Chapter forty-five
Habit
“Fine,” she murmurs, stretching lazily in the grass. “Be Woland. Let him be in charge.”
I change instantly, humming as I tighten the muscles in my neck to carry my antlers, shortening my claws so as not to hurt her. I am still hard, and she looks at me with a small smile, so beautiful in this world I made for her.
I trail my trimmed claws down her torso between her breasts, cupping her belly and stroking it. The need to heal her is overwhelming, and I could do it, but then she’d know and blast me off her.
Though maybe not. She used to be more powerful than me, but I have grown in strength recently, and I can’t tell whether we are equals now or she surpasses me still.
She would look so good swollen with my child. Weles yearns and longs for it, his need subdued. I buzz with a violent craving, my fingers twitching against her soft skin. I need all of this to be mine.
For myself, too, but even more, for the world.
And yet, and yet. It’s never worked before. Haven’t I learned anything?
“What are you waiting for?” she asks with a soft sigh, opening her legs.
“I want to look at you,” I say, my voice as soft as I can make it. “Will you let me braid your hair after we fuck? I miss it very much.”
She takes a deep breath, her face falling. She looks sad as she stares up, watching a flock of wild geese flying over the golden sky like an arrow.
“I always thought my hair was so vile. Then you saw it loose one day and couldn’t help but touch it. It wasn’t all bad, Woland. Not by far. That’s what hurts the most.”
I stroke her thigh with my tail, wanting to push her so bad, it’s a physical effort to keep my tongue behind my teeth. She’s vulnerable and open, and maybe I could bind her to me with a promise or a vow so she doesn’t leave me, but I can’t afford to be selfish anymore.
She almost gave herself to me back in the rebel base, after I announced our betrothal. But I was a fool, and I didn’t push for the right answer, chasing meaningless words of love instead.
She said she loved me, and I needed that more. I should have been smarter. So now, I forbid myself from being selfish again. So much rides on this. I am convinced I will die if she’s not mine, because Nyja’s prophecies always come true, and she said it clearly.
The winner will slaughter the loser, and I can’t win if I don’t claim Jaga.
Time’s up. I don’t have a choice anymore.
“Your hair is beautiful, as is all of you,” I murmur, leaning in for a kiss.
My antlers press into the grass around her head, trapping her for me, and I kiss her softly, so very sweet. It will have to be a lie, maybe. One that she’ll think is true, one that will convince her. I don’t know what to do yet. She has always thwarted me before, the glorious beast.
She kisses me back with a sigh, her arms twining around me so tightly, even though she’s tired and weak. I cut my tongue and give her my blood, letting it flow freely. I’ll get her drunk on it until she sees the universe unfold like a flower. That should distract her well enough.
She will be hurt. She will hate you. She’ll never love you again.
I silence my conscience, this fresh, uncomfortable thing that I grew in response to Jaga’s pain that I caused. Yes, she will hate me, and we will both suffer. I’ll never have the sweet future with her I always dreamed of.
But does it really matter, since she’ll leave me anyway?
No, it doesn’t. I have to make sure we’ll survive, not just me and her, but our allies, too. Jaga is too obstinate to do what’s right.
She’ll cry and hide her tears from you. She’ll be broken for good.
I send an engorging spell at my fading erection so she doesn’t notice. Fuck, there is nothing less arousing than contemplating hurting the only woman I’ve ever loved, but I’m used to dealing with this by now.
It’s become a habit.
Jaga pulls blood from my mouth, kissing me with growing enthusiasm. I try to forget what I must do and enjoy it, but the weight of my responsibility sits in my chest, impossible to chase away.
I don’t think I’ve ever truly enjoyed her as Woland, and it makes me ache. It was always marred by my scheming.
