In the end, I paid the price and now I own the scars
***
Today I sit here in misery, wishing I could have been the man you needed me to be. It’s tearing me to pieces because now there is someone new.
She sees me the way you did – strong, but really, I’m broken.
You’re gone and she's here. She needs a man who can love without fear. I loved you and the dark took you away, I couldn't save you even though God knows I tried. Days and nights, I tried to chase your demons from you. I know now, I didn’t lose the fight to save you. I never bowed out when the road became long and bumpy or the dark became dense.
How many times did I pick you up from the floor with pills in your mouth and liquor in your veins?
When I found you wandering in the fields at night, I held you and didn’t let go. I pulled you back with promises of a better tomorrow. I kept you close even and battled the empty walls of my mind while you slipped further away from me.
I need to find a way to live with the footsteps of you inside my mind. I couldn't save you and it haunts me, taunts me, calls me to join you.
In Gracie-May I see you reflected. She has so much of you in her – her walk, the way she speaks, a deep sadness. I know she isn’t you, but in her, I see the woman I loved to death – you, Ari.
Is this a second chance at love? I’m terrified, Ari, I sometimes wonder if I loved you too much and it killed us both. Can I open my heart to another woman?
I pause in my writing when goosebumps ripple over my flesh. The room seems to become deathly cold. I can smell Gracie-May and I sense danger.
Thoughts of Ari leave my mind, she slipped from my heart, replaced by Gracie. I lifted my head and looked towards the door, I heard frantic screams and pleas. The sound chilled me to the bone. Like a sixth sense, I seemed to know what was about to happen.
“Gracie!” I shouted.
I heard her sweet voice shaking with uncertainty. “Please let my nurse go.”
I needed to get to her, help her. I pressed the call bell which lit up the orange light above my bed and doorway.
“Fuck!” I realised, it probably wouldn’t be of any help.
I heard a man's voice raging and Gracie's soft words as she attempted to soothe him.
No nurse would be coming to my room if there was chaos unfolding outside.
I glanced down at the casts on my legs and cursed. But I was needed, so I gripped the back of my thighs and lifted my legs using every ounce of my strength. Pain cascaded through me from the movement. Pain I couldn’t escape, so I ignored it, swung my legs over the side of the bed and attempted to stand. The weight of the casts sent me plummeting to the linoleum floor which slapped me hard in the face. Pain intensified and danced up my spine. Black spots flickered like a neon sign before my eyes. Sweat beaded over my body before running over my heated skin.
“Davies, please look at my nurse, she can't breathe.” Gracie's voice floated along the corridor.
Davies? The name sounded familiar. I felt like I should know it. I searched my memory for information as I listened to his voice. The man was angry, on edge, sending shivers down my spine.
“Get back.” he screamed so loud it seemed the windows vibrated from the sound.
His tone was demanding – military, a definite soldier which made sense, I was in a military hospital. I again searched my mind, recalling my training and places I’d been. Why did I know his voice?
“That’s it, one step at a time.” Gracie's soft tone attempted to quell the man’s anger.
“Please, help me.” The man’s pleading voice tore at my heart but I could only think about somehow getting to Gracie.
There’s a loud shuffling noise and I could almost taste the fear in the air, sucking out the good and replacing it with the unknown.
“Tell me what you need and let go of my nurse.” I was proud of the determination in Gracie’s voice.
That's it baby, stay calm, I'm coming.
Dragging my legs behind me, pain licked my skin, burning me with a rush of heat. My breathing became hard and fast.
“The fucking voices, get them OUT!” I could hear he was past reason. “Cut them out.”
