“I carried that lie with me on my way back to the base after the holidays. During the trip, a snowstorm hit and canceled my connecting flight. I stayed over in Minneapolis. That’s where I met a woman named Gemma. She was quirky, a carefree spirit who seemed to float through life without any worries. I wasn’t particularly attracted to her, but I was attracted to what she represented—freedom, I guess. When she asked me back to her room, I went. I look back on it with shock and disgust for how easily I went without any thought to Lilah, my values, or the ramifications.
“I panicked the morning after. It was the biggest mistake and regret of my life. I wanted out of there, but Gemma had formed some misguided attachment and claimed I was her soulmate. When I told her I didn’t feel the same way, she lost it. She cursed, hit me, threw things. I knew then that she wasn’t stable. But I didn’t anticipate just how unhinged she was or would become.”
He pauses for air or maybe the strength to continue. “I didn’t think I’d ever see her again. I returned home with a new outlook that was shaded in guilt and remorse. I was going to propose to Lilah, as if that would somehow absolve me. I planned a night out to do it right. I made reservations at a fancy restaurant and rented a limo. Lilah was already dressed and ready, eager for our date. But I was dragging, trying to muster up the excitement I should have been feeling. It wasn’t fair to Lilah, but I was determined to make it work, to be a better man for her.
“While I was in the shower, the doorbell must have rung. I didn’t hear anything until I turned off the water. By then,” he says roughly and drags a hand over his face, “I…I was too late.”
His labored breaths force him to stop. I want to tell him it’s okay, that he doesn’t have to tell me anymore. I don’t, though, in case he needs this. But I can’t let him go through it alone. I scoot onto his lap and hug him hard. His arms come around me. Then his voice follows in a pained whisper.
“There was so much blood…on Lilah, her chest, her stomach, her hands—everywhere. Gemma had found out where I lived. She came with a knife. It might have been intended for me, but she attacked Lilah.”
“I’m so sorry, Jasper.” I hug him even harder and stroke my hand over his head.
“Lilah didn’t die, thank God, but what she went through, surgery, blood transfusions…the tendons in her dominant hand were severed. She was so gifted. Now she can’t play the cello anymore. I took that from her.”
I can hear how much that admission guts him, the guilt of feeling responsible. Even if he knows intellectually that Gemma Kershaw was the only one holding that knife, he blames himself for the actions that led her to Lilah.
I take his whiskered cheeks between my hands, and he lifts his face to mine, letting me see into him. “I would tell you it’s not your fault, but I imagine you’ve heard that before. It’s not what anyone else believes that matters. It’s what you believe.”
“I haven’t been able to separate my actions from Gemma’s. They’re so connected in my head that there is no difference.”
“That’s why you’ve been punishing yourself.”
He nods. “I shut people out; I closed myself off. I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t think I deserved anything good in my life. Then I met you and wanted everything I had denied myself. It made me so conflicted.”
I remember what my mom said about thinking her happiness betrayed Ethan. That must be how Stiles feels.
“I wanted to love you, Jordyn, but I couldn’t. I knew I’d never be able to if I didn’t find out for myself how Lilah was. I went to see her.”
“You saw Lilah?”
“A couple of days after I left you at your parents’ house, I flew to Denver. I didn’t know if I was really going to go through with it. I didn’t know if I should. Was I being selfish in needing closure? Would I hurt Lilah all over again?”
“Oh, Jasper, that’s a lot. How was she?”
He smiles. It’s a smile that’s tinged with both sadness and admiration. “She’s strong and courageous. I shouldn’t have expected anything less from her. I’ll tell you about it another time if you want.”
“I do, whenever you’re ready. Thank you for trusting me, Jasper. I know how difficult it must have been to share that, to relive it. Now it’s my turn to be honest. I already knew.”
Shock seems to hit him like a tidal wave. “How?”
“I remembered the name of the town you were from and that the colonel said you were called Jay. I looked it up and found the articles. I recognized the similarities. I’ve known for weeks. I knew when I last saw you and told you I loved you. It didn’t change the way I feel, and listening to the whole story, I love you even more because I know the core of you. I know the man you are: a good man who made a terrible mistake and suffered deeply for it. My mom said to me that it’s easy to love perfection, but true love is being able to love imperfections too. I love all of you, Jasper.”
His eyes blaze with a multitude of emotions. “I dreaded telling you. I didn’t want to lose your respect or your love. I knew you would never tolerate a man who cheats.”
“No, I wouldn’t. I had a boyfriend back in college. At the time, I thought he could be the one. When I found out he was engaged, I tossed him out. But the difference, Jasper, is that he had no remorse for what he’d done. He didn’t care who got hurt. That isn’t you. I’m not afraid that you’ll cheat on me. You won’t make that mistake again. Besides, you know how well I can aim my foot.”
He laughs and shakes his head. “I didn’t think I’d be laughing tonight, but I should know to expect the unexpected with you.” He presses a soft kiss to my lips and then pulls back. His face is calm but serious again. “I wanted to come straight here after I returned from Colorado. But I had to take time to sort through things, to get my head straight. I knew how I felt about you, but I had to be sure I could give you the words this time. I’d hurt you enough, and I wasn’t going to do it again.
“I’ll forever be sorry about Lilah and for my choices and their consequences. I have to live with that. Some days may be harder than others. But I promise to keep pushing forward—for you, for me, for us. I want to be your present and your future. I want to give you more than just the words. I want to give you my heart, Jordyn. I love you.”
I never thought I’d hear him say those three coveted words. I never thought I’d cry like this over them, either. “Say it again?” I ask with tears spilling over and cascading down my cheeks.
He smiles tenderly and frames my face between his hands. “I love you, Jordyn Clara Sinclair, with everything I am and strive to be. Thank you for breathing life back into me, for seeing something in me that gave you hope, and for loving me completely and unconditionally. You are the woman that I knew would be trouble from the jump. I didn’t know you’d be the one to help me heal. But you have. You make me smile and laugh and feel. You make me want a tomorrow.”
My eyes are leaking; my nose is running. I’m a blubbering mess, but he’s looking at me as if I’m the most beautiful sight. “I didn’t think I wanted love or a relationship. But all this time, I was just waiting for you.”
His mouth covers mine, and it’s an explosion of mutual longing. I’m flying on it, soaring. No single kiss has ever felt so intense, so utterly complete. I’m moaning into his mouth and running my hands all over his shoulders.
