And Ineededher to want me too.
I used to dream about that night a lot in New York. Some nights, when I was too high to be aware of my own existence, I disappeared in the memory and re-lived it. I don’t rememberwhat I took that allowed me to do that, but I remember waking up from my memories with Lana and having to get high again and again until I was with her again.
I was killing myself trying to live in that dimension, whatever it was, and I didn’t realize it. Or maybe I did, but I didn’t care because she looked so real, so beautiful. Her voice sounded like she was right there with me and when she bumped her shoulder into mine after I told her a terrible dad joke, I felt it.For real.
That’s what I use to help me get comfortable in this position. I tune out the rain and replay it in my mind, hearing her voice in my head as I doze off.
It’s the banging on my window that pulls me out of that dimension this time, making me jump and my heart pound. I open the window.
“Lana, it’s raining, go inside!” I shout over the downpour and take her in. “And you’re wearing shorts and a t-shirt and…flip-flops?Go inside!”
She ignores me and glares. “Just grab your stuff and get your ass inside!”
Lana runs back to her house under her umbrella. I grab the closest duffle bag as I open the driver's side door to follow. As soon as I get out of the car, I’m drenched and blinded. I run, squinting and hoping I’m going in the right direction.
Her porch light shines through the violent rain and I follow it up the steps to her front door. I push my hair back and scrub my face, and Lana is shaking out her umbrella before she steps inside, leaving the door open behind her. Inside, she looks at me through her lashes with her hip cocked and arms crossed. Fucking beautiful.
“You’d think the rain would be enough to get you to give up.”
“Rain is nothing.”
“Then I’m praying for a blizzard.”
“I’ll keep sleeping in your driveway.”
“And I’ll keep calling the police.”
“Lana, justtell mewhat you?—”
“Nothing,” she interrupts. “I don’t want anything and I don’tneedanything. Not from you.” Her breath comes out shaky, sounding almost pained. “You can sleep on the couch, if you want. I’m sleeping in my bed with my taser and my door locked.”
Lana leads the way toward the kitchen and seating room with a large, cream colored L-shape couch and a TV hung above the stoned fireplace. She stops and points down a small hall with two doors.
“The guest room is there and the bathroom is right across,” she says. “There are towels and stuff already there so…”
“Thank you, Lana.”
“Don’t.”
I sigh. Sometimes she lets me through the gates of her heart and I think I’m in, until I reach another wall and another gate. She’s right to block me out again and again. I would do the same, maybe worse.
Setting down my bag, I sigh. “Lana, I can just…take a hot shower and go back to the car.”
“Don’t,” she says and opens the fridge for a bottle of water. She slams the plastic bottle onto the granite. “Just stay here and go to a chiropractor.”
My lips twitch. “Right.”
“God,don’t do that.”
“What?”
“That,” she waves her finger at my face. “You do that thing with your face!”
I smile as I say, “This is my face!”
“And it’s stupid and it’s gorgeous and I hate it!”
I try not to, but I smirk. “Gorgeous?”
