I’m not unaffected by his despair, but neither is there enough sympathy in me to let him off the hook. “I used to wish it had been you,” I admit without shame. “I wanted you to hurt like I’d hurt. Suffer as I’d suffered. I hated you so much.”
He nods, taking in each hit.
“I couldn’t understand how you could do that to me. Cheat and bring that woman into our lives.”
He closes his eyes, squeezing them shut for several seconds.
“Tell me why,” I ask. It’s the question I couldn’t ask back then.
“I have no excuse, Lilah. What I did was unconscionable. I knew it was wrong, but I ignored my moral compass. I betrayed you.” He seems to choke on those three words. “I think about that every single day. I play it over and over and wish I could take back every second of it.”
“But you can’t. It happened. You did what you did, and you’re still not giving me a true answer. You’re only telling me how bad you feel, but I still don’t understand why. Did you even love me?”
“Yes, I loved you.”
“Then tell me why.” I need the truth for my peace of mind. “I need to know.”
The pained expression on his face is enough to make me feel like crying.
“You are everything a man could want. I’m not just saying that. You are. But as much as I loved you, I didn’t love you the way you should be loved. I didn’t know how to tell you that without hurting you. I was a coward. What I did was so much worse than being honest with you.”
His confession brings those tears to my eyes now. I hadn’t been brave enough to admit that to myself before hearing his confession. I hadn’t let that dark pit in my belly bloom into truth. I wanted to marry Jay so badly that I pushed and pushed, telling him he was flawed for not wanting the same thing I did. I blamed it on him being marriage-phobic because of his parents. But deep down, I knew that wasn’t the reason.
“I should have told you,” he continues, his chest quickly moving in and out with his breaths. “You deserved that. You deserved a man to love you right, Lilah.”
I cry harder, and he reaches for me, but I shake my head. I don’t want him holding me. He watches me cry as if he’s absorbing every tear into his skin.
“I’m not the woman I used to be,” I manage to say when I’m all cried out. “I won’t ever be as unguarded. I won’t ever hear a doorbell ring without the memory of that night. I won’t ever live without some element of fear. There were days when I didn’t want to continue, days when I didn’t know if I could. I was in a bad place for a long time until I got sick of living that way. I took my life back.”
I tell this to Jay, not for him, but for me. “I went for trauma counseling and worked my butt off in rehab. It took a lot of effort, but I regained all the motion in my left hand and some in my right. I work as a musical director at a school for the performing arts. It’s not the same passion I had for playing the cello, but I enjoy teaching and planning the curriculum.
“I’m seeing someone, learning to open my heart again. I look forward instead of constantly looking back. I don’t hate you anymore, and I don’t wish you any ill will, either. That drains too much energy. I’m focused on me and making a new normal for myself.”
His whole body reacts, sagging as if I’d just released him from the restraints of metal chains. He blows out an unsteady breath, trying to speak, making a few attempts before he finally gets the words out. His eyes water, and there are tears in his voice.
“I was so afraid that I would find you like me: stuck and emotionally broken. You suffered horribly, but you found a way to piece yourself back together into this strong and beautiful mosaic.
“I’m amazed by you, Lilah. Grateful that you were willing to see me and share so much. You’ve given me more than I deserve, more than you can ever know.”
I understand what he means because I understand him. He wasn’t expecting my forgiveness. He knew I couldn’t give him that. But he had to make sure I had healed and found some happiness before he could move on.
For the first few years after the attack, my life had been only resentment and anger. I’d survived, but I wasn’t living. I could tell he’d just been surviving too. I don’t begrudge him a second chance at life.
I look at the man who used to be my world, who hurt me beyond measure, and let him go. “Goodbye, Jay.”
SUMMER WAS STARTING TO FADE into fall. The humidity still blankets the city during the day but cools down in the evenings. I flick up the safety lever and open the sliding doors, stepping barefoot on the terrace in boxer shorts with a glass of wine. I’m glad I thought of pulling on a sweatshirt—the warm, cozy one that reads, “Small Boobs, Big Dreams.” I select my SZA playlist and kick back on one of the two padded wicker chairs beneath the clear night sky.
My family and I have been able to breathe easier since Eduardo was denied bail. It turns out I wasn’t so special. He’d been charged three times before, and was still on probation when he violated the terms by stalking me.Jeez. It’s true what they say about not being able to judge a book by its cover. Who would have thought that this suave, alluring man had a penchant for trying to scare women back into his arms after they dumped him? His trial date is set for the new year, and he could face up to two years in jail. I’ll have to testify. But I’m not going to think about it until then.
I just delivered the Friar project with wild success. I hadn’t let Talon anywhere near that final presentation. He wasn’t the culprit I thought him to be, but he was still a sore loser and a complete a-hole that had sabotaged me once before. Athena, who’s now happily engaged, also attended the meeting with Brett. Stiles hadn’t been there.
I haven’t spoken to him in the three weeks since he left my parents’ house. It hurts. I had hoped…well, it doesn’t matter. He hadn’t made me any promises. He never does.
I’d seen him briefly at Mick’s book launch party last week, but he’d been on duty and assigned Hilton to drive me. It had been hard to have a good time knowing he was there and avoiding me. We’d come full circle. Only it was worse now because I knew what it was like to have him…well, a piece of him, for a little while.
So, I’m adjusting, coping, whatever you call trying to move on when your heart isn’t your own anymore.
Eventually, I’ll start fresh. But I’m not in any rush. I have King for those lonely nights, and I’ve started cooking more by trying TikTok recipes. Lex and Dee were over a few days ago for my first attempt at Bang Bang shrimp. They were a little overcooked, but the sauce was pretty good, and compensated for the rubbery texture.
