I wipe my face and sniff back the snot leaking from my nose. “Now. Please. I’d like to see them now.”
Aemon holds me tight against his side as Jael leads us through the tiny clinic. It’s much like any other clinic I’ve seen. Cots arelined up in rows—three, to be exact—with a few extras pushed up against the walls to manage the larger than usual number of patients. The scent of vinegar stings my nose and eyes, and underneath that, like someone tried to cover it up but didn’t quite succeed, is the musk of decay.
None of this feels quite real, like I’m standing outside myself, watching someone else’s life crumble to bits around them. If only I’d been able to warn Mama about Leodin, maybe she would have taken Max and escaped before they came. Maybe, if I wasn’t so worried about myself, I might have thought to ask Aemon to send a telegram when we stopped in that little town. He had the money. But no. I was too worried about what was going to happen to me. And if I’m being honest, I never thought any of this would happen. I was so gods damned naïve.
Jael stops beside a bed to speak to a female, and I’m so distracted, it takes me a moment to realize who it is. One side of her face is gnarled and mottled where it must have been horribly burned. She attempts to smile at Jael, but the movement only tugs at the scarred skin, making her appearance even more grotesque.
I step up beside Jael. “Magi Alise?”
The magi stares up at me, her eyes widening in recognition. “You? We all thought you were dead.”
Of course they did. I disappeared for weeks after escaping the palace. “I’m looking for my mother and Max. Have you seen them?”
Her eyes soften. “Not since the morning before the fire. We’d all just received the news about your father, and they were so upset.”
Poor Max. “Do you knowwhere they went after?”
“Your mother’s room to rest, I think. The soldiers came that night when everyone was asl—” She makes a sort of choking sound, then erupts into a fit of coughs that rattle her whole body. Jael passes her a glass of water and the magi’s hands are shaking so badly she spills as much as she drinks. Finished, she returns the water to Jael and collapses back onto her pillow. She closes her eyes and takes a few breaths, then continues, “They set the building on fire with all of us inside. I heard the children screaming,” she says, her voice laced with grief, “and I opened the door, trying to get to them, but the fire.” Another deep breath and a cough. “I swear it came after me. I jumped out of my bedroom window to escape. I don’t remember much after. I’m sorry.”
“That’s alright,” I reply, trying and failing to keep my voice from quavering with the tears I’m refusing to let fall. “You rest.”
I turn to walk away, but Alise grabs my wrist, stopping me in my tracks. “Don’t blame yourself for not being there. You would have just died too. Your mother would be glad to know you’re safe.”
The tears I’ve been holding back burst from me like a tsunami, and I sputter out a quick “thank you,” then rush off in search of a place to cry.
52
Ididn’t immediately follow Katya to her room. Instead, I talked to Jael for a few minutes, just to give Katya some time to collect herself. Gods know, I’ve never been any good at this sort of thing. I never know what to say or how to act, but this time is so much worse because this is my fault. I’m the one that trusted Troi to keep his word. I’m the one who chased after her instead of staying behind to rein him in. How can I possibly comfort her when I’m the one who ruined her fucking life?
As expected, I find her lying in bed, curled up onto her side, silently crying. Every fiber of my being is screaming at me to fix this,but I can’t. I don’t know how, and it’s killing me. I want to scream or cry or punch something. Instead, I simply stand here, watching her suffer, and wish it was me. I never knew it could be like this—this feeling someone else’s pain like it’s your own. I’d take every drop of that pain from her just to see her smile.
I don’t speak. There’s nothing I can say that will make this better. I simply climb into bed behind her, tuck her against my chest and hold her. Sobs wrack her tiny body and tears roll down her beautiful face. I tug my sleeve down and wipe them away, then press a kiss to the back of her head. Even in this, I’m a self-serving bastard. I can tell myself I’m trying to comfort her, but really, I’m just trying to comfort myself. I’m holding her because I need to feel her body pressed against mine, to soak up her warmth, to know she’s safe and whole and mine.
It’s ironic to think that in learning to love someone else, I’ve come to truly hate myself.
Katya rolls over and presses her palms against my chest. “Do you think they could have survived?” she asks. Her tone isn’t hopeful.
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. I brush the hair back from her face. Her eyes are red and swollen from crying, and yet, she’s still so beautiful it takes my breath away. “I talked to Jael, and she’s working on getting us a horse and supplies so we can go check it out for ourselves. If we leave first thing, we should be able to make it before nightfall.”
She nods. “Thank you.” She leans in and presses a kiss to my mouth. Her mouth is warm and salty with tears. Then her tongue slips between the seam of my lips, and I’m done for. I pull her body flush against mine and kiss her with everything I am.
53
It’s as though I’m in free fall. All my grief and pain and self-loathing float away, and I lose myself in him. His dark, clean scent envelops me like a blanket, somehow both soothing and arousing. The stubble framing Aemon’s mouth is rough against my skin, but his lips are soft and plump and like silk as they move against mine. His hands move from my face to spear my hair, and he tips my head, deepening the kiss.
I’m melting, melting against him. Yes. This is what I need, a distraction, a chance to breathe. Aemon’s body presses me into the mattress, every hard plane of his body fitted to mine. I writhe against him, my need ratcheting up with every movement. It isn’t enough. Gripping him by the shoulders, I urge him closer, tighter. There’s too much space between us. I wrap my legs around his hips and squeeze. His cock is hard and thick against my mound, and I roll my hips, pleasure sparking through my clit with every stroke.Still, it isn’t enough. I want to crawl inside of him, feel every part of him against every part of me.
His lips brush across my jaw and down my throat where he bites and sucks and tongues my skin, setting off a flurry of fireworks in my belly. I tilt my head, a silent plea for more, while his hand slides down my neck and across my clavicle to cup my breast, his thumb brushing over my peaked nipple. A squeak escapes my lips. Aemon removes his hand and draws back. His chest is heaving, lips swollen from kissing, and yet he stops to ask, “Is this alright?”
Gods, I love this man.
“Yes. Don’t stop.” I crush my lips to his and drag his hand back to my breast. He squeezes and kneads the flesh, and I continue to rock against him. Aemon pinches my nipple and a bolt of electricity streaks to my sex. I gasp into his mouth, and the corners of his lips pull into a small smile. He slips a hand under my shirt, cursing as his palm coasts up my stomach and between my breasts, taking my shirt with it. I can’t deal with it one second longer. I grab my shirt by the hem, tug it over my head and toss it aside.
Aemon looks me up and down, his eyes blown wide. One hand softly brushes over my breast. Then his thumb circles my areola, teasing me. I arch my back, wanting more, needing more.
“Please,” I beg, though I’m not even certain what I’m begging for.
Then he wraps hot lips around my nipple and sucks it into his mouth, while his hand cups my other breast, then pinches and rolls my nipple between his fingers. Shouting, I buck my hips as tiny explosions rocket throughout my body. I grip his hair, shoving his face harder into my breast. That makes him moan. The vibrations tickle and tease, then he bites my nipple and wet heat bloomsbetween my legs. My nails dig into the soft flesh of his back under his shirt collar. I need this off of him, now. I gather up the back of his shirt in one hand. “Take it off,” I whisper. He doesn’t reply, simply sits up, tears the shirt over his head and continues ravaging my breast. I run my hands along his back, marveling at the softness of his skin.
