the edge.
Yet you’re gone, gone, gone,
So, I slice, and I dice I cut my coke with hotel room keys and I gamble with my life yeah.
I get high, I fuck with ya mind and create more lies to live with this rock star life I can’t stop, I can’t stop the labels need me to sell my soul to the devil so baby even though you stepped I have to stay with a blunt behind my ear and I slice, I dice I cut my coke with hotel room keys and I gamble with my life yeah.
There are voices in my head yeah telling to come home but baby I can’t you see I’m a fucking rolling stone. All we have is right now all I have is right now for I live inside the bubble of addiction and life on the road.
I am cold baby tell me why am I so cold as exhaustion washes over me yet still baby I slice and I dice yeah I cut my coke with hotel room keys as I gamble with my life yeah you’re gone baby you’re gone, gone, gone.
Dreams are fire a luxury a sinner like me doesn’t have because all we have is right now and I have death in my back pocket. I lost the alter to where I used to pray, replaced that with the devil 3 tours and 4 albums ago.
Tell me my lady love why is it I act so wild when I am alone the second, you’re not by my side I am someone I don’t wanna be yet I behave this way day after day it’s like I’m fucking with me.
So I slice and I dice yeah I cut my coke with hotel room keys yeah I gamble with my life and wake up from my sleep covered in a cold sweat cutting more coke with my room key trying to find a place inside my mind to call home and run into to escape this thing called my life. I gamble with it I am falling, fading I am lost gone baby I thought it was you but now I see it’s me I faded and I am so far gone that I look the devil in the face and say want another.
A ghost I am baby wrapped up in wet bed sheets because I still haven’t found a cure for loneliness or a cure for the sickness that comes with being this far gone this high.
I don’t know if I could ever give you the love you need for, I don’t know if I know how to love past my selfish soul. I know when I am up at dawn looking out over the world inside my glass house that I wanna set the world on fire and take this thing higher.
I know you’re untrusting of me and after all I have done, I don’t blame you I have written this inside a shower stall while the voices inside my head scream to be released as the demon feeds on more than my soul.
I slice and I dice I cut my coke with hotel room keys and gamble with my life yeah.
So baby hear me now if I die before I wake know I tried to love, I tried to remove the dark thoughts and I tried to be more than the Rockstar you seen the real me baby and I wanted to bury you in roses. I have gambled with both our lives yeah.
Tears are streaming down my face as I leave it all in front of the camera. My heart feels heavy and I am drained, exhausted by the confessions I have laid out. I feel naked, stripped bare. It feels oddly good, like I have shed a part of me and picked up a new skin. I just hope she sees it and comes home, into my arms where she belongs.
Saving the recording, I thread my arms through a t-shirt and slip inside a hoodie. Pulling a cap deep over my face and the hood of my hoodie over that, I grab my phone, wallet and sunglasses. I leave my room. I have one and a half hours before sound check and then two hours after that before tonight’s show.
That will be enough time.
Chapter Twenty
Jayden
Hailing a cab, I ask to be taken to the best jeweler in town. He eyes me with a curious look in the rear view mirror.
“It’s ok,” I say pulling off my glasses and hood. His eyes soften and he smiles.
“Sorry, sir. I thought…” I chuckle cutting him off.
“A crazed, coked-up shoplifter.” Winking at him he laughs.
“Well, yeah,” he says pulling out onto the busy street.
It’s not long before we pull up to a beautiful antique jeweler. I know that this is the place to buy her something great. She is just as precious as the gems and stones inside. Tipping my cab driver and stepping out onto the NYC streets you’re hit with the classic coffee and hot dog stand smells. The smell of roasting nuts and pretzels has my stomach growling. I can’t remember the last time I ate.
Pushing the glass door of the shop open, diamonds and precious stones engulf me. A stunning lady with eyes as deep as emeralds greets me. Her painted red lips in a fake, this is my work smile, her tight black dress jacket hugs her body meeting her black equally tight pencil skirt. God, I really feel for women’s bodies being thrusted, tied, pushed and buttoned into such restricting garments.
“Hello, sir.” Even her voice is fake, fuck me, this may just be a long experience.
“Hello, Miss.” I am my uber polite self-condescending self, almost.
“Can I be of any assistance to you?” she says leaning onto the glass display counter. Fuck me, she’s pushing her fake tits together and near popping out of her buttoned white blouse under her jacket.
