Lana laughs. “No, sweetheart, Mommy’s feet just really hurt.”
“Bad?”
Lana nods and I start massaging one of her feet. “Yes, baby. Bad.”
Aaliyah frowns and comes toward us. “Daddy?”
“Yes, princess.”
“I have to wash my hands,” she says softly and quietly.
Lana smiles and gives my arm a love tap. “Go.”
I kiss the top of the foot I was massaging and stand, taking Aaliyah in my arms and toward the bathroom. Lana says it’s a bad habit I have, picking her up and holding her every chance I get. It’s a lot of coddling and babying, and she needs to walk. But what about when she’s older and I can’t hold her anymore? Who else is going to baby her if it isn’t us? The world is cruel and she is perfect.
“Daddy, is Mommy okay?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” I say. I set her down on her light purple step stool—her favorite color at the moment—and wash my hands beside hers. “You know how your baby sister is in Mommy’s belly?”
Aaliyah nods with a toothy grin. She already loves her baby sister so much. When I almost died, I saw a vision of this life, and I’m finally living it. By the end of the year, it’ll be me, Lana, and our two daughters.
“Yeah?” Aaliyah says.
“So Mommy is growing your baby sister and, sometimes, her body gets tired because it’s working so, so,sooohard to make sure the baby is healthy. And sometimes it makes Mommy’s feet hurt.”
Aaliyah nods, her little brows—already dark and thick like Lana’s—pinch together. My wife and my daughter look so much alike. Two little heartbreakers with heartbreaking dimples.
“Does that make sense?”
She nods again. “Okay.”
We rinse off our hands and dry them, and I carry her in my arms again. “Should we go get Mommy some flowers today?”
Aaliyah smiles. That’s another thing—my daughter smiling. It’s the smile that makes her look like sunshine, and it’s so contagious that even on my worst days, one look at her and everything is better.
Every mistake I’ve ever made, every bad thing I’ve done—none of it matters when I look at Aaliyah and Lana. When I remember that Lana is pregnant with our second child and we have this home.
A home filled with healing and love and laughter. And even though some days are hard,incrediblyhard, I wake up in bed with Lana wrapped around me or my arms wrapped around her, and it’s better. I get out of bed and wake up my little girl for breakfast, to brush her teeth, to do her hair, and it’s better. Lana has also taught me a few hairstyles for Aaliyah and I’m pretty good at them now.
Some days, though, I do have to put out the jar. Those days are the worst of all, I think. Those days I just want to stay in our bedroom all day and lie alone in silence. The last time I had a day that bad, Lana allowed me the space to navigate it. She allowed me to figure out what I needed so I knew what to ask for.
That day, I asked for time with her and Aaliyah in our bed to watch a movie. It was simple, quiet, and one of the most healing moments of my life.
And my daughter smiling is one of the most healing sights.
“Yes,” Aaliyah says. “Pretty yellow ones for Mommy.”
“And purple?” Aaliyah nods eagerly. “Okay, let’s go. It’ll be a surprise, okay?”
She puts her finger over her lips and shushes me. “Let’s go,” she whispers.
I carry her out of the first floor bathroom and back toward Lana. When I walk into the family room, Lana is dead asleep on the chaise of the couch, snoring softly.
“Mommy’s sleeping,” Aaliyah whispers.
I set her down and whisper, “Let's give her a kiss goodbye and go to Miss Violet’s.”
I bend to give Lana a soft kiss on her pouty lips, then Aaliyah climbs up on the sofa to kiss Lana’s forehead. I smile. The forehead kisses is something Aaliyah picked up from us kissing her forehead every night when we tuck her in. One night after we tucked her in, she held each of our faces in her tiny hands and kissed our foreheads before we went to our bed.
