“You know him, Tru. He’s well.” He trails off.
“He’s Jayden James,” I say back into the phone. Goosebumps break over me.
“Mike, Mike, Mike.” I hear him scream out.
“Mike, I’m fucked. Mike, look at me. I left it out there hoping she would haunt me from here and not space.”
Tears fall freely from my eyes as my heart breaks. I can hear how high he is from all the way over the line and it’s sad, really sad.
“I just wanted to call. I see that you had rung, and he had rung you, but you both missed each other. You would be worried and then, I’m sorry, I seen the messages and read them. I hate that he is like that with you. Tru, you don’t deserve it. Then after the message that was indeed for you tonight, I thought he would be, well, fucking different and wake up.” I can hear the pain in his voice as he speaks to me. I can always hear women’s voices giggling and calling out Jayden’s name. My Jayden, whom seems to have just got high and thrown me away like a used condom after an all-nighter. “Jayden, baby, come take a line off my tits.” I hear another voice. “Oh, baby. Yes, touch me like that. Yes, there, that’s it. I love that.” Another voice muffled with Jayden’s laughter. “Let’s make love.” I hear the women from before as her voice fades because Mike begins to walk away from the scene before him. “I don’t make love, babe. I fucking fuck. I will break your pussy and ruin your tight asshole,” Jayden spits out and I shiver at the sound of his voice, dark and lost. I have never heard such revolting and tasteless words come from him before. These women love it. They get off on the abuse he gives thinking it’s funny, a game, a fun ride. It’s tasteless and disgusting. They need a wakeup call. Hell, you are someone’s daughter. Step back and look at how you are selling your body and mind, shattering your soul for what? A fuck, a sloppy kiss, line of coke and shot of Jack? A night with the famous Jayden James, is it worth it? I suppose to them, to their jacked-up minds filled with daddy issues, it’s love. Tears fall, warm mixing with cold. “Fuck, Tru. I’m so sorry, I just wanted.” I cut him off, “Mike, don’t be. I don’t even know why I thought I would be different.” The pain in my voice shocks me as it ripples from my body. Everything that was colourful in my life is now grey. As high as I was and as coming down as I am now it fucking hurts all the same.
“He has broken all that he promised, and I was the fool to believe him. We have nothing in common and I misplaced lust for love. Oh, but we do have something in common, Mike. We share the same love for drugs, addiction and being high. Like now, I was blissfully high, until he right now snapped me back to being stone cold sober.” Mike’s sharp intake of air snaps me from the pity train I was about to jump on as I realize just what I am saying.
“Right, all of you, out NOW!” he screams out, his voice booming making the windows on the other side of the world rattle. The music snaps off. The room is deadly quiet, a bit like my own apartment right now, bar the sound of my heart dying and my soul suffocating.
“What?” one of the bimbos calls out. “This is our party and you can’t stop us.” I could imagine her standing there with her hands on her skinny-ass hips with her tits out and bottle blonde hair a mess of cheap matted extensions.
“You heard me. OUT and FUCKING NOW! I’m not playing. Next call is the cops and believe me none of you drug-seeking, groupie whores will want that.” Again, with the booming voice. I pull the phone from my ear slightly unsure if I should stay on the line or not. “Mike, what the fuck man.” I hear Jayden’s voice and I can’t deny it sends a chill through me, I fell for him and his lies. That’s what I am so annoyed with.
Twenty-four hours and he forgot me. Got high and forgot all that was said and shared. Now it’s been weeks of him on tour and me here waiting, hoping, praying and now indulging.
