“You should’ve just ignored me.” Nathan’s words jumbled together. Eamonn could barely understand him. “You should’ve just left me to rot in a puddle of my ownpiss!”
Nathan lurched out his leg in a half-assed kick. Eamonn tried to wipe a glob of blood and dribble from Nathan’s mouth. Nathan smacked his arm hard, ripped the scarf out of his hand, and flung it across thealley.
“What the fuck is going on with you? What the hell are you doing drinking until your liver gives out and getting in fights withstrangers?”
“I don’t know,” he answered, somewhat in a daze. “I drink to get rid of the pain, but then I like getting in fights so I can feel pain all over again.” Nathan held his shirt sleeve to hismouth.
“Once your film comes out, you won’t be able to pull shit like this anymore. People have phones. You’ll wind up on the front page ofTheSun.”
“There is no film.” Nathan laughed tohimself.
“Bollocks. What were you doing the whole time you weregone?”
“The director fired me. Apparently, he didn’t like his actors getting so wasted they couldn’t remember their lines. I offered to blow him to make amends, which hereallydidn’t like. He cut me loose in September, said he was going to reshoot all my scenes. There goes my Hollywood career.Poof.” Nathan soaked through his sleeve. Eamonn darted into the pub and grabbed a stack of napkins. He handed Nathan a clean one, which he did not swat away. “Thankyou.”
Eamonn saw his ex-boyfriend clearly for the first time. His vivacity, his biting lines, they were all part of a thick coat of armor that he never tookoff.
“Mate, you never used to drink likethis.”
“Well, life happens. Life just loves to kick me in the stones,” Nathan said. “I was massively excited about getting cast in the film. I really was. Then they rewrote the script and turned my character into someone who was abandoned by his mother, and it hit too close tohome.”
“Too close to home? Just because your mum died doesn’t meanshe…”
“I lied to you. One of many,” Nathan said. He sat up a little bit, as if he were pulling this from deep within. “My mother didn’t die. She left. She and my dad had a one-night stand, then nine months later, she showed up on his doorstep with a newborn and hightailed it the fuck out of there. My dad told me the truth on my fifteenth birthday after I came out to him, like he was trying to top mynews.”
“Fuck. I’msorry.”
“I had pushed that all down years ago, but the movie just sliced open these fucking…who fucking doesthat?”
Eamonn offered a hug. He didn’t have any wise words. Nobody deserved that, and he wished he could find his mother and bring her here. Nathan burrowed himself into his chest for a moment before pullingaway.
“Bugger. Now I’ve gone and gotten blood on your nice jumper,” Nathansaid
“It’ll wash out.” Eamonn wiped itaway.
“You’re the only person who knows the truth. Luckyyou.”
“You could’ve told me about gettingfired.”
“You were preoccupied with your Yank.” Nathan stood up and winced with pain in his ribs. Eamonn checked out his stomach, which looked just as ghastly as hisface.
“I think you need to go to ahospital.”
“I’ll be fine.” Nathan held his mouth open and drank raindrops, then soaked Eamonn’s scarf to clean his face. “I don’t want to keep you from yourboyfriend.”
“What did you expect? You don’t get to play the jealous card. I moved on. I thought you had. Right in front of my fuckingface.”
But Nathan held up a hand to stop him. “I know. I’m sorry for trying to fuck thatup.”
Eamonn made sure he heard thatright.
“I am.” Nathan stared up at the buzzing fluorescent signs of the pub. “I didn’t even like the guy you saw me snogging. He had horriblebreath.”
“Where did you meet him?” Eamonn had wondered this ever since ithappened.
“Grindr.” Nathan let out a laugh. “We met in the Waterstones outside our terminal. He was like one of those ten pints. He got rid of the pain for a moment.” Nathan cleaned his face in the rain. “It’s hard to love someone when the one woman who’s supposed to love you wants nothing to do with you. It doesn’t really set the tone. I was scared of that happening with you. I was scared to find out if we could survive the distance, the fame. So I pushed you away. I was a total prick toyou.”
Eamonn never saw Nathan cry before, no matter how bad things got. It amazed him that his ex-boyfriend could be an actor where he’d have to cry on cue. Nathan didn’t cry tonight, but that didn’t mean his eyes were without sadness. It was worse. He was filled with it, but he couldn’t let it out. Maybe one day hewould.
