A cruel fist beats inside my chest, and hurt slips into my voice. “I don’t have much hope that Dee will let me back in her life. And I’m not sure that she’ll let you in her life either.”
“Taking a risk isn’t easy,” she says quietly, “especially when you’ve been hurt before. It was obvious to Cayo and me that you were in love with Dee for years, even though you were involved with other girls.”Her dark eyes grow reflective and sorrowful. “We saw it in the way you looked at her. In how protective you were. But Dee didn’t wear her feelings the way you did.
“She was always so emotionally contained. It was only when you stopped coming around that week before Dee left that we started to suspect she was in love with you, too. She looked so lost, so distraught, but she wouldn’t say a word about it. The more we pushed, the more closed off she became. She reminds me of Dwayde. They pull into themselves when they’re afraid.”
I nod, recognizing the similarities. But hearing how sad Dee had been tears at me and renews my confusion. “She knew I loved her. Why couldn’t she come to me with whatever was scaring her or causing her doubt?”
“I think when you’ve been let down as much as Dee, you learn it’s safer to rely only on yourself. She never knew when her mother was going to send her away. Where she’d end up next or for how long. And the horrific way her mother died…I saw what that did to Dee.”
Apprehension prickles my spine. “What do you mean by ‘the horrific way her mother died’? Dee told me she had been sick.”
“Oh.” She startles. “I thought you knew.”
“Knew what?”
“It’s not my story to tell.”
I take that news like a two by four to the gut. How much more don’t I know? How many more missing pieces are there to the puzzle that is Dee? “I can’t believe how little she trusted me. How do you claim to love someone and then keep vital things from them?” The angry notch in my voice causes Mason to stir, and Mama T reaches over to rock him back to sleep before returning her attention to me.
“I could say the same to you about hiding your relationship with Dee from us.”
That’s how Mama T calls me on my shit. “It wasn’t a lack of trust that kept me from telling you and Cayo about Dee. You both had done so much for me. I loved Dee. I didn’t want to keep her a secret. But I loved you both too, and I was afraid of your disapproval.”
“I know that, Micah. What I said was to make a point.”
My eyes search hers in question.
“Things are not always as they seem,” she explains. “The same way your actions were driven by something other than distrust could hold true for Dee. I don’t believe Dee is capable of deliberately hurting anyone. So I don’t judge her harshly.” Mama T takes my hand between her small palms. “And I don’t judge you harshly either for the choice you made then. But your worry, Micah, was for naught. We wouldn’t have disapproved. There is no one Cayo and I would have trusted to love Dee more than you.”
I feel my throat close.
“Follow your heart,mi’jo. If you still love Dee, don’t let the past or fear stand in the way.”
MAMA T’S WORDS STAY WITH me through the rest of the afternoon and follow me all the way back to Chicago.
Until Dee, I didn’t know what it was to love someone that completely. I loved my mother for the eight years I had her, and I loved the Torreses. But my love for Dee was different. She opened the closed parts in me with one look from those big, soulful eyes. She accepted me for who I was, scars and all. She made me so damn happy. Just being around her put the bright stars in my darkest nights. And when I thought she doubted my love—doubted me—I behaved like an ass. Walking away from her, angry and hurt, and then playing the aftermath by seeking solace in another girl’s body.
For fifteen years, I’ve taken the easy way out and piled all the blame on Dee for bailing. It’s saved me from having to take a hard look at my own mistakes. That’s why I fell into that dark hole. Because I knew deep down that I’d fucked up and driven Dee away.
That night outside the library, I couldn’t see past my own shit to recognize that something was tormenting her. Something heavy. And it’s still there after all this time. I saw it in her eyes today. I saw it in the way she was trying to hold herself together.
I let Dee down then by not being there for her as I had promised. But I won’t let her down this time, even though being there means putting it all on the line and risking my heart again.
IWAKE MONDAY MORNING FROM another fractured sleep with a throb at the back of my head and an ache in my chest. To escape, I roll out of bed.
I don’t want to remember what I lost.
I don’t want to feel the grief.
I shove myself to my feet, and hunger pangs cramp my stomach. I haven’t eaten since Saturday, or stepped foot inside my kitchen since I flushed twenty-one months of hard-earned abstinence down the toilet.
Yesterday I subsisted on coffee from the corner bakery and resisted the mouth-watering pastries. My stomach growls again and I know that sooner or later I have to eat. Experience tells me that giving into another day of starvation out of fear and a desire to punish myself is more likely to trigger a binge than putting something nourishing into my body. I force myself to the kitchen and pull up short at the entrance.
Visions rush forward of Mick’s hot, hungry mouth on my lips, my neck, and my nipples. I grasp the wall, bombarded with the sensation of how it felt to have his fingers inside me, thrusting with quickening strokes…oh God…will my home ever be free of Mick? Will I?
My past is once again chasing me. For almost two years,I held it together. And in less than a week, what was once semi-controlled is now out of control. What was once somewhat peaceable is now chaotic. The tidy threads of my life are starting to unravel. And I can’t let them.
I learned through therapy that it’s when I start thinking about the things I can’t control that I feel the overwhelming urge to eat. I can’t control my feelings for Mick, but I can control what I do about them. To regain my footing, I concentrate on taking slow, deep breaths and focus on each muscle in my body relaxing as I breathe away the anxiety.
