With any other woman, I’d offer to help, but after last night, sexual banter would not be smart. “I’ll meet you in the living room.”
When she returns, I’m waiting by the window. My gaze slides down the cropped hoodie to the Lycra shorts stretched tight around her thick, dimpled thighs.
“What’s with you?” she snaps. “Since when do you look at me like I’m some kinda snack? You were never interested before.”
If she only knew how interested I was. How many times I was tempted to pull her in and press her tight against me. Or how many nights I lay awake, going crazy from wanting to kiss her. Wanting Lot was never the issue—it’s what I did. Day after day. Year after year.
“You didn’t know because I kept that to myself.”
“Ssskt. Please.”
I run a hand over my head, searching for the words. Pouring out emotion isn’t my strength, but after what I said last night, Lot deserves the truth. I lean against the window, the neighborhood where we met stretching out behind me.
“I never knew how to label what we were. Friends didn’t feel right. It was deeper than that. I had so much love for you, Lot. I didn’t want to screw it up, so I promised myself I’d never act on the attraction. You were off-limits. But when you came back, I don’t know… I couldn’t hold it like I used to. Seeing you with that dude, watching him touch you—I saw fucking red. I know I had no right, and I went about it all wrong. I’m sorry for that. You’re the last woman I’d ever want to make feel like just a piece of ass.”
She stares at me, opening and closing her hands. This is unchartered territory for both of us.
“Honestly, I’m shocked,” she says after a long beat. “I never thought you saw me as a woman to be desired. But I told myself Icould live with that as long as I knew you cared about me. Then you proved you didn’t when I told you I was leaving for New York. You just shrugged and wished me luck like I’d never mattered. You didn’t even come to say goodbye. A text a week later asking about New York wasn’t it.”
Christ. I hurt her, just as Lexie said, and I’d been too dumb all this time to see it.
“Lot, the day you told me you were leaving, I was gutted. I couldn’t imagine not having you here. But New York was all you ever talked about. I knew it’s where you needed to be. I just didn’t know how to handle it, so I played it cool. Too cool. I thought if I acted like I didn’t care, maybe I wouldn’t. I didn’t realize that’s why you cut me off. I thought you’d just decided you wanted a fresh start and left me behind. Believing that was easier. Easier to be angry than to face what was beneath it.”
“Is that true?” she asks, blinking up at me.
“Yeah. Every word.” Emotion snags in my throat. “You were my constant, Lot. My spiderweb girl. The first person who ever looked out for me. Who cared. I vowed never to touch you or do anything that would jeopardize what we had. But I fucked up anyway.”
“You really catching me off guard here,” she says as realization dawns in her eyes and my confession shatters the beliefs she long held, falling around us in pieces.
“I should have told you sooner how important you were to me.”
“It’s not all on you.” She drops onto the arm of the sofa, her toes curling into the carpet. “You were the one person, other than Rayne, I could always go to because… you got me. But I also wanted you to want me. Not just see me as one of your homies.”
“You were never one of my homies, Lot.”
“Yeah, I’m hearing that now. But back then I thought it was one-sided, and I blamed you for not knowing how I felt. That wasn’t fair. I never should’ve left like that or blocked you. Guess, it was easier for me to be mad too. What I did was shitty and immature. I’m really sorry, Dice.”
Lot doesn’t just hand out apologies. Not to me. Not to anyone. I take her words as the gift they are.
“I’m sorry too, Lot,” I say quietly, still in a space that feels too tight, too unfamiliar. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“Yeah, okay. We both messed up, but we don’t need to get all mushy about it.”
The tension breaks, and I let out a short laugh. Lot doesn’t do feelings either. We’re alike in that way. “So I guess a hug’s out.”
She cuts me side-eye, but there’s no heat behind it.
“We good then, Web?”
“I’m good. But don’t expect me to just jump into bed with you ’cause we cleared the air.”
“I wasn’t expecting that.”
Her brow arches, calling bullshit.
“Well, not right this minute,” I admit with a crooked smirk. “Not gonna lie, though. I still want you. I’ve tried to lock that up, but now that it’s loose, it’s all I can think about.”
She tilts her head, mouth quirking. “You wanna be fuck buddies?”
