“Oh.” I huff with bitter amusement, shaking my head. “It’s been a long time ago. And honestly, I enjoyed it most of the time. It broke the tedium and also played into my proclivities that she knew well. It was rape, because I couldn’t get away, but I paid her back as Woland after.”
“And yet, when I touched you as her, you hated it,” Jaga says, watching me with scrutiny that’s impossible to escape.
“Because you are the only woman I want to touch me.”
“Only because of that?”
“Y… Fuck. No. Can we move on?”
She nods with reluctance, sighing as her frown deepens. For a moment, she stares at me with vicious intensity, like she wants to penetrate every layer of me right into my deepest truth. I return her gaze with a sad smile. She’s the first person I told about my ordeal in so much detail, including even Chors. What else does she want?
“What happened after she set you free?”
“Nothing. I went back to Nawie and did my best to rebuild my strength. Perun was livid after he found me gone, but I don’t think he ever found out it was because of her. She crossed over Struzina a few weeks later, seeking me. I told her I was grateful and would be her friend, but could love her only as a sister. Dadzbog came soon after and took her back. She tried to see me again a few times, and they always came after her, either Dadzbog or Swarog. Finally, she gave up.”
Jaga slowly shakes her head. “And you invited her here as your ally. Do you… trust her? Weles, a woman scorned is a dangerous creature. I should know.”
I can’t hold back a smile. “Yes, you do. But Jaga, Jutrzenka is not you. She is stuck in that strange place of being an innocent girl who is as old as creation. The only time she rebelled was when she freed me. This is her chance to gain freedom from the chains she has been stuck in since she was born, and I honestly believe this will overcome any grudges she has against me.”
Jaga doesn’t look convinced, and she shakes her head. Her eyes flash with loathing. “Or you’ll end up kissing her to appease her, just like you did Mokosz.”
“I kissed Mokosz to hurt you,” I admit with a shrug. “Which I think you know. Everything I said after that kiss was a lie meantto hurt you, too. When I said I didn’t love you, it was a lie. Because I did. I do now. I love you.”
Jaga curses under her breath and gets up, wobbling a little. A fiery doorway leading to the torture chamber appears in front of her, and she faces it with an angry scowl. Before stepping through, she looks over her shoulder, pinning me with her glare.
“Never say that again. I will leave if you do.”
She steps through before I have time to stop her.
Chapter thirty
Guilt
That is the last I see of her for long weeks. Jaga avoids me openly, spending long hours working on the cure or visiting with Rada. My days are full, as well. I waste time in meetings with my allies as we try to come up with strategies to best Perun—without much success.
We fend off attacks, but none as powerful as the first. Perun sends bieses aplenty, though only a few dragons after I depleted their numbers in Slawa. The rarog makes an appearance, but not Swarog.
It feels like defeat, and it’s restless and maddening. Jutrzenka insinuates herself into situations that bring us close, either sitting next to me during war council or offering to help me with various tasks.
I try to make Jaga jealous a few times, informing her of Jutrzenka’s behavior, but she doesn’t react. After that initial promising growth, our bond stagnates. Rarely do I feel Jaga’s emotions coming through, and they are muted and vague. Butit’s no wonder. She stopped speaking to me and sending me magic, and the bond has atrophied from disuse.
I miss her in every sense. I miss her thoughts, her laughter, and most of all, I miss her presence.
She doesn’t come to meetings even though both me and Strzybog take great pains to invite her every time. She claims she’ll join us when she has something significant to say. The god of wind is bored and prone to antics, so when she refuses to come out for the dozenth time, he spends a day teasing Jaga through the locked door of her torture chamber.
She invites him in, finally losing her patience. Strzybog lasts exactly a minute before he shoots out of there, pressing a shaking hand to his mouth, his eyes watering from the stench. He stops bothering her.
Chors refuses to speak to me about Jutrzenka. I think this is the most frustrating development, even including everything Jaga has put me through. I always thought I knew everything about him, but it turns out, the closest person I’ve ever loved keeps secrets from me now.
When a month passes, and we still have no valid strategy, I lose the last dregs of hope. I could only keep my drive burning for so long, but with no new victories to celebrate, and no Jaga to spur me on, I fall into a morose stupor that no one can pull me out of.
My allies sense the change in me, and they lose their enthusiasm. Everything is falling apart, and only a month after I’ve formed this ill-advised alliance. The trees growing on the flat parts of Nawie turn beautiful shades of gold, red, and orange, and a cold wind blows from the sea. Even the seasons change, but we’re stuck in a horrid, inescapable rut.
That’s when I realize Jaga no longer comes to my throne room, not even to sleep, and somehow, that little detail on top of everything else threatens to destroy me. Because where does shesleep? Withwhom? Is Chors so secretive because he’s got her now? Did Rod seduce her? Did Strzybog?
I pester her for hours with increasingly desperate thought messages, begging her to come out and talk to me, apologizing over and over again, promising her everything her honesty curse allows me to promise. Jaga must sense my desperation and madness, because she relents.
“What do you want?”
