For the briefest moment, hurt flashes across Jaga’s face. It stirs my anger hotter. I fucking hate seeing her hurt, but I hate myself more for being the one who hurt her, the one who couldn’t protect her.
Jaga is right, about everything. I am a coward.
“I will not go from door to door pleading for help like a beggar,” I say, holding my voice in rigid control. “But I’ll get you what you want, Nyja. You have my word, and I won’t break it. As for you, my witch, I will show you I get things done.”
Even as I say it, the old, familiar helplessness fills my gut and heart. For a moment, I am back in my chains, my magic bound, Perun’s whispers slithering in my ears.
You’ll never be free. You’re weak, brother. The weakest of all. Try to fight me. Try to free yourself. You can’t, see? You can’t even speak when I won’t let you. Pathetic. Runt of the litter, you are. If we’d had a mother, she would have thrown you out.
It doesn’t matter that I got out of his chains in the end. I hadn’t freed myself through my own magic and skills. It was a woman who saved me. Maybe that’s why I keep hiding behind Jaga’s skirts.
It makes sense for a woman to be my salvation again. It’s also ironic, becausethiswoman will only respect me if I stand on my own, the way I used to centuries ago. Before my brother broke me.
It’s time to face the fear.
Jaga eyes me with contempt, clearly unconvinced. It would be nice to have her support. That was what I expected love to be—having this one person who’d be on my side no matter what. But she isn’t, and I can’t help loving her despite it.
“You’ll see, poppy girl. I’ll do great things and prove that I deserve you. You have my word.”
Chapter nineteen
Honesty
When Jaga hears my plan two days later, she is appalled.
“No! You can’t! It will be like always: you’ll wreak havoc, and the people of Slawa will pay for your crimes when Perun takes it out on them. If you want me on your side, don’t do this.”
She’s beautiful today, her loose hair falling in soft, fiery waves down her corseted back. She’s been eating ever since Chors took her to the cliffs. There is a new energy about her, determined and present, and it hasn’t dissipated. Jaga takes care to sleep, bathe, and explore Nawie, never straying too far, never without company. Usually, she asks Chors to go with her. Sometimes, Wiosna. Not me.
Now, her eyes are bright with righteous fury, and there’s a speck of blood on her wrist, a souvenir from her research session in my old bedroom turned Nienad’s torture chamber. What a splendid, vengeful Jaga. My fingers itch with the need to touch her, but I know she’ll recoil, so I don’t even try.
“Fine. I’ll figure out a way to make him leave Slawa alone this time. Do you have any other objections?”
She purses her lips, watching me with narrowed eyes. “I want to come with.”
“No, love. You’re supposed to be in Nawie with Weles, remember? If you show up with me when I’m Woland, my secret will be out.”
She folds her arms, pushing her breasts up in the tight corset. I avert my gaze so as not to react. Jaga ripe with magic and hungry for life is a thousand times more appealing than her former apathetic self.
But I’m done humiliating myself. I bled for her, I knelt, and I gave her my heart. The least I can do for my own dignity is keep my unrequited lust less apparent.
“I will disguise myself. No one will know it’s me,” she says with conviction.
I shake my head with an indulgent smile, because Jaga still has so many blind spots. In some ways, I know her better than she’s ever known herself.
“You’ll find a reason to reveal yourself, if only through the sheer power of your magic. Or do you want to tell me you’ll sit on your hands if the violence looks too good not to join in?”
She looks away, biting the inside of her cheek. A tight line settles between her eyebrows, and I almost reach up to smooth it. She gives in with a sullen huff.
“Fine. But I want to see what happens. Just to make sure you’ll keep your promise.”
“I can’t lie, remember?”
She puts her hands on her hips, leveling me with a hard stare. “No, but you candeceive.”
I sigh, pretending to hate this concession I’m about to make, even though my heart sings with triumph. I’ll get to touch her and be closer than anyone before.
“Very well. There is a way, but you won’t like it.”
