After locking the door, I leave the luggage in the middle of the room and fall backward onto the twin bed, the springs screaming beneath my weight. I close my eyes for a few minutes and think over all the things I could possibly do to win her back.
Rowan was right. I should have come up with a plan.
All of Willow Springs is on Team Lana, and I can’t fault them. I can’t be mad about it. It’s the only team that makes sense to root for, honestly. I also didn’t expect this return to be an easy one. I knew I was going to get shit and I knew I was going to have to take it.
Maybe I’m just tired. I drove for hours this morning and haven’t been able to shower or relax. Hell, I feel like I could just cry all night. I don’t think I’ve sobbed my eyes out since rehab when I was forced to feel the lack of Lana Aurora Gomez in my life. She was—is—still in my heart, but I didn’t have her. Still don’t.Yet.
Everyday I looked down at my palms and thought about how easy it is to lose something you thought you would have forever. Loving people is like holding sand. You don’t hold your fingers together tight enough, it’ll slip and you’ll lose it because you just didn’t hold on tight enough. And sometimes, people slip through anyway, but that’s just life. Sand is easy to fall through the cracks, but Lana wasn’t sand, she was a diamond. I somehow managed to let her slip.
I didn’t hold on tight enough.
And every day I looked at my palms, I felt a phantom touch. I closed my eyes and imagined my hands were holding her face and I was looking down at her smile, my thumbs pressed into her dimples. Sometimes I pictured my hands on her waist, holding her close as she stood on my toes and we danced in our old living room. Other times, I was just holding her hand, and it was enough.
But I could feel the lack, the missing weight of her presence.
Hands that were once full, hands that were once trusted to hold her heart, are now empty. I’m going to try so fucking hard to fill them again.
Feeling myself about to fall asleep from being so deep in my head, I force myself up. After the hot shower, I’m asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.
My car makes a weird noise. I keep telling myself I’ll get it fixed but once I do, I think I’ll miss it. Especially because it makes Lana smile and laugh hard enough for her dimples to show.
“It sounds like someone has a terrible case of diarrhea, Christian!” Lana wheezes.
“It’s only when I step on the brake, Lana.”
“Why don’t you just get a new car? Your dad would help?—”
I shake my head.“I don’t want his money. He’d only hold it over my head.”
His company was growing and growing. Soon he’d need a bigger team. Bigger headquarters. More technology for everything he does that I havenointerest in.
“Okay,” my girlfriend says softly, slipping her hand effortlessly into mine. “Then we’ll just…add more money to the jar, yeah?”
I nod.
“Thank you for picking me up from class,” she says and leans over the console to kiss me at the red light. “Do you think when you fix her up you can finally teach me how to drive stick?”
I look over at her and smile when she starts batting her lashes. “Fine.”
Lana squeals and peppers kisses across my jaw. “I love you.”
“I know,” I lean to steal one more real kiss before the light turns green. “How was class?”
She shrugs and puts her hand on my thigh. “It was fine. I’m rethinking business school though.”
“Don’t,” I tell her. “It’ll be worth it when we open the shop. You graduate in a year and a half. We’re almost there, baby.”
“I hope so.” She frowns.
We’ve been dating for two years now. Inseparable unless we have to go to work or class. But even then, we’re attached at the hip. We’re almost twenty two, and we’re figuring it out bit by bit. We’re saving—for her bookstore cafe, for a new car, for a house.
But, the more I think about it?—
“Move in with me,” I blurt.
Her eyes widen when she looks at me, gaping. “What?”
I shrug, grinning and turning toward her apartment. “I’m always at your apartment anyway, so let’s just live together. Forever.”
