“Rowan.” Lana’s eyes soften. “I’m one of her best friends and I love her…so much. I’ve known her since we were kids, and I can confidently say that if there was ever anyone I would want to love her, it’s you. You’re the only one that really knows how.”
“Thank you,” I rasp, my throat tight and dry. “I’m sorry if I put you in an awkward position.”
“Stop that.” She swats her hand on my arm. “We’re friends too, Rowan.”
I roll my eyes. “Thank you, Lana.”
“Love ya, RoRo.”
“Love you too, LaLa,” I say, then shout over her shoulder, “And you too, CoCo.”
Christian rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I love you too. Leave.”
“Ignore him.” Lana rolls her eyes. “He’s having a weird day so he’s been overworking himself all morning.”
“He okay?”
She smiles proudly, nodding. “He will be. All of us will be.”
Lana and I hug before I step out the bookshop cafe, determined to have Natalia in my arms tonight.
CHAPTER 28
Natalia
After my week off, it has become obvious I need moreme time. More mental health days that require no energy and only rest. Turns out Sasha might have been right—per usual. It’s time to prioritize it.
And today, to honor some of thatme-focused energy, I’m going to tell Rowan my plan.
Yesterday was my last day of “vacation” and sleep evaded me last night, especially when Rowan left after our too-intense sex.
Rowan visited me often, giving me too much to feel—it’s overwhelming. It’s so beautifully suffocating but it’s never enough either. More than anything, I want to just be in his arms and let the demons die.
Sometimes it feels like, maybe with him, they’ll just leave me alone. They’ll see I’m not alone anymore and I have backup, and they’ll surrender. But unfortunately, they don’t give a single fuck. Rowan cannot fight my battles, slay my dragons,and burn my demons—that’s up to me. And it’s taking a lot more time than I thought it would.
I hate it; I hate this. I want it gone. I’m so tired of fighting, but there’s no other way through it seems.
It worries me that maybe I can’t keep up the fight unless he’s with me. He’d help me, but he’ll get tired eventually, won’t he? Everything goes well until your backup is gone and there’s a man down, no one to cover your back.
So this date-other-people idea I’m about to propose will be able to separate us—to separate him from me. Something to cut the string.
No, don’t do that. Please don’t do that.
Someone put an end to my misery, please.
It’s me. I’m doing this to myself. Why? What the fuck are these tendencies and why can’t I just love myself enough to accepthislove? I thought I was growing, working through this. But the voice in my head thinks otherwise.
He isn’t a babysitter and I’m not his responsibility to fix. That’s on me, and that’s why I have to do this. He needs the space to move on and find someone else that better fits the future he deserves. And I’ll be happy for him even if it means he can’t be happy with me.
“Hey,” someone says from behind me, forcefully pulling me out of my head
I jump, my heart hammering loud in my ears. I turn with a hand over my heart and see a familiar face. “What the fuck, Rowan? You can’t scare a girl like that.”
“Sorry.” He chuckles. “I just didn’t see you this morning. How are you?”
I nod. “Fine.”
“Back tofinethen,” he mumbles.
