Nobody else touches her. Only me. And I’ll never hurt her again.
More arrows are flying, ripping through bone and shadow, and oh, fuck! Dono the pony-boy is the one with a bow and arrow. Where the hell did he pull those out from? His ass cheeks?
I try to summon a bazooka. Nothing. Just air.
Lame.
And shitballs, these bony fucks just keep coming.
Lexi is blasting some fancy smash spells, but no matter how many times we splat them, they reform like a wily blob of mercury, just reforming and ready to be crunched again.
It’s like a never-ending buffet of bone and rage.
“RETREAT!” Someone yells, and as much as I’m enjoying this glorious smashfest, it’s not a stupid idea.
I mean, these skeleton monsters can’t actuallydie. We’ll be stuck in a perpetual bone-breaking loop of eternity unless something changes.
Snapping another weird skull in my jaws, crushing it like a grape, I bound around the pit, knocking skeletons back into the abyss with my massive paws—pow, pow, pow.
These bony bastards are gonna rue the day they messed with…
“MAX!!!”
Who me?
Looking around, I see everyone is scampering off down the tunnel. Cosmo is back in his studly man-bod, and Donovan's got the chick mounted on his back, looking like the happiest pony in ponyland.
I meet eyes with Alexis, and giving a doggy grin, swipe one last bone-baby into the hole, then head his way. My cousin nods, then runs, following the minotaur who moves super-fast in a ground-eating stride.
I prance around in circles at the back of the group, making sure nothing follows us. You know, because I’m a professional guard dog these days.
Disappointingly, though, nothing comes after us. Absolutelynothing.
Now we’re on our lonesome again, the big bull heads up the tunnel to take point once more. I quite like having him as the captain of our ship. The minotaur is weird and mysterious; I’d much rather have someone like that leading us than Alexis, who I love, but for fucks sake, he needs to get the stick removed from his ass.
Always so uptight about things like ‘consequences’ and ‘probable death’.
Seriously, live a little, Lexi.
I glance at Donovan's back, where a golden quiver gleams next to his lady passenger. Definitely getting a little gear-envy. How come he gets to be Legolas with his fancy bow and arrows? Plus, Cosmo can fly and has flame-thrower breath. What about me?
Where's my goddamn DLC?
Me and the minotaur are due for an upgrade.
We pad along for a while, Alexis throwing out these glowy ball spells, casting shadows that make us look like extras from Nosferatu, until he calls a halt. I give a doggy grin as Cosmo grumpily smooths his hair and straightens his shirt.
I’m sure the grime of this tunnel is just too much for his poor little sensitivities to bear.
After a moment of consideration, I shift back to my human form because, let's be honest, I've got questions.
Now fully dressed again (it’s so weird how our clothes just rematerialize), I pull off my tee, mop up the sweat from my face and torso, then stalk over to the centaur. “Where did you get your Zelda kit, Hart?" I demand, giving Donovan a good thump on his horsey flank.
Theo looks down at me from his back, and I give her a wink. “Did you see me save the minotaur, sweetheart? He was gonna bedown and out if it hadn’t been for me.” I feel like I have to spell it out. If I’m the hero now, maybe she'll forget I was the monster who made her bleed earlier.
“Thank you,” she says, “really.”
I crook a finger at her, beckoning her down.
