“Yeah. It was. But you must think I sound like some Karen—the poor white girl complaining about her poor, rich life.”
I can’t help but laugh at the reference. “You don’t sound like a Karen. Your problems are real, Lex. Standing up to your parents, and after everything you went through with your health, that’s badass. Period.”
She relaxes into a genuine smile, and we fall quiet again as we finish the meal. When the plate is empty, Lexie stands and squeezes my shoulder. “Thanks, Chaz. For the omelet, for listening, for just being you.”
It feels like a pivotal moment, and I absorb it while she insists on cleaning up. She’s fast and efficient, loading the dishwasher and putting everything back to rights. I now better understand her need for order after not having much control in her life.
She dries her hands on the towel and leans back against the counter, her eyes shifting to the floor. “You must be wondering about what happened earlier.”
“I am. But you don’t have to talk about it until you’re ready.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready, but it’s only right that I tell you.” She lifts her gaze to mine and squares her shoulders as if bracing for strength. “I don’t enjoy . . . intimacy—any of it. I usually go numb and just fake it. It’s easier to pretend. Less embarrassing than the truth.”
Pretending? Faking? Numb? Every fiber in me wants to react, but I stay quiet to let her finish.
“With you, I wasn’t numb. I felt everything.” Her breath catches. “I didn’t think it was possible for me to get that . . . aroused. Or actually, you know . . . have an orgasm. I so badly wanted that. Needed it. But no matter how good it felt or how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get there. That’s not your fault. I’m . . . I’m sexually broken.”
Her shame cuts through the air, manifested by the tapping of her fingers and the quick rise and fall of her chest.
“Lexie,” I say, finding it mind-boggling that this gorgeous, sexy woman, who rode me like her body was on fire and left a damp mark on my jeans, can think she’s sexually flawed. “You’re not broken because you didn’t come tonight.”
“It’s not just tonight. It’s me. Even when I’m alone, it’s a struggle. That part of me just doesn’t work. And that’s not fair to you. Maybe it would be better if we stopped seeing each other.”
Hell no.My blood pulses hard at the suggestion. “Nothing that happened tonight or what you’ve said changes anything between us. We can figure this out.”
“This isn’t some challenge,” she snaps in frustration. “So far, you’ve avoided being typical. Don’t start leading with your ego now.”
Her words strike like a whip, but I hang onto my temper. “I’m not trying to win some game to boost my ego. I haven’t had sex in nearly a year because I haven’t found anyone I connected with. I care about you, Lexie. So, don’t lump me in with assholes who don’t give a damn.”
Her face falls, stricken. “I’m sorry, Chaz. That was a terrible thing to say.”
“That shit hurt.” I exhale, trying to ease the tension, though the sting is still fresh. “But it would hurt a hell of a lot more if you cut me off because of this.”
“You’re the last person I want to hurt.” Her eyes well up. “I’m just so disappointed in myself.”
I go to her and pull her against me. “Is this okay?” I whisper into her hair, not wanting to cause her to panic.
She nods, and her arms slowly close around me. We stand like that for a while before I speak.
“Maybe you shut that part of yourself off to cope, to not have to deal with trying to be perfect at yet another thing.”
She inches back, her face tilting up at me as if I might have touched on something.
“You’re not broken, Lex. You’re fucking sexy, I nearly lost my mind tonight.”
“That’s nice to hear.” She blushes. “But it has been a year for you, so you’re probably not that discerning.”
I laugh at her quippy comeback. “Trust me, it was all you. But seriously, it sounds like you got in your head. Wanting to prove something to yourself might have gotten in the way of just feeling, of just letting go. Does any of that make sense?”
“It does.” She nods. “But I don’t know if that changes anything. How can I make it good for you when I can’t even make it good for myself?”
I cup her chin. “You’re not going to have any trouble pleasing me.” I’m already primal with wanting her. “Use me to explore,Lex. Find out what makes you feel good. You call the shots,” I say, appealing to her need to be in control.
“But won’t you want sex?”
“Sex isn’t the prize, Blue. You are.”
It’s sad how much that surprises her. “No one has ever said anything like that to me before.”
