At one point into our hour-long visit, after playing UNO and starting a new round of Connect 4, I asked, “Will you ever tell me what it is?”
She dropped a red chip atop my yellow one. “I don’t always know what it is,” she said quietly. “I don’t always have a reason. Sometimes, it’s just really,reallydark. And other times, it’s not so much. I can’t explain it and I don’t know where it comes from.”
My hand shook as I dropped my yellow chip, clearly missing the winning spot. The pain in my chest that afternoon was indescribable.
“I wish I knew,” she murmured. “If I knew, I could get it to stop. I could…cut it out. Find it. Fight it. I just…I’m not lucky enough to have things so easily.”
I remember wanting to tell her she was lucky. That I’d help her find it and fight it. But I remembered hating how people would say sorry about my mother and to reach out if we ever needed anything. How unhelpful it felt.
Her pale hand lifted, trembling, and slender fingersdropped a red chip. She won the game. “Is this going to be forever?” Natalia asked, staring at her winning chips. “Whatever is in my head… Is this it for me?”
I shook my head. “No,” I said. “There’s more for you than this.”
I was still grieving my mother and I could not begin to imagine what grieving Natalia Mae Davis-Jeong would be like. I’d rather have her alive and hating me than gone and never seeing her or hearing her voice again.
I think it was then I realized how much I loved her. How badly I wanted to besomeoneto her. Anyone. I would take crumbs if that was all she had to offer me.
“They’re hosting a movie night this Saturday,” she told me, restarting the game. “Will you come?”
“What’s the movie?”
“Beetlejuice.”
“I’ll be here.”
A knock on the back door pulls me out of my head.
“Rowan? Are you there?” I recognize the soft, raspy voice through the door immediately. “It’s me.”
I wash and shake out my hands, sifting my wet fingers through my hair to fix its style. By the end of the day, I’m typically worn out and begging for sleep, but something held me back extra late after closing tonight, and I’m glad it did.
I open the latch and push open the door.
“You’re here.” She breathes, hints of a smile at the corners of her lips. “I was hoping…”
“What are you doing here?” I ask softly. “It’s late and dark back here.”
“I…” She clears her throat and holds up a small tray of six cupcakes. “I just wanted to say thank you—for what you did with my dads.”
I roll my lips in to contain a smile. “Come in.”
I hold the door open for her and her small frame slips right in.
“I brought six different flavors,” she says as I secure the latch. “I’ve been experimenting with peanut butter and a new strawberry flavor.”
I set the smile free. “Did you bring my favorite?”
Natalia’s lips twitch, her eyes darting to the covered tray. “Red velvet coconut.”
“Thank you,” I say and pace around the kitchen to gather the last few ingredients for my late night meal.
“No, thankyou.” Her voice echoes around me. “My dads…They’ve already been…”
“Been what?” I ask, stirring our dinner. “You can tell me.”
Natalia shakes her head, tossing her curls to the side with a slight frown. “Nothing, just thank you.”
“Anything for you.”
