It’s just a meeting, go inside
Groaning, I lock my phone. There is no way it’s here, at the M&M B&B, every Friday night. Nico must be a liar because this is the last place I’d expect an AA meeting to be. I scratch at the short stubble around my jaw and push my hair back before I force myself up the steps and through the door.
Behind the desk is Marilyn, whose smile falters a bit when she sees me. “Hi, Marilyn,” I say. “Long time no see.”
“Christian.”
I dip my chin. Marilyn has this authoritative thing about her even when she isn’t trying. She looks at you long enough and you feel something start to crawl on your skin. She’s also Team Lana.
“I’m here for?—”
“I know, kid.” She jerks her chin to her right. “It’s in the dining room.”
“Thanks Marilyn.”
I sigh and stuff my fists into my pockets. I take a deep breath before I push the door open and see more people than I was expecting. The first person I see though?Terrance.
My eyes widen. I didn’t know…
He nods at me, and I nod back. “Terrance…”
“Christian,” he says and pats my shoulder. “I’m glad you’re here, kid.”
“Thank you,” I breathe.
“I was hoping you’d show up soon.”
I shuffle on my feet. “So everyone knows then.”
“Noteveryone,” Terrance assures me, handing me a glass of water. “But I’ve known you since you were a child, Calloway. You could never get past me.”
I take a giant gulp of water. “I guess not.”
“Come on,” he says. “We’re gonna start soon.”
I float around for a bit, grabbing a piece of pie and pouring myself some soda. I try not to think about how badly I wish I could control myself around alcohol. How badly I just wantonedrink after today and after leaving Lana’s.
But one drink always turns into another. Then another and another and another, and it never stops once I’ve started. I always end up in deep shit when it happens. In New York—I try not to think about it but it’s hard not to. In New York, things were worse. Darker.
Lana was always on my mind, everywhere I went. No matter who I spoke to or where I was, I spaced out because in my head I saw her face and heard her voice. I heard her crying about my addiction and I heard her screams when I came home drunk.
Sometimes I still do.
And in New York there were few ways to forget it—self sabotaging ways to forget.
First it was the drinking in the clubs. Then with the so-called friends I had made. Then came the drugs—the pills, the coke, things I would have never tried if it weren’t for them. Then the women…
A girl would be on my lap, entirely naked and riding me on a random couch or bent over in a bathroom of a club, and behind my eyelids would be Lana’s face. I pretended who ever I was fucking was her, and I was always high and drunk, so it was easy to do.
I was reckless and messy, and I thought I was fine. I thought it was fun and I was happy—perfect. Until it caught up to me and only the very few people around me who cared saved my life.
That is how I ended up sober, but she is the reason Istay sober. So I’m here in an AA meeting in my small hometown where I’ve come back to get my girl back. She deserved better from me and I’m ready to give it to her. I’m finally able to.
Everyone is sitting in a circle now. Each person goes, one by one, until it’s my turn.
“Hi. I’m Christian.” I take a beat to sigh. “And I’m an alcoholic.”
After the meeting I go right to Lana’s to make myself at home in her driveway again. As I am pulling in, she’s locking her front door. So I get out of my car.
