I go back to the bathroom and the door is closed. My hand moves slowly as it wraps around the handle, and I’m waiting to find it locked, but when I turn it, it opens. I step into the steamy room, and hear her sobbing over the water.
I leave my towel on the toilet and pull the shower curtain enough to get in with her. “Get out,” she sobs.
“Lana,” I whisper and my hands find her waist. They glide over her skin until my hands are splayed over her stomach and I’m pressing my chest into her back.
“Leave me alone right now,” Lana croaks. “I don’t…I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“I know.” My jaw trembles. “I know, baby. Please just…” I put my forehead to the top of her head. “Please don’t leave me.”
“Christian—”
“No, Lana, please. Don’t leave me. I’ll do it, okay? I’ll get sober. I’mgoing to. Just please, don’t leave me. Let me prove myself. Please,” I cry. “Please. Please, baby, I’m sorry.”
I feel her body heave against mine and hear her breathing shudder. Then she turns in my arms and my hands are splayed on her spine. Her slender arms wrap around neck, and I don’t know how she can stand to, but she looks at me.
“Christian,” she cries. “I love you.”
“I love you.”
“But you’re hurting me,” Lana whispers. “You’re hurting us, but mostly, you are hurting yourself. And I can’t—I won’t let you hurt yourself.”
“Okay,” I breathe.
Lana shakes her head. “I love you. But ‘okay’ is not enough today, Christian.”
“I’m done,” I say.
“You said that last time.”
“I’m done.For real,baby, I promise,” I rasp. “Tomorrow…Stay home with me. Just stay home with me.”
“You want me to call out?”
“I don’t…” I sigh. “Lana, it’s hard.”
“I know.”
“It’s hard to stop and tomorrow…I won’t drink. But I just…”
“Okay,” Lana breathes. “I’ll call out. I’ll stay home.”
I sigh and drop my forehead to hers. My shoulders relax. “I love you, Lana.”
“I know.”
“Please,” I croak. “Don’t leave me, baby. I know you should. I know you want to. I know?—”
“You don’t know shit,” she whispers and brushes her lips over mine. “I don’t want to leave you. I want to help you.”
I nod. “Okay. Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay.”Her fingers are in my hair and her nails gently scratch, and I shudder, trying to keep myself together. “Lana.”
“I know,” she whispers. “Please. I’m trying. But it’s you and me, I can’t be the only one trying.”
“You won’t be—You aren’t. I promise. It’s you and me, Lana.”
