“Yeah, it is. And when life gets messy, we’re supposed to deal with ittogether. You didn’t tell me about the other calls or that you had someone trace the number. If I wasn’t here, would you have even told me any of this?”
“There’s no point in talking about something when I haven’t figured it out yet.”
“You don’t have to know the answers to talk to me.”
“I already dumped my past on you once. Not tryna do that again.”
Her eyes flash. “So, I’m just here for orgasms and good times, but not for the part where you let someone hold you down when it counts?”
“That’s not how it is.”
“Sounds like it to me,” she snaps. “I thought we were in this, Dice.All in. Not half-assing it. You don’t want to talk about the long-distance thing. Just lock it away. Not telling me what you think or how you feel. Now you want to shut me out again. That’s not arelationship. That’s playing at one. And I didn’t put my heart out there for that.”
“Are you serious right now?” I snap back. “You don’t think I’m all the way in?”
“I know you love me. But you still live behind those walls. And I’m here trying not to put mine back up.”
I swallow, hating the way emotion crowds my chest. “I chased after you, Lot. I laid it out. Faced your father. Put my heart on the line because I’m that locked in. Sorry if that’s not enough.”
“Don’t.” She lifts a hand between us. “Don’t throw that in my face like it’s some commitment receipt. What you did was brave—a grand, romantic gesture. I love you for it. But no, Dice, it’s not enough. I want all of you. The fun. The fire. And the deep, real shit too. Even when you don’t know what the fuck to do. I need you to trust me to always be there.”
“Right. Is that what you meant when you said if I don’t move to New York, we’ll have to end it? Like I was on a timeline, and if I didn’t come through thenbye. Easily disposable.”
Her face falls, horrified. “That’s not what I meant.”
“That’s how it hit.”
She grabs my hand. “I went about it all wrong. I realize that now. I was scared. Scared of you building your future in Bayside, while I built mine here. Scared that those futures might never merge. I’m sorry I made it sound like an ultimatum, that my love had a shelf life. That’s on me. But that’s not how it is. I want to be with you. Period. I’d love it if you moved to New York, but if that’s not the right thing for you, we’ll figure it out. That’s what I should have said.”
I let her words stitch themselves into the places that had been ripped wide. “I wasn’t brushing you off, Lot. I’ve been thinking about it too. But all I heard was that you already had one foot out the door, and I just… shut down. I’m not used to talking about my feelings. Not this raw. I don’t know how to lean. Just how to push it down and keep moving.”
She presses her hand to my chest, right above my heartbeat. “Youcan lean on me, Dice. I’m not going anywhere. But we’ve gotta talk. Be open. Even when it’s hard. Even when it hurts. That’s how we make this work.”
“You’re right.” I take her hand in mine, grounding myself in the connection. “I don’t know what the hell to do about Damon. He’s so sure. Like I’m this missing puzzle piece he’s been waiting to click in place. Part of me wants to meet him and part of me wants to run.
“That’s not all that different from how I feel about moving to New York. Not because of you. But because of me.” The admission scrapes out, jagged as stones. “Bayside is easy. Comfortable. I’m a big fish in a small pond. When you moved, I was proud of you. In awe that you were so fearless. I envied your courage. While you leaped, I coasted. Stayed where it was safe. And now, seeing what you’ve built here… playing at the club, gave me a glimpse of what’s possible. Of what I could have had. Of what I still want. But not gonna lie, I’m scared as fuck of falling flat and letting us both down.”
“You won’t,” she says with fierce conviction. “That doesn’t mean there won’t be difficult times in establishing yourself. New York’s tough. I had my share of struggles and disappointments. But I was doing it alone. You won’t be. We’ll have each other. But I don’t want you to feel pressured. Not by me. Not by Damon. Just let me walk through the rough spots and the unknowns with you.”
I feel torn up, undone in a way I never let anyone see. She’s not asking me to have it all decided. She’s asking me not to do it alone. She’s asking me to lean.
“Okay, Web.” I touch my forehead to hers. “Let’s get through this Damon thing together first. Then we’ll figure out the rest.”
Chapter Forty-Three
Lot
Walking the path beside him and watching out for the cracks.
Dice is out for a run. Moving is his outlet. After letting me in, I understood he needed space to process it all without anyone watching.
Queenie leaps onto the couch and nudges my hand. I rub her head and scratch behind her ears, letting the soft rumble of her purr fill the quiet. I don’t know if she needed the contact or just sensed that I did.
After weeks of fighting it, I’ve finally accepted that I’m a cat mom. Maybe Queenie feels that too, me settling in instead of resisting. Could be why she’s been doing better all around, with crate training and not acting like a holy terror.
Dreya thinks she has abandonment issues. Suspects her previous owner probably ditched her, which might explain why no one ever came looking. And why she latched onto me so hard.
Abandonment leaves long-lasting scars. I see it in my cat. I see it in my man.
