I wasa whirlwind of nerves and sadness. My body wouldn’t stay still. I kept fidgeting with the hem of my dress or adjusting my hair. I was at war with my heart and mind as they both yearned for different things. My heart told me marriage was too sacred to commit to without love, while my mind cautioned my heart to remember that we had to be alive to find true love. But the one thing I could admit was that I looked beautiful.
I wore a strapless, pearl, opera lady length dress. Just because this marriage was for convenience didn’t mean I couldn’t look the part. On my feet were a strappy pair of white Marjorie Badus. My natural hair was pulled back with a pearl-beaded headband, with my afro looking more luscious and large than ever. All the jewelry I wore was from my mother’s personalcollection. It was my way of reminding myself of why I was doing this in the first place.
There was a gentle knock on the door. I glanced over my shoulder to see Kai standing there. He filled out the frame of his bedroom door, wearing a white double-breasted suit with pearl buttons. On his feet were a pair of white Majorie Badu loafers. His lineup was fresh, and his locs were freshly re-twisted into four barrels. Even his facial hair was perfectly aligned. At least I would be able to say my husband was fine as shit.
His clove, sandalwood, and hint of laundry cologne wafted over to me, and I inhaled it shakily. His eyes hadn’t stopped studying me intently. That was the thing with Virgos, always analyzing. I wanted nothing more than to know what he was thinking when he spoke and set the nerve endings in my body on fire.
“You look beautiful, Nuri Symone.” Every time Kai said my name, it sounded like the lyrics to a song. I wanted to listen to it over and over and over again, never growing tired of hearing him.
I smiled coyly. “Thank you. You’re looking quite handsome yourself.”
Kai didn’t smile or respond. Instead, he reached a hand for me to grab. My feet moved with a mind of their own as I walked over until my hand was resting comfortably in his. I followed him as he led us outside. His brother Jah was leaning against the side of Kai’s blacked-out Grand National while scrolling on his phone. He looked up as we came down the porch steps of the big house and walked down the sidewalk to the curb.
“And y’all are really doing this shit.” He sounded shocked, as if he didn’t believe we’d go through with it.
Jah began making motions with his hands. I thought something was wrong with him until I noticed Kai motioning back once he stopped. They had to be having a conversation, asilent and private one that made me uneasy until Jah nodded his head and then stood to his full height.
“Fuck it. Let’s do it. I’ll follow behind because I got some shit to handle once it’s done.”
Kai walked forward and opened the passenger door for me. I glanced into his eyes, searching for any indication that this was a bad idea while sliding onto the seat. He nodded once as if to saytrust him. As I pulled the seatbelt over myself and got buckled in, I knew I had no choice but to. It was this or only God knows what. I wasn’t going to find out. I was going to do what needed to be done to protect myself.
The ride to the courthouse was filled with silence. Neither of us spoke, likely too caught up in our thoughts. I noticed Jah following behind us in a black on black, custom-painted Hellcat. Kai told me he was going to serve as our witness. The closer we got, the faster my heart raced. I was sure I was going to pass out when Kai pulled into the parking lot.
“We don’t have to if you’re having second thoughts,” Kai spoke for the first time since we’d left the big house.
I turned to find him watching me. I gulped down the ball of cotton lodged in my throat before speaking. “I’m not having second thoughts. Just a little nervous.”
He nodded. “Shit, me too, but I got you.”
I offered a closed-mouth smile before he got out and came around to open my door for me. I thought I would feel lightheaded when I stood up, but Kai’s hand in mine gave me strength. We walked with him on my left and Jah on my right straight to where we needed to be.
Kai oversaw gathering all the paperwork we needed to submit for our marriage license. He pulled the folder from where it was tucked underneath his arm and then handed it to the clerk. I waited with bated breath as we got squared away. When we walked away from that desk with the marriage license, I knewthere was no going back now. We were in this shit until it was safe to get a divorce.
We entered the courtroom, where we were directed to wait our turn among the other couples. Kai never let go of my hand. It was all the reassurance I needed to know I wasn’t alone in this. It wasn’t ideal, but he had my back. That comforted me more than being rocked to sleep by my mother as a young girl.
Before I knew it, it was our turn. As we stood before each other exchanging vows that tethered us together, I couldn’t look away from Kai’s eyes. The intensity in them made me believe every word out of his mouth, even if his heart wasn’t in it. At the end of Kai’s vows, he asked to add one more thing. He released one of my hands to pull his phone out of his pocket.
After finding what he was looking for, he glanced up at me. “I know this isn’t what you imagined your wedding day would be like as a little girl, but I want you to know that I’m here, Nuri Symone. Every time you look at me, I want you to know that you’re safe in any and every way possible. I won’t only be your husband but your friend and your diary. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this yet, but I’m not good with words, so this song is for you.”
He tapped his screen, and the piano intro to Alicia Keys’ “Diary” began to play. I couldn’t contain the smile on my face or the tears that welled in my eyes as I became emotional. It wasn’t the traditional marriage song, but I understood why and what he was saying to me.
When the officiant told us that we could kiss, we both hesitated before Kai took control. He wrapped an arm around my waist, then yanked me into his hard chest. I landed with a soft thud. My eyes slowly trailed from the music lapel on his suit jacket up to his inky eyes. His tongue trailed across his lips. I was sure he could feel my heart racing against his sternum, buthe didn’t seem to mind. My eyes drifted shut as he inched closer until his lips landed on mine.
I wasn’t sure what I was expecting to feel when Kai kissed me. There were no tongues, fireworks, or music from heaven, but there was a shift. A ball in my core that unraveled itself and surprisingly yearned for the kiss to last a minute longer than it did. When Kai pulled away from me, I felt even more confident in my choice. He might not be the love of my life, but I was sure I would have a friend in him when all of this was over.
“I’ll take the porterhouse steak medium with the loaded mashed potatoes, pancetta-roasted Brussel sprouts, and the lobster and smoked bacon mac and cheese,” I told our server.
After leaving the courthouse, Kai treated me to a nice steak dinner at Ruthie’s. I was a fan and knew the menu by heart.
“And for you, Mr. Walker?” The server turned his attention to my husband.
Kai eyed me suspiciously before ordering the lamb chops with mashed potatoes and the pepper jack creamed corn skillet. I lifted my glass of red wine and took a slow sip.
Once I placed it back on the table, I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. Kai wasn’t a talker at all, so I figured I would still try my luck at initiating a conversation.
“So, were you and Jah doing sign language earlier?”
He swirled his cognac around in the glass. His eyes slowly lifted to my face, and he nodded.
