Fuck me.
I take it back. I take everything back. I’ve ruined this.
“Rowan, I?—”
“Are you serious?”
Tell him.Tell him no and that you want him. Tell him you need him, damn it.
All of the right words fail me though, staying trapped in my head and not once finding their way out my mouth.
“I… I, um. Rowan, I just think?—”
“That what? Tell me, please!” His hands sift through his hair, tugging the strands to the point of pain I imagine, before he drops them. “What happened?”
“What do you?—”
“Damn it, Nat. What happened this week? What’s been going on in your head that you need abuffer?Did I do something?”
“No, of course not?—”
“Then what is it?Please,sweetheart, give me something here,” he pleads. “Don’t pull away from me now. Don’t do this. This is so—stupid.”
My lips part, my heart shatters, and I can’t see him clearly through my foggy vision. “Rowan, I’m doing this for you!”
“You aren’t doing it for me, because if you were, it would be you and me on that date.”
“You don’t want to date me!”
“Let me decide that for myself! You haven’t even given me the chance or the choice. You think you’re such a burden on everyone and everything, but have you taken a second to ask meif I think you’re a burden? You aren’t! You never have been—not for me.”
I shake my head, my throat tightening. “Rowan, it isn’t me. You deserve?—”
“Don’t tell me what I do and do not deserve,” he says quietly, shaking his head. “I know who I want, Natalia.”
“Rowan—”
“You want me to go on a date—You know what, it doesn’teven matter,” he interrupts, sniffing and swallowing, his tongue running over his teeth. “I’ll go on the date.”
Rowan walks away from me, the muscles of his back tense even through the thick sweater. He pushes a rough hand through his golden hair and I can hear him growling and grumbling curses as he grabs his coat.
I stand frozen, watching an angry Rowan punch his arms through the sleeves and tug the jacket over his shoulders. My feet don’t manage to make a single move until he’s unlocking the door.
“Rowan, wait, please,” I say, my hand grabbing onto his forearm as I catch him just before he walks out the door. “Please.” My voice cracks. “Rowan…”
“Natalia, this is so fucked up.” He laughs dryly, ruining his hair further and running his hands down his face roughly. “I’ll go, just send me the details or whatever.”
My eyes and throat burn, and I can’t stop it. I can’t take it back. It’s too late and I ruined something good. I shouldn’t have ruined it.Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.My fingers go numb at my side and I ball them to fists. Flexing and curling, flexing and curling. I can’t even see him clearly, but I don’t have to see him to know there’s hatred in his eyes.
Me too, Rowan.
I sniff hard, my knees trembling and bones splintering.Oh god oh god oh god. What have I done?I can’t breathe.
“Rowan—”Please don’t leave me like this.
“Text me,” he says. And then he walks out, my heart bleeding on the floor.
CHAPTER 29
