Murmuring caused me to snap my head to his and I watched as he flinched. I placed his file back in the metal holder and my fingers wrapped around his wrist, in search of a pulse. It was rapid, erratic. As his eyes flickered open and closed, I watched as his eyeballs rolled in panic.
“Hey, ssshh. It’ okay, ssshh.” I kept my voice low, willing him to calm. “I'm here. You’re okay. I'm not going anywhere.”
As I speak and run the cool cloth over his face, his features soften and his pulse settles. I've noticed a pattern with these recent tremors.
“It's worse if you're not here.” Martha startles me and I jump.
“I wasn’t gone for long.”
“No, but while you were gone, he had four of them. Are they nightmares or something else?”
I really had no clue what was going on inside his head, but it concerned me. “I don’t know what state of a coma he is in. I have no idea what he can feel or understand.”
“Well, I know when you’re here, the tremors are nowhere near as violent.”
I glance down at his face and run fingers over a swollen eyebrow. Despite the bruising, the man is stunning – strong jaw and his few days of stubble, give him a sexy appeal.
“I’ll leave you too it.” Martha padded away.
I had another forty minutes before I was due on duty. “I won't leave you. I promise I'll stay. Come back, fight and come back.”
The connection I felt with this man was puzzling, compelling. I sat quietly breathing him in and for the first time in a very long time, a calming peace enveloped me.
CHAPTER FIVE
Kaden
Ican’t feel anything but the dark. I can't remember anything but the hate.
Deep down inside, my soul is screaming.
I’m paralysed, can no longer feel. Where is the me I know I am? Where is the me who feels so much more than this?
I’m lost, cold, ashamed and I don’t know why. Where has the person I know is me, gone? He must have left without me knowing. I no longer feel things, I know I should.
Disabling silence is crushing me. I am trapped inside the walls of my mind, alone and empty, running out of oxygen.
I'm afraid to live, but even more afraid of dying. Since she left me, I’ve thrown myself into the hell called war. Not wanting time to think. Feel. Life is pain and I buried mine a long time ago.
Or, I thought I had. But it’s still there. Haunting me. I hear her. Smell her. She’s there, but she’s not.
The pain is taking over me. Where the fuck am I?
The last thing I remember was his voice - my brother in arms. He dragged me back from the front line. The smell and sounds hit me hard in the chest, but then nothing.
Am I lost? Am I dead? He said he would never leave me, but then so did she. It was a promise she knew she wouldn’t keep, the monkey on her back was stronger than a kiss from her husband, a whisper from the man she loved. We are all on the rollercoaster of life, why do we let time pass us by?
Look at the memories which could have been made if we weren't in such a rush. Memories I made with her are all I have left. Holding onto memories I made with her have done me more harm than good for I couldn’t love her enough to make her stay.
Memories of the past formed in my mind, finally, something……
I stood, hands in my pockets. The dust of Iraq siting like a blanket on my skin as I watched men fall, blood being shed. I was trading my pain for theirs.
I’d trained my fucking ass off after she left, to sweat her from my body, from my DNA. Coming here had made me feel her all over again. I closed my eyes and her eyes taunted me to step closer to the light, to fall for her again. She doesn’t realize that every time I close my eyes, it's her I see. It’s her touch I crave. But she never stays and when I open my eyes, she's gone like a whisper on the wind. It’s always someone else’s face staring back at me, they don’t see how I'm always thinking of you. Keeping my eyes closed has become so much more than trying to keep you with me. I didn't ever want to replace you, but I hear someone new. Someone calling for me, it’s not you.
Waves crashed over me, I watched them, hoping they’d swallow me, take me away from the pain. I was under water rolling, but I felt like I was being tossed around on the surface.
I'm in a box. Am I in a box? I think so...I’m the one who locked me in. It was easier than having to maintain the façade I’d managed to build. My mask was being pulled away. I was falling, suffocating. No oxygen.
