“An oddity, indeed. I suppose you did not miss his reference to your daughters.”
“Not at all, Lizzy,” replied her father, the light of anticipation shining in his eyes. “What do you think? Shall you throw Darcy over in favor of my silly cousin?”
“I believe, Papa,” said Elizabeth, “that I have no notion of throwing William over foranyone. Given what I suspect of him,I must thank the heavens above that I am not a consideration for Mr. Collins’s matrimonial ambitions.”
“Jane, too, will not be a consideration,” observed Mr. Bennet, “not with that Bingley fellow showing such a promising inclination toward her. That leaves Mary, Kitty, and Lydia, of course, though Lydia and Kitty will not be a consideration, given their still tender years.”
“I cannot suppose Mary will be interested. Though Mary would do well as a parson’s wife and is a little puritanical in her beliefs, she would not tolerate a dullard any more than the rest of us.”
“Yes, I suppose you are correct,” mused Mr. Bennet. “It is a shame, but I suspect Mr. Collins will leave Longbourn disappointed. Do you suppose he will take a liking to any other lady of the neighborhood?”
“I cannot think of one who would endure him.”
Mr. Bennet shrugged. “Then he must find a wife elsewhere.” Turning serious, Mr. Bennet said: “As I cannot suspect my cousin of much discernment, he may not understand your sisters’ disinclination for him. If any of them have any concerns or if he becomes too ardent, you may tell them to inform me, and I shall deal with him.”
“UGH, WHO WANTS TO MARRYa parson?” demanded Lydia when Elizabeth communicated her father’s instructions to her sisters.
Mary, Elizabeth noted, did not agree with Lydia’s assessment, but she avoided provoking an argument—wise, in Elizabeth’s opinion.
“That is not the point, Lydia,” said Jane. “As Papa has stated, you and Kitty are still too young and cannot be targets for Mr. Collins. Papa’s advice is more directed toward Mary and me.”
“Papa does not suppose he is sensible?” asked Mary.
“If you read his letter,” replied Elizabeth, “you would understand. There was not a sensible word on the page.”
With a nod, Mary said: “Then I will have no more interest in him than Jane. I have more modest wishes in a husband, but I will not tolerate a fool.”
A fool was an apt description of Mr. Collins, and this Elizabeth noted within moments of making his acquaintance. While appearance was not everything, he was about the furthest from appealing that Elizabeth had ever seen in a man, from his mop of oily black hair to his distinct paunch to his pudgy, ruddy cheeks. The moment he alighted from the hired gig, Mr. Collins proved their opinion of him, for his greetings consumed five minutes, and no one else could insert a word edgewise.
“Welcome, Cousin,” said Mr. Bennet, remaining diplomatic in the face of such an unimpressive specimen as William Collins. “Please allow me to introduce my family to your acquaintance.”
Why Elizabeth could not say, but she felt a distinct shiver run down her spine when her father pronounced her name, and Mr. Collins’s piggy gaze rested on her longer than all her sisters. The man did not speak to her, but he bowed low to them and inundated them with further exclamations of his pleasure.
“I see my reports were not at all incorrect, for the beauty I see before me has me quite undone. Even were I not at a complete loss for words, I could not do justice to the reality that is your daughters, sir, for it is clear they are blessed with the best parts of splendor and majesty.”
“Is that so, Mr. Collins?” asked Mr. Bennet, declining the low-hanging fruit of so verbose a man as Mr. Collins proclaiming himself bereft of anything to say. “I must own to one point of confusion, for I did not think you had any other connections in the neighborhood. From whence did you hear reports of my daughters?”
“Oh, reports of their beauty have spread far and wide,” said Mr. Collins.
Elizabeth was certain he was dissembling, but she could not imagine the reason for it. Again, she felt his gaze upon her more than her sisters, and she had no choice but to conclude he had come here for reasons other than what he stated. Elizabeth had no concern for herself, secure in her connection with William and their upcoming wedding, but her sisters would need to take care—she did not suppose that Mr. Collins would be easy to divert.
“That is curious, but no subject to discuss in the chill out of doors,” said Mr. Bennet. “If you will come into the house, I shall have the housekeeper show you to your room.”
Once Mr. Collins retired to his room, the family gathered to wait in the sitting-room. It was her mother who spoke up to state her opinion first.
“I offer my apologies if I offend, Mr. Bennet, but I cannot say that your cousin is at all an impressive man.”
“With that,” said Mr. Bennet, the edge of hilarity in his voice, “I cannot disagree. When the occasion presents itself, I shall recommend he hire a steward, for I cannot suppose he will prove any more adept at estate management than he is at portraying himself a rational man.”
The youngest girls giggled at their father’s witticism, but Mrs. Bennet only offered a regal nod. “I understand your reasons for inviting him, Husband, but he will be a most disagreeable guest, and at such a busy time, too.”
“I am certain we can divert his attention, Mrs. Bennet. If nothing else, I shall send him on a tour of the property—with any luck, that will consume his time until he must return to his parish.”
“Your welcome is most excellent, Cousin,” said Mr. Collins that night at the dinner table.
As the parson had bored them all to tears throughout the afternoon, no one in the family looked on the coming two weeks with anything other than dread. It seemed he was intent upon rendering them all insensible before the soup course was complete, for his never-ending avalanche of words did not cease.
“It brings me to mind the condescension of my excellent patroness, who is a wondrous person, one I am fortunate to serve. Though her estate is a jewel of the country and Longbourn cannot compare, I find your arrangements to my taste and your welcome second only to her ladyship.”
