“Jay, you want me to be your dirty little secret. Keep me locked away from them? For what? Me? Them? You?”
“Tru, it’s not like that and you know it.” He downs another glass of Jack. I stand walking to the edge and look down at the road below where there is always a photographer or two camped outside his building. “I won’t let them tear us apart,” his voice breaks as he sees what I am staring at. “I won’t let them hurt you.” His words reach me as tears prick at the back of my eyes. “You will never know this pain, Tru, of being me. The hurt and sacrifice that has made me this way. But I know one thing, I have never felt this way for anyone, and I will spend a lifetime showing you the way I feel for you.
“I will not be your secret. I will not hide, and I will not be your fuck toy, because unlike you, I love myself. I’m fucking proud of who I am and where I’ve been. I’m in love with my story and you nor your crazy world will destroy that. You can tell me you love me, but you don’t. You love the illusion of what I could do for you, give you. I’m a challenge you have said as much to my face. I will not be torn to pieces trying to love something that doesn’t know what it’s like to even breathe that emotion.” I turn and walk inside, sliding my doors, not giving him a chance to speak, explain or show me, show me that I am more. I breathe out into the cool glass holding my palms up on the glass just watching him watch me through the glass. I am not going to break. I can’t fix him. As much as my body hums to touch him, as much as my heart wants to fix him, I will not raise a white flag surrendering to him.
Chapter Ten
Tru
Waking to unruly banging, I sit up in my bed and look at the alarm clock on my bedside table. The neon blue light blinks at me. It’s three in the damn morning. What the fuck is that noise and where is it coming from?
Wiping my eyes and pulling my silk robe from the foot of my bed, I throw it over my bare skin. It floats down over my body sending tiny chills to ripple over my warm skin. Tying it and stepping from my room I pad into the hallway and pick up the baseball bat that I keep just outside my door in case of, well, emergencies. I then realize that the banging is coming from my door.
FML! I bet 200 this is Jayden god damn James.
Looking through the peep hole I see a rather drunk Jayden. His body is swaying with Mike behind supporting him. I see Mike’s mouth moving but can’t hear him over Jayden’s banging.
Rolling my eyes as my hand hovers over the lock and my other has the bat. “Fuck sake, Jayden.” His body falls forward, his head rests on my door.
I snap as I whip the lock unlock and pull the door open. Jayden falls forward no longer having the support from my door keeping him semi-upright. Mike reaches out fast, grabbing the back of his hoodie pulling him back to his feet.
Shaking my head at the state of him and locking eyes with a rather sorry Mike.
“Jayden, its three in the god damn morning. You want what?” Raising my eyebrow to meet his rather red and glazed over eyes.
“You got plans tonight?” shutting my eyes for a few moments I let that question sink in. Exhaling my breath, I mentally count to ten.
“Um, well yes. I was sleeping.”
“Well I was hoping I could get lost with you tonight?”
Shaking my head this is not happening tonight.
“Um, nope.” Rolling my eyes sending a silent prayer up to whoever could possibly help me right now.
That’s it. I can’t do this with him. It takes a lot for me to do this because despite what I say he’s fucking insanely delicious and I do wanna save him from himself. I have to just step back, pushing the door to shut it with all my force hoping it smacks him in his face and knocks some sobering sense into him. Fail though, epic fail as his foot stops it.
“Come with me.” He slurs out, “Tru, come.” He curls his index finger at me signaling me to come and follow him. Ha! Nope, not happening buddy.
I place my hand to his chest pushing him out of my doorway.
“No! No date. No getting lost. No love. No, us. No this.”
Looking up in his eyes, I see demons circling knowing he has dark secrets. We all do. It’s taken years of hard work to quell my demons fire.
“My body is numb, so numb. My heart though that fucker feels everything, Tru, and it wants to feel you inside and out. I want to feel you from the inside, Tru.”
Looking down, the weight of his stare is too much for me to bear right now. I know that he needs me as much as my body needs him. My mind, though, doesn’t like it as it knows the hurt that will come from being with a rap devil. “There is more love in a dead man’s heart, Jayden,” I exhale as tears starts to roll forward threating to beak free. “I can’t hold onto something that requires copious amounts of deadly substances to stay on this side of heaven.” Reaching out I take his hand. He pulls back, but my grip is stronger as I am sober, and he is hurt. Shit, there’s blood. Raising my eyes up to his atear rolls from his cheek. “I’ve been sober two years Jay that’s 730 days, 1051897.53 minutes.” His sharp intake of air through his teeth and the pulling of his hand out of my hold renders me back to the problem at hand, my admission lost on the air around us. “Shit!” His hands run through his hair as Mike says, “Come on, bud, let’s go. Let the little lady be, aye?” “NO,” he screams out causing me to jump at the anger in that one small word.
“I’m so fucking hollow.” His voice breaks as his hands come toward my face cupping my cheeks and pulling me closer into him. My shaking hands reach up to pull his hands back from my face, the warmth leaving as I do so. My eyes fall to his injured hands.
“You’re hurt.” They are bleeding. His knuckles covered in blood that is drying but also beading with fresh droplets the more he flexes his hand and knuckles. Grazes run over his knuckles under the smeared blood, the skin peeled back and the first stages of dark purple bruises setting in around the angry red marks.
He snatches it back hard. He’s so drunk and wasted that the fast movement causes him to sway dangerously backward and forward. My hands go up to hold him in place and steady him. No good though as he just falls back again, falling on his ass. Mike has moved down the hall a few steps trying to get him to follow him, but Jayden stayed put as he’s stubborn. Mike steps from the wall to help him up. “Piss off, Mike. You’re not fucking wanted here, mate,” Jayden slurs out as my cheeks blush with embarrassment. “Jayden, that’s enough,” I snap out. “Stop being a fucking dick,” my voice is raised, anger bubbling. I am so over this guy. I watch as Mike shakes his head at him trying to stand up unassisted. Reaching my hands out to pull him up to his feet, he stumbles on wobbly legs. He sways back slightly before stumbling forward, his body free falling. With our fingers linked, I can’t seem to stop us and regain any sort of balance. Mike has moved further down the hallway, giving us some space, so he can’t reach him before he crashes through my door taking my body backward with him. I release his hands quickly, so I will not be taken down to the floor with his drunken ass. I watch in slow motionas he falls, kissing my plush carpet with a loud echoing thud. Holding my breath, I watch for movement. I don’t see anything but release my breath when I hear a mumbled groan coming from him.
Watching him as he tries to get to his feet and making it worse by stumbling on his knees.
His hand finds the wall using it to stand, only to slide pulling my Christmas lights down. Falling forward he hits the coffee table sending the small Christmas tree and train I had set up crashing to the floor. Mike’s handreaches for me brushing my arm as he steps toward Jayden.
