“I’m aware,” he says testily. “Jordyn left a note under my door.” Then holding a piece of scrap paper, he reads aloud, “Dearest Colonel, you are a joy, and I’m so happy to have met you and spent time in your company. Thank you for a lovely weekend and for making me feel welcome and at home. I’m sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye in person. I’ll remember you always. Love, Jordyn.” His eyes jerk back to me. “What did you do?”
My head drops, the pounding vicious, but nothing compared to the pain in my chest. “She said she’s fallen in love with me. But I can’t love her back.” Even though I want to so bad, it fucking hurts.
“Did you tell her about Lilah?”
“I told her all she needed to know, that she deserves better than me.”
“Dammit, boy. How long are you going to wallow in your guilt and self-destruction?”
“Wallow?!” I turn my anger outward and face his hard stare with one of my own. “My self-destruction doesn’t come close to what I destroyed. Lilah can never forgive me that, and I can never forgive myself. So, don’t talk to me about wallowing like I should get over it. Gemma has her sentence to serve, and I have mine.”
“Then I’ll leave you to it, Junior,” he says with a thick sigh of regret and disappointment. “I love you with all my heart, and I’ll hate to see you go. Denzel can come stay with me for a while.”
“You’re giving me an ultimatum?” I retort indignantly. “Get over it or get out?”
He puts a hand on my shoulder. “No one can absolve you, Junior. Not even Lilah. Only you can do that for yourself, but you refuse to take any steps in that direction. You want to keep punishing yourself; that’s your choice. But I can’t be a party to that anymore. It hurts too much for me to watch you die inside.”
IHADN’T CRIED FOR THEODORE. But last night, I ugly-cried myself to sleep for Stiles—big, hot, aching tears buried in my pillow.
When he said he couldn’t love me back, it felt like my heart had gone through a hundred rounds of whack-a-mole. Then, with one final whack for the road, Stiles took my bag to the car and stood there facing me with an emotionless mask. I wanted to scream, shake him, slap him, anything to get a reaction.
But I suppose he’d said it all. He was still tied to another woman. Be that love or guilt, either way, he’d chosen her over me.
Picking up my phone off the side table, I check the time. It’s almost eight o’clock with no message from Stiles. It’s to be expected, but I’d still held onto idiotic hope. I toss the phone onto the sheets and drag myself out of bed to get ready to pick up Lexie for our spa day with my mom. I strip off my tank and bottoms. No matter his reason, I’m gutted.
But what is vastly different between his rejection now and Theodore’s back then is me. I’m not asking myself what I’m lacking because I’m not lacking a damn thing. I hadn’t set out to fall for Stiles. I wasn’t looking to catch feelings. But I had, and I won’t settle for less than my worth. I deserve a man who is free and willing to love me back with his whole heart and soul.
At least through this, I’ve also come to realize that the romance gene hadn’t passed me by after all. On a subconscious level, I’d allowed the messages that I wasn’t girlfriend or wife material to find a home in my psyche. I entrenched myself in singlehood. Like Athena, my freedom, my career, and my independence were banners that I waved proudly. I convinced myself I didn’t want or need a man. And I don’t. But the truth is, for all my toughness, I’d been too afraid…terrified to open my heart. How ironic that when I find the right man to brave it with, the circumstances are all wrong.
* * *
Dressed in a romper and flip-flops, I push through the front entrance of my building and feel the humidity hit my skin. But more than the eighty-five-degree weather, I overheat at the sight of the Bates duo. Freddy, in a baseball cap, is sweeping my front steps, and his mother, in a wide straw-brimmed hat, is kneeling in the grass, pulling out weeds. I march past Freddy without any acknowledgment and go straight to the source.
“Miss Carol!”
“Hun.” She glances up, clueless or pretending to be. “Aren’t you cute in that outfit?”
“You and Freddy need to stop this now,” I say with blunt intention. “Phil arranges for someone to take care of the grounds.”
“They’re not very diligent. Look at these weeds.”
“That is for me to deal with, not you.”
“I’m sure you would have if you’d been around. But we noticed you’ve been gone a couple of days. If I could offer you some motherly advice, Hun, men don’t buy the cow when the milk is free.”
“That’s it!” I raise my voice, shocking her mouth closed. “I have repeatedly told you that I don’t appreciate you overstepping your bounds as a tenant. And yet you continue to do so. I do not want you looking out for me or tending to my property. Nor do I want or value your opinions and advice on my personal life. Butt out, Mrs. Bates. Consider this your final warning.”
“I’m disappointed you feel that way.” She collects her gardening tools and stands with a huff.
I couldn’t care less that she’s upset.With a swell of anger winding through me, I watch her stiff retreat over to Freddy. He’d been privy to the scene and had stopped sweeping. She says something to him, too low for me to hear. He nods and shuffles behind her into the house.
I have zero faith that Carol Bates will respect my wishes. And as much as I want to, I can’t just boot her with eight months left on her lease agreement. If I were to pursue an eviction in court, I could hear the judge now. “You want to break her lease because she pulled out weeds and her son swept your porch?”
But I forget my woes when Lexie gets into the car. She’d skipped our Pilates class and hadn’t joined Dee and me for dinner on Wednesday. She doesn’t look well. There are light purple smudges beneath her eyes, her skin is pale, and she’s lost weight. Make-up and a chic maxi dress can’t disguise the obvious.
“Lex, I’m concerned. Have you seen your doctor yet?”
“No. Been too busy. But I will. I’m just run down. This spa day is exactly what I need. Thanks for inviting me.”
