Neil watched her, his face unreadable, his lips sealed.
Kristen stepped back until the heel of her shoe found a crack in the floor. She wiped her hands on the corner of a cloth and found they still shook. She folded that cloth and laid it straight beside the jar of salve, a little row of order to stand in for steadiness.
She turned for the door, her spine straight and her chin set. She did not look back at him once.
In the corridor, the air felt colder, and the stairs that had seemed steep on the way up looked simpler now. She took them without haste, one hand to the wall so she would not reach for her throat.
The castle lay quiet beneath, save for the popping of a torch near the corner. For some reason, it felt too loud for a castle that had gone to sleep.
She stepped into her chamber, her eyes settling on the bed first thing while the door clicked shut behind her. Then she sat on the edge and stared at the door.
Neil did not come.
Time slowed to a thin thread, and the candle flickered with each passing minute. She tried to keep her breathing even and let the words he had said to her beat slowly in her head until they were just feelings she couldn’t explain away.
For the love of God, Kristen.
Why did she care this much about what she meant to him? She had been managing well in his absence. How did his mere arrival manage to undo all of that?
Heat gathered behind her eyes, and she closed them so the tears didn’t fall. Tears could wash nothing clean. They would only salt the face and leave the taste of it.
She could check on the children, though. That should give her something to do.
She rose to her feet the minute the thought took root in her mind. She then left her chamber and crossed the short passage to the nursery.
The nursery door opened without a sound, revealing a low fire in the grate. Finn lay sprawled as if he had argued with a dream and won, and Anna slept curled like a kitten, her thumb tucked in her mouth and her hair a soft spread on the pillow.
Maggie had claimed the rug beside the bed and lifted her head when Kristen came in, then settled again with a sigh, as if to say,Ye are here, so the world is right enough.
Kristen crossed to Finn first. She brushed his hair from his brow, feeling the blessed warmth of a child who slept without fear. She checked the blanket and pressed it down, the way she had pressed down cloths on Finn’s wounds.
Ye love pressing things down, do ye nae, Kristen?
Finn’s lashes fluttered, but he did not wake up.
Kristen turned to Anna and studied her for a few seconds. Then she tucked the blanket more snugly around her small shoulders and touched her soft cheek with a knuckle. Anna’s lips parted on a sigh. The knot in Kristen’s chest loosened for a minute, then tightened again.
She crouched and laid her palm on Maggie’s head. The old dog leaned into it, her warm weight conveying more than words ever could.
Kristen closed her eyes and let the silence live in her hand for three counts. Four. Five. Then she rose to her feet and headed back out.
When she got to the door, she looked back at them. The room was steady enough for her not to question it, and for this night, that was all she needed.
However, the heat she had felt in the tower still haunted her. She could feel the rise of his chest under her fingers. She could feel the strength in the lines of his body, the way muscle tensed under skin when pain flared.
He was no legend to her now. He was a man cut and marked by five hard years.
Her vow rushed back to her like fresh water in the middle of the day.
She would not be afraid or keep herself small. Nothing he said or did would ever break her.
She went back to her chamber and lay down on the sheets without undressing, as if she were a visitor in her own room and might need to rise at once. The candle had burned to the bottom layer of wax at this point, so she pinched it out.
Night faded into dawn. She listened to the keep breathe around her. The door remained closed, the lock never lifted. Only one thought lingered in her mind as sleep eventually took her like a thief in the night.
Neil did not come to bed.
8