I hear shuffling and moaning from the women as Jayden bitches in the background like a baby whom has had his toys taken off of him. Well, I guess he kinda did and to be honest I can’t help but stifle a laugh. “Mike, man what you are doing?” He whines out. “Bed, you’re going to bed Jay, but before that you’re going to do what you should have done when you landed weeks ago. Instead of getting high, numbing out the pain of leaving her, you should have rung her.” Mike’s voice is harsh and it snaps my attention to him. “Them women there, they won’t ever love you like she does. They can’t touch you the way she does. They don’t know you and how hard it is more than she does.” The realisation of his words shatters through me, taking the last piece of my high with it. Now I am 100% fucking sober and reality hits me. I gave it all up for him and I got high to numb all the shit he dished my way because I couldn’t cope without him enabling me. I spent days fighting him and his charm off, then I fall and feed on what he gave me and in turn it enabled me to concentrate on saving him. Trying to get him clean so the temptation of me getting high wasn’t there in my face like a neon sign blinking take me, come on slip inside, taste me.
Tears now fall like waterfalls from my eyes onto my pillow. He’s right, they won’t love him like I do. They don’t know his body or his mind like I do. They just know him for the name and fame. The drugs and the fun times.
The door slams and I listen carefully as Mike stomps back over to wherever it is that Jayden is. “Bedroom, now!” He barks. “Fuck, man. Ok, let’s go,” Jayden says. I can’t hear too much just heavy breathing and footsteps and then a quite thud that most probably is Jayden’s body falling or being pushed onto the bed.
“I want her, I do, I want her body here on top of mine. I want her mind and I want her eyes, I want her love and I want her warmth. But, she didn’t come, she didn’t choose me, so what the fuck am I meant to do? Huh, Mike?” Jayden screams out his voice is angry.
“I wanted her, and she couldn’t want me.” He says again this time his voice is sad. “Like him and all of them before her she chose to not stay.”
I can hear all the hurting abandonment in his voice, and it hurts me because I didn’t choose to leave him. He made the decision to believe the voices of paranoia that drugs give you.
“He didn’t choose to leave you at fucking all, Jayden, and you know that. Them as you refer to them are right there waiting for their son to come home.” Mikes tone is sharp. My mind can see his body posture. Him standing tall, chest puffed, anger rippling off him in shreds.
“It’s why I do what I do. Get high and fuck around Mike because they all don’t want love. They just want to get high and a fucking dick to ride. A Rockstars dick coz that pays better come morning light. She though, oh, she let me fall in love and now look. She left me alone.” I stifle a sob listening to him. He’s broken, and it matches mine. We mirror each other. How did I not see this before.
“You fucking tell her then, Jayden, coz doing this isn’t the way. You need to man up, son, and just suck shit up. I’m done pulling your ass from the floor.” Mike belts out. “He’s all yours, Tru. Good fucking luck!” He says into the phone. Before I can even answer the phone is dropped and I can hear Jayden’s ragged breathing on the other end.
I have no clue what to say to him. I get lost in the sound of his breath alone.
Back to being high…..he does that…does what no other drug can do; wipes all of the shit clean. I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it I have longed for weeks to have him on the other end of the phone. Now I am lost in his breath, not wanting to talk and fuck this up more than we both have already. That is what will happen here we will end up saying, doing, mirroring something we shouldn’t.
My mind wonders to the last time we lay together and how when he breathes his tattoos move with his breathing, like the ink is dancing over his skin.
“You promised,” I finally say breaking the silence.
“You promised you wouldn’t,” I say again into the line meeting nothing.
“Why did you lie to me?” His voice breaks through the walls of my brain.
“Lie?” I say back in shock. Finally, after weeks of not hearing anything, I am hearing his voice as I close my eyes and blink the tears down from my lashes.
“Lie. You lied, you told me you would not leave,” he says it sounding like a slurring, drugged baby.
“I didn’t lie, Jay. I stayed true to you. Look around you right now. Do you see that you have broken the one thing I asked you not to do?” I say into the line. Taking in a breath, I need to calm my nerves. He drowns me with his breathing and his voice unsettles me. He’s where I want to be, and he knows he makes me weak. I hate it.
“I fell. I needed you and I fell.” His tone cracks out and I can hear the tears.
