Him! Fuck him!
He is destroying the blissful escape that the Xanax offers.
Taking my phone, I scroll through all the photos I should have deleted. Fighting against my better judgement I open my text chat, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. I’m losing more than my soul with this man. I’m going beautifully insane.
Me- I missed your call.
Send.
Waiting, watching, waiting. Sip of my drink, puff of my smoke. Not even moving outside. I don’t care anymore that I have lost, and I am no longer the OCD human with poor communication skills and anxiety attacks. I am now free, high and semi happy. I’m not all the way happy. I’m sitting on the cusp of happy and delusional, and that’s ok.
Jayden- Yeah.
That is all he types back! Fuck this man.
Me- and?????? You ok????
I’m begging him, yet again, for more.
Jayden- na…yea…I was just walking through the memories of you inside my mind…
My heart clenched…my soul danced, and butterflies flew….
Me- Call back…..
I type, my heart pounding inside my chest, hoping and praying… Fuck, Tru! Look at you, listen to you. A bottle or two of Jack and a handful of pills and you’re all over his phone like a hot rash needing to be itched.
Jayden- Can’t, about to go on stage….
Me- oh, ok. I love you. Know that.
I write back to him.
Jayden- Yep….
The high just hit rock bottom with a cold harsh slap to the face.
Me- Jayden…
Jayden- Tru….
Me- Really….? This is how it’s going….?
Jayden- What do you want from me?
Me- For fucks sake Jay you I want you……
Jayden- Gotta go, baby, time to make bitches scream….
Closing my eyes, I blow out a hard breath trying to cleanse my damn mind from the torment that is the man. Even though high and I wanna give the silent treatment to him, I can’t. To save an addict you have to cut an addict off, and I just can’t.
Biting the inside of my cheek I re-read the conversation. It’s fucking hard work as my head is always spinning and I try so hard to read between the lines. I just can’t seem to pull him back to who he was before he went on tour.
Taking another swig from the bottle and two more pills I slip into a liquor laced benzo coma and allow the world to hum over my body.
I pull up the live feed from his show. Mike always makes sure that it is getting filmed live for this reason alone.
He starts with their most popular song.
