“That’s great,” Fat Santa said even though he didn’t have a clue what they were talking about. “She loves you.”
“She said that…and I froze. I couldn’t say one thing back.” His throat tightened as he remembered the look on her face, expectation plummeting to disappointment. “I was begging her to talk to me for weeks…and when she finally did, I messed it up. She stood there offering me…everythingI want and I couldn’t give her the one thing she wanted back.”
“Why didn’t you tell her, Ty?”
“You know why.”
Matt nodded. “I do. But I want you to say it. I want you to hear yourself say it.”
Tyler realized that his friend had an alter ego and his name was Dr. Phil. “We don’t have the best track record with women,” he said softly. “My mom.”
“My mom.”
“Trisha.”
“Gemma.”
Tyler took a few moments and tried to collect himself. His emotions were scampering all over the place. “I can’t do it, Matt.I can’t…lay myself out like that. She makes me weak…so weak I feel like I can’t keep my head above water…so weak I just don’t function without her. You have no idea what these last few weeks did to me. You have no idea…how hard it is to be without her.” He shrugged. “I’m fine with her having that power over me. I’ve already surrendered myself to Jordan Shepard. I can live every second of every day feeling that weakness, but…I can’t let her know she has that power…I can’t do it.”
“Tyler,” Matt said with an understanding smile, “I don’t think you realize what you do. You commit, but you don’t really commit. You’re faithful. You’re loyal, but you don’t commit. Trisha only moved in with you last year and that’s becausesheaskedyou. You two talked about getting a bigger place and you never looked for one. You were with her for three years and not once did you talk about marriage. Younevertold her you loved her.” He paused and allowed Tyler to acknowledge all that information. It was true. “Now maybe deep down you knew Trisha wasn’t the one for you and that’s why you held back. She could see it, Ty. You went through three years expecting the worst to happen and then it did. Self-fulfilling prophecy. Don’t make the same mistakes with Jordan, especially because this time I can see you’re not holding back.”
“It’s not like she gave me a choice. She took me by surprise and I’ve been free-falling ever since. I couldn’t stop it even if I tried.”
“So tell her!” Fat Santa shouted in frustration.
“He’s right,” Matt concurred. “And telling someone how you feel isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of trust. You give someone that information and you trust them not to hurt you with it.”
Tyler allowed that to sink in, every word, every comment. It wasn’t as easy as they made it sound. “And if she leaves, Matt? What then?”
He smiled, a knowing smile warmed with nineteen years of friendship. “Then you got me, Ty…like I got you. And I’m not going anywhere.”
“You got me too,” Gary slurred from the other side.
Matt rolled his eyes. “Don’t make commitments when you’re drunk, Fat Santa! You’ll be gone in a few hours. Tyler and I are feeling very fragile right now and we can’t deal with your lies.”
Tyler laughed and Matt did too. The first rays of light could be seen on the horizon and the new day brought new hope. He knew what he needed to do. He just had no idea how to do it. Getting Jordan back wasn’t going to be easy. She’d made herself vulnerable to him, laid herself out, gave him that information and trusted him not to hurt her. And he did.
It wasn’t his intention. He hadn’t meant it as a rejection. He’d been hoping she’d know how he felt without him having to say it. After all, he’d made pretty damn obvious. But that was Jordan. Constantly pushing him to the limit, making him do things outside the realms of himself. He’d told her that strength or weakness would determine which way they tilt and now he needed strength to fully give into his weakness. He was willing to do it. For Jordan, he was willing to do anything.
They sat back and watched the sun come up, the bright light causing his left eye to sting a bit, but he didn’t look away. Sometimes life hands out a moment that must be appreciated in its simplicity and cherished for all time. For Tyler, one of those moments was watching the sunrise on Christmas morning in the comforting presence of his best friend.
“Merry Christmas, Ty.”
“Merry Christmas, Matt.”
“Merry Christmas, Fat Santa,” they said in unison.
“It’s Gary, you fucking assholes.”
*****
Jordan exhaled a breath of relief when the cab stopped in front of her parents’ house. She was exhausted. Her flight had been delayed and she’d spent last night in the airport. A part of her was grateful for the misfortune. It was a worthy excuse for her red, puffy eyes. One good cry was evidently not sufficient for her poor heart.
Tyler called a few times a day. She had no idea why. She’d given him an opportunity to say what he wanted to say and he’d said nothing. Having a conversation with him would only keep things bouncing back and forth between them. It had been going on for months and she was ready to end it now.
Her dad was already on the porch waiting for her when she hopped out of the cab. He walked down the stairs, wrapped his arms around her and kissed her head. “Hey, baby girl.”
She enjoyed the comforting dad-hug for a short moment before she pulled away. “Hi, Daddy.”
